shawna v

Sheets of icy water wash over Luce Grace’s prone body, the unpleasant temperature only spurring him in his goal to get out of the shower.

He takes a shaky breath and pushes himself up from the shower floor with both arms. Before he can start to slide out, he collapse in a fetal position--the sudden pain making him cry out.

It is the worst possible moment for the bathroom door to open.

He’s about to yell out at the nurse to leave him alone but the figure on the other side of the shower’s glass is several inches taller than the nurse and distinctly male.

Rias opens the shower door and his eyes widen with panic when he sees Luce  on the shower floor, cold water cascading from tthe rainfall showehead. Rias quickly shuts off the rshowerhead with a touch of a button on the wall panel.

“Come on,” Rias says, his naturally soft tone slightly agitated. “Let me help you out.”

 “I.Need.To.Do.This.On.My.Own,” Luce grunts through gritted teeth. “I…need…to. Especially… today.”

“No, you don’t. We’ll be late,” Rias says, squatting to his level.

Rias secures his arms around his brother's hips and he uses his shoulders for support as he clumsily pulls him up to standing. Once he’s vertical the room spins. Rias manages to bear his weight and drag him the few feet to his shower chair before the dizziness took over.

“If you wanted to shower by yourself why didn’t you atleast use the shower chair ?,” Rias asks. Luce gestures for a towel that he throws over his lap.

“Can't...roll the chair…over the lip,” he gasps, out of breath from the maneuver.

He could have had the nurse put the chair in the shower and then help him in like she always did but he’d wanted to try doing something entirely on his own.

He sets his cramping hand on to the shower chair’s wheel and with the help of his left foot slowly propels the chair forward, inching out of the bathroom and back to the suite where his nurse was setting out his medications and clothes for the day—a black long sleeve t-shirt and tapered black jogging pants his nieces called joggers.

“You’re all wet now,” Luce observes absently to Rias. The thought it out his mouth before he even had time to realize what a ridiculous thing it was to say. Words occasionally left his mouth before he knew he’d spoken them. Other times he couldn’t get them out at all.

“I have other shirts.”

“Can I borrow one ?,” Luce asks. “Maybe a jacket and pants ?”

“Absolutely,” Rias nods before leaving the suite.

With the help of the nurse he dries himself off and she gets rid of the soap and shampoo he hadn’t been able to reach. They pull on his underwear and he takes his medication through the feeding tube, before they tape it flat to his stomach.

Rias returns shortly with a wooden hanger holding an undershirt, a sky blue button up, light colored chinos and a charcoal jacket.

“Will this work ?,” Rias asks. “Charlotte insists in this decade men won’t be wearing ties.”

“It’s fine…Can you help me ?”

Luce turns and gestures to the nurse who leaves the brothers alone.

“This is a first,” Rias remarks, pulling the undershirt over Luce’s head. On a good day he could get dressed on his own but it went faster with help, especially with small buttons.

Despite living in his brother’s house for almost 16 months they were rarely alone together. He’d stupidly refused any personal help from Rias out of shame. His psychiatrist was working with him on not associating needing help with shame but it was hard when he felt ready to be more independent but his body still wouldn't listen.

He hadn’t wanted to intrude on  life Rias built for his family but Charlotte insisted  Luce join them at the table for dinner every night—even if he didn’t eat solid food. He saw the perfection he'd expected from his brother’s family but he also saw their imperfections.

His nieces were smart and empathetic and he loved them but they were almost recklessly coddled and spoiled. They had no concept of value and never heard no from Rias. At the dinner table Charlotte and Rias  spent equal time sneaking glances at their phones and then accused the other of working too much.  

“I wanted to thank you,” Luce says. “For letting me stay here--”

“You’re my big brother,” Rias says, helping him into the pants. They were slightly long as Rias stood three inches over him. “I was blessed with resources. What are they for if not for helping family--”

“The girls and Charlotte are your family,” Luce reminds him. “I’m just the bastard kid of  the woman your dad accidentally knocked up.”

Rias cringes.

 "Father was good to you.  I remember he  liked you--”

“He liked how I counted cards,” Luce corrects. He holds up his right arm with his left for Rias to slip the shirt sleeves on.

“Did you know I’ve never gambled ?,” Rias reveals, doing up the shirt buttons with quick, practiced movements. “Not even a friendly game of poker....Sometimes it doesn’t feel right making money off gambling. Some days I wonder if I should sell my stake--”

“You shouldn’t. Rayne loved the casino. He built it to be his family legacy  after what this country did to your family--” 

“You don’t have to tell me the I-was-born-in-a-concentration-camp-and-everything-was-stolen-form-us story. I heard it plenty…I do wish my grandfather had lived to see all this.”

Rias folds a pocket square into a simple diamond and tucks it into Luce's suit jacket before stepping back to look at his work.

“Looks nice. Are you comfortable ?”

“No, but I can bear it for a few hours.”

