All I can think as we pull up to Gran’s house is that I’m not supposed to be in the car. I’m supposed to be in school right now.

And how odd Mom’s sentence was. Dad thinks Gran died. Dad knows when a person is dead or dying. We should be going to the hospital.  

Dad’s pacing nervously outside of Gran’s house. Grady, Peyton and Carter  are sitting in the front yard picking flowers and Dad snaps at Peyton when she let's Anabelle Grace crawl away from them and onto the sidewalk.

They girls get  excited when they see Mom get out of the car, they run up to  hug and talk to her. Peyton starts to tell her about the career day, but Mom just hugs them each quickly and then tells them to go back to picking the flowers. They ask why and she ignores them.

Dad doesn’t even seem to even register me or that I’m not in school as I get out the passenger seat. He puts his arm around Mom’s back  and they go inside Gran’s house together.

“Why aren’t you at school ?,” Grady asks me.

My school got our 2 hours later than the elementary school. I wondered if Grady interrogated Mr. Cody like she interrogated me.

 I shrug sitting with them on the front yard.

“What happened ?,” I ask Peyton

“We went in the house to show Grandma my art project that I got back today,” Peyton says. “We were sitting at the kitchen table to get cookies and then Daddy said we had to go outside.”

“He was mad. Uncle Rhett said a bad word,” Grady giggles. “He said the f word.”

“I heard Daddy tell Mama on the phone that Gran died,” Peyton  says, whispering the word died.

“Nah. She’s probably just sick,” I tell them.

It’s a lie I hope is true, but that hope is dashed almost immediately.

I hear Dad yell something from inside the house, and Mom bursts through the storm door with her hand over her mouth. We make eye contact and I just  know.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

It didn’t make sense. Gran never seemed all the old, she still worked six days a week. She wore two piece bathing suits to the beach every summer and showed us the dance from that John Travolta movie every time  she had too much wine  at family dinner.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

It should have been someone else. Grandpa Reese was an 83-year-old miser who never left his house, Mrs. Grady was morbidly obese. My great-Uncle Deacon had more health problems then everyone I knew combined and regularly drank Dad under the table.

“Come on,” Mom says motioning for me to bring to the girls inside Gran’s house. Mom’s shaking. 

I hesitate.

I’m suddenly afraid of my Gran’s house, but then I remember I’m not allowed to be afraid right now. Mom’s eyes are scanning the neighborhood, probably to see if anyone is being nosy, as I start ushering the girls to the house.

“Come on, let’s not make a scene,” Mom says, even though it’s obvious she is crying.

I can hear Dad somewhere in the house. He’s crying and he’s calling for Gran.

“Go in Daddy’s room,” Mom tell us once we’re in the house. “Quickly, come on.”

I follow her orders on autopilot but I look over to Gram’s open bedroom door  and I can see Dad in Gran’s bed with her. He’s rocking back and forth with her.

I’m suddenly scared and I feel warm  tears welling up  in my eyes. I swallow them down.

For what it’s worth the girls are seemingly oblivious to how freaked out Mom is. She makes them sit in a circle on the full bed in Dad’s old room and hold hands. I sit on the floor.

“Let’s all pray for Gran, okay ?” Mom says, sitting next to me and holding out her hand.

The girls are already holding hands.

I can’t do it. I can’t take Mom’s hand. Fuck.

“It’s okay,” Mom says. “Mason.” 

She holds her hand out to me, waving it.  The girls are making jokes about cold hands.

“I-I-I- did it, Mom.” I said and the tears I thought I’d swallowed come right back  up. I hadn’t cried in years. Not even when Dad got hurt or I was miserable in Connecticut  did I cry “I--I--wished it--”

Mom looks more overwhelmed and scared than she did before and I feel bad for causing it. I try and suck it up and be the older brother I’m supposed to be  but it only makes the tears come down harder.  I’m hyperventilating like an idiot.

“No you didn’t, Mason.” she tells me, she wipes away my tears with the back of her hand and then takes my hand in hers.  “Calm down, honey. It was just her time. That's all.”