“If things don’t go how you—we want,” Rias says. “Please know we’d be happy to have you stay.”                                                                                                         

 ***

Luce had been to Rias’s lawyer's office several times since the conservatorship was put in place and today he notices how wearing a suit gets him treated differently. The receptionists and security guards look him in the eye and speak but he can’t bring himself to hold eye contact and make small talk in the same easy way Rias does. If he spoke too much people noticed the slur and lisp and talked down to him or gave up listening after a few sentences.

Waiting inside the lawyer’s office is his social worker and a legal consultant Rias had hired to assist with dissolving the conservatorship.

After polite greetings of happy new year they review the paperwork. Luce tries to follow the conversation. The brain injury made it harder for him longer to follow new concepts. But he trusts his brother and signs the paperwork best he can with his non-dominant hand when Rias tells him to.

“The judge may call you, Mr. Washington,” Rias’s lawyer warns. “You will be sworn under oath and asked if you think it is truly in your brother’s best interest to end the conservatorship-- ”

“I understand that,” Rias responds coolly, taking  a set of documents of his leather case. “We’ve brought some documents we’d like to attach to the petition; a letter of recommendation from my brother's psychiatrist, attendance records from the occupational therapists and an offer letter of a part time instructor job in the math department at the College of Southern Nevada.”

Luce hadn’t planned on looking for a job but one of his caregivers had mentioned the community college she was getting her nursing degree from was hiring. He hadn’t worked for another person in almost 20 years but he  had a master's degree in mathematics and figured the professional accountability would be good.

He’d only be teaching two classes and the college's  disability office had arranged for his caregiver who'd told him about the job to sit with him in class if something happened. He would even be able to get to the downtown campus on his own. It was only a 20 minute bus ride from the condo.

Assuming he was invited back there. 

***

-2-

Luce rarely indulged in the  luxuries his little brother’s life offered but he  saw no choice tonight. After the Washington family's full time driver comes back from taking Eloise and her friends to the mall, Luce asks him to drive him  to the Las Vegas Arts District.

When the  car slows down in front of Stir Coffee Roastery, Luce spots Haley and Grayson through the cafe  window,  looking every bit like a quaint scene in a children's picture book. Haley is drinking from a mug and has several cookies cut up on a plate.

It worried Luce. He knew when Haley got stressed he binged, then got in his head about it and purged. 

But he’d lost his right to worry.

The driver drops him off around the corner from the shop and he rolls the manual wheelchair carefully around the corner, still getting used to the motion. He meets his first obstacle when he can’t open the door and move the chair at the same time but a woman standing near the door quickly opens it for him and he remembers to nod to her in thanks.

He'd  come to this coffee shop regularly before his accident when he needed a break from his mother. It had been one of the few cafes in the city with internet hookups for his laptop. Now, he felt his flight instinct kicking in.

“Hi,” Grayson greets him first as he approaches the table. The little boy laughs into his hands like he was holding in a secret. Grayson wasn’t officially his but, he'd been in the hospital the day he was born. It hurt Luce that he missed so much of his life. 

“New wheels ?,” Haley asks, looking at the manual wheelchair.

“Yeah,” Luce says. “I still get the tremors but I can do this for a short period of time now. My physical therapist has me lifting weights.”

 “I can tell. Cookie ?,” Haley offers, inching the plate towards him. “We already split two and whatever is leftover is for tomorrow.”

He shakes his head. He'd mastered small sips of liquid but could barely swallow anything else without choking. He’d adjusted to not eating solid food, it felt cleaner and the smell of cooked food had always made him nauseous. He liked getting straight protein and fat without worrying about sugar.

“When are you going to tell him what I said, Daddy ?,” Grayson asks in the worst approximation of a whisper. Then his hands go back over his mouth to suppress another giggle.

“Well,” Haley says to Luce. “Grayson and I talked earlier today and he said  you can move back in.”

“Thanks, kid,” Luce smiles and clears his throat. He’d had something memorized but he’d completely forgotten it. “I never…I mean…I…I’m sorry I hurt you, Grayson.  I was sick and in a bad place.”

“It's okay,” Grayson says in a small voice, picking up a chocolate chip cookie half. “Daddy said you were sick but not the kind you can see.”

Luce wasn't even sure if Grayson understood what he'd almost done. But he loved that Haley explained complicated things to him instead of hiding them.

 Haley reaches into his leather messenger bag and takes out a small note pad shaped like a fish.

“We’re going to work out some household expectations,” Haley tells them. “Sara  should be apart this--”

“She’s in New York.”

“What ? How ?”

“Train. Twyla and Colette bought a duplex on Staten Island and don't have a renter right now so Ma is staying there for a few months....they all went to New Year’s Eve in Times Square--”

“We saw that on TV, Daddy!,” Grayson adds.  “Justin Beiber was there, Daddy, can we go for real next year--”

“No,” Haley says in a way that tells Luce that question had been asked several times before. “Let’s focus on this. We’re going to come up with our expectations of each other and our household….The first one I want is safety. Especially yours Grayson. It’s the job of us grown ups to put your well being first, sweetheart. What about you Luce ?”

“I…don’t think I get to ask for  anything.”

“Of course you do. You'll live in the house.”

“I want you to trust me again,” he admits carefully.

Haley nods and writes it down.

“Okay, Grayson what do you want, baby ?”

“I want to grow my hair long--”

“Not that--”

“Whhhyyy ?”

“I told you it’s too much work--”

“I can do ponytails! Daddy, you said it can be anything and it’s what I want. Then I’ll never ever  ask for anything--”

“How about…,” Haley interrupts. “I have to  read you a story every night I’m home? Or movie night every Friday or breakfast in bed once a month--”

“What if, if I keep my hair short but I can dye it blue and then I can--”

“Also, no.”

 

***

1.     Home is a safe place

2.     Lost trust can be earned back

3.     Birthdays require cake

4.     No shame in asking for help

5.     Bedtime is for stories and goodnight kisses

6.     Love, Unconditionally

***

-3-

A month later Haley re-writes the list on butterfly stationary from the craft store and sticks it on the fridge for everyone to find in the morning before padding back to bed. He loved the sight of Luce in his bed again, especially when he had rope lopped around his wrists.

Haley jumps on to the bed, straddles Luce’s body with his knees and gives him a kiss full of sinful intentions.

“Now, what are you doing ?,” Haley asks, looking at the rope looped around Luce’s wrists.

“Exercises my therapist gave me,” Luce smirks. “ Why ?”

Haley reaches for the dangling ends of the ropes.

“Wouldn't it be fun if I held on to these while I rode you--”

“You’re not riding me--”

“Do you want Viagra ? It's total bullshit that that is the only medication the insurance covers but we might as well have fun with it--”

“Not right now...I’ve just thought about exactly how I wanted to fuck you. I want you on your stomach. Clothes off.”

Haley happily tosses his pajamas aside and lies flat on the bed, the cool sheets sending wonderful sensations to his naked body.

He can hear Luce struggling to move and then his body is on top of his in a modified forearm plank with is knees down. The tip of Luce’s tongue teases his neck, he traces the outline of his wing tattoo before dipping lower.

“Tell me,” Luce says, turning on the ring-shaped vibrator around his finger with his teeth and stroking Haley’s body.

“I’m going to come-,”

“Don’t,” Luce orders, massaging him with sweet smelling lubricant. “I want you to tell me first.”

“Tell you what ?”

“About the last person you were with.”

 “It was last year I…I barely remember--”

 “Bullshit. Tell me everything. When ? How ? Why him ?”

“I just went on app. They don’t post faces and I just…liked his abs—which were fake. He knew me from my videos. He recognized my tattoo in my profile picture--”

“What picture did you use--”

“One I took in the mirror...not of my face” he admits. “We met. Had daytime drinks at a bar his friend managed. He bet me I wasn’t as flexible as I used to be and then he got the key for the employee bathroom.”

“Did you like it ?,” Luce asks his voice dripping with accusation.

“I mean he was rude and treated me like I was supposed to perform for him but it was….not unpleasen-ah, shit,”

Haley  is cut off by the sharp pain of Luce’s teeth sinking into the back of his neck

“You’re not wearing a condom-,” Haley reminds him softly, wiggling away.

Haley feels Luce attempting to enter him again and he tenses.

“Shh,” Luce says into his ear. “It’s okay--”

“No, it’s not. Red.” Haley says rolling from underneath him. “Get off me.”

“Red ? What  the fuck, Lex ? We weren’t even--”

“Don’t ‘what the fuck, Lex’ me,” Haley says turning to face him. “You’re not fucking me without a condom--”

“Why not ? No one else wants to fuck me anymore. I wore condoms for other people but I don’t care if I get it--”

“You should care,” Haley says. “And our luck is shitty. I’m not risking adding more complications to your health. Fuck, you shouldn’t have even bit me—did you draw blood ? I'm scheduling you  an HIV test-”

“It was nothing. Is this how it’s going to be now?  I want sex. I want you...and you’re looking at me like a patient.”

“No, Luce. Not this again,” he sighs. “Just because you got the conservatorship dissolved doesn’t mean you're cured. It’s not safe for us to—”

Luce hisses sharply. “Fuck! Somethings not right. I need to be on my back or side or--”

Haley sits up and carefully turns him over on to his side.

“Is that better ?”

“I don’t know, maybe a back spasm--"

“Do you want a percocet--” 

“I'm supposed to be cycling off--”

“You shouldn't be if the pain gets this this bad. Did they make you sign a pain management agreement ? I'll give you a massage tonight and we can call the doctor's office. I can manage your pain meds so you can get what you need--”

“I'm fine...You can't be my nurse.  That's what fucked up our relationship before--”

“I know.But that doesn't mean I can't care about you. I like taking care of you. Just not full time...let me--”

“Can we just go to bed ?”

“It doesn’t look like that’s what you want,” Haley says, inclining his head to his erection. “I can finish you with my hand--”

“...It’s already going down.”

It didn't look that way to Haley but he moves to his side of the bed. He feels Luce move to his side of the bed.

Haley stares up at the spinning ceiling fan and wonders how they’d messed up the one part of a relationship they’d always been so good at.  How they were in the same bed for the first time in over a year and Luce never felt farther away.

Luce’s arms reaches across the bed to brush against his and he startles.

“Come here,” Luce says softly.