I can’t lead the prayer so Mom does and then Mom leaves to check on Dad.

Anabelle Grace starts crying, I try to put her in the crib that was always under the window hoping she’d go to sleep but she doesn’t.

I can hear them start to fight--Mom wants to call an ambulance and Dad doesn’t want to, he keeps saying Gran’s going to be okay. Mom tells him this isn’t sanitary and he tells her she doesn’t know anything and to shut the hell up.

The girls go quiet and I can tell the fighting is upsetting them—especially Grady. I venture out to the kitchen to get the snickerdoodle cookies Gran always kept in her cookie jar and I find a half made bottle for Anabelle Grace sitting by the microwave. Dad must have been in the middle of making it when he realized what happened.

I take the bottle and cookies back into the bedroom.

I’m not sure how long we’re going to be in here so I take some paper out of my backpack and we play tic tac toe tournaments, it seems to be distracting them (and me) but then Carter asks the question I’d been dreading.

“Where’s Nana ?,” she asks

 "She's dead," Peyton tells her.

“She’s in heaven,” I say quickly.

“Do you think she’s a ghost ?,” Grady asks

“No.” I decide, but I don’t actually know. 

 

Aunt Sav is the worst. She comes back to the house a few hours later and when she finds out Gran’s dead  it’s like she literally loses her mind.  She screams and lashes out at Dad when he tried to bring her into Gran’s room. She latches on to Mom, babbling something about Gran missing her wedding--even though she didn’t even have a boyfriend.

Aunt Sav had gone to a Pilates class after taking Spencer to school—poor Spencer who was at basketball practice and had no idea what was happening--and  then went to a coffee shop because the internet was faster than Gran’s.  She keeps muttering that should have just come back to the house and been here to help Gran.

But deep down I knew it wasn’t her fault. It was me.

I’d been mad at Dad. I’d wanted to hurt him and I’d said it aloud to Mom.  And it happened. And all I wanted was to take it away.

Everyone was at the funeral.

Everyone.

Noah Presley’s siblings, who had left Freeport the second they were legal, had come back into town. They were sitting in the second row behind Aunt Aubrey and Uncle Wil. They all looked a little lost and maybe a little guilty for never coming back to visit, not even when their oldest brother had a baby four years ago

Mama had Spencer and I on babysitting duty while she sat with Dad in the front pew. Spencer hated babysitting but I was happy to babysit because I needed the distraction. It wasn’t that hard of a job, the little girls were used to having to sit quietly in church, except for Grady who  was walking up and down the pew taking it all in. 

Of all of the kids I think she got what was going on the least.

“Hey, ” Spencer  nudges me.

I look up to see her nodding her head towards Laci, who was sitting in a pew with her parents on the other side of the church. She was wearing a modest black dress and platforms, but her face was covered in glitter-y makeup and her hair was in a curly ponytail--which meant she and  Amber were probably going to sneak out early to get to a cheerleading competition. Dad always got on Uncle Weston and Aunt Amber for leaving events our family hosted early. They hadn’t even come to Grady’s birthday party.

“Do  you think Dad’s going to be mad if Aunt Amber leaves early ?,” Spencer asks.

I shrug.  I didn’t know anything about Dad anymore.  His reaction to losing Gran had changed everything I thought I had known. A few hours after we left Gran’s  house he was laughing and making a jokes and then Mom would laugh too hard and then he’d accuse her of pitying him and then he’d cry.

I’d seen Dad and Uncle Weston get into more arguments than I could count, especially about religion and politics. I’d known Uncle Weston my entire life but he mostly talked to us in obtuse questions, like “Is that the school you’re still going to ?” or “Is that what your father told you ?”

I had a feeling Uncle Weston hated us.

Uncle Weston and Aunt Amber used to live in this cool mansion in Mississippi, but they moved to Freeport four years ago when Aunt Amber got a new job with the county and wanted to be closer to her family. They’d bought this old Victorian in Freeport and renovated it and then  decided Laci shouldn’t go to Freeport’s public school  and had her  home schooled by a private tutor.  Aunt Amber still  wanted her to have social experiences so she signed her up to be in pageants and some  competitive cheerleading.

Because of all the shuffling by her mom and the homeschooling Laci was kind of sheltered but she was fun and smart when she came out of her shell. Spencer learned a lot of things she probably shouldn’t even know from the boys at her private school and she loved to educate Laci.

The ushers behind us start to all move at once to close the doors of the sanctuary and  the tone of the music changes as  Noah’s band, Radical Mercy, starts playing.  Radical Mercy was just Noah and two friends from his church but they were good. One boy played the base and the other was a college aged piano player. Noah can play the drums but today he sings Amazing Grace. His voice sounds close to professional and it’s  soft and comforting. His dark eyes never land on anyone but I feel like he’s looking right at me.

Uncle Wil had told him the people at Gran’s church were different kind of people and he shouldn’t wear makeup or anything, but I knew he was wearing a little bit of mascara--he'd tried to put some on me.

Dad, Aunt Sav, Aunt Audrey and Mom with Anabelle Grace sleeping in her arms are in the front row with Gran’s siblings, Aunt Macy and Uncle Ramsey. Mom has her arm around Dad’s neck.

Behind Mom and Dad are two rows of Coast Guardsmen in uniform. I recognize Mr. Dorian and Whitlow and some of the others but not everyone. They all look so serious and one of the Coast Guardsman will occasionally put a hand on Dad’s back or on Mom’s shoulder.

Reverend Ellis starts the service, then  Uncle Ramsey gives  the first speech followed by the Reverend reading some psalms, When it’s time for the eulogy Mom stands up, with Anabelle Grace still  in her arms. She’s awake now and  reaches for the paper as Mom unfolds it before losing interesting and resting her head back on Mom’s shoulder.

Mom fumbles with the microphone and several of the Guardsman rush to help her adjust the microphone height.

“I’ve never had to eulogize someone before,” Mom starts and she sounds so nervous. “Um, I actually  had to get some advice from a writer friend of mine on how to do this and Rocket told me to just write something that was true to only my experience...well, I can do that.  I remember the very first time I met Jocelyn,”

She pauses and then does a weak smile. I can’t even look at her, it's so weird seeing her cry.

“It was Memorial’s Day weekend. Um, in fact I   had lost my own mother recently and...Jocelyn was so warm to this random girl her son was bringing home. She hugged me and made us lasagna and…made me feel like I was a part of  a family--which as  I’m sure you know isn't always hugs and kisses. Jocelyn and I have infamously had our...disagreements.”

A few people laugh and nod their heads vigorously. Mom looks back at her paper her hand is shaking.

“Um, I knew I would love her the moment I met her  because everything I love about her son, my husband of 16 years is because of her. She’s one of the strongest women I know. She lost her own husband when she was 29 and  6 months pregnant. She was a single working mom and when she was laid off she started her own business, which is also 16 years strong... And most miraculously of all she put up with me all this time. Jocelyn Clark doesn’t give up.”

More people laughed.

“We’ve...had our moments. We’ve been through the good, she was standing beside me the entire time I gave birth to my first son, um Mason over there and we’ve been through bad but we loved her and she loved us.”

I watch Dad’s back  while she’s speaking. He’s sitting perfectly still in his uniform. Aunt Savannah is next to him and she’s sobbing and shuddering, switching off between Aunt Macy and Dad’s shoulder.

The floor opens up for others to speak, a lot of Gran's clients come up to speak.

I go up with my sisters and talk about how she would invent games for us to play when we had to spend the night at her house.

Noah’s entire family goes up together. Aunt Aubrey starts talking about how Gran helped her when her mom died too and how she let them stay with her during Hurricane Katrina. Aunt Aubrey  makes a joke about Noah being conceived there and then she breaks down in tears and  Uncle Wil has to finish it and then they have to walk her off the pulpit. It was like it just dawned on Aunt Aubrey that Gran wasn’t coming back. 

The stories are kind of fun. I almost forget we’re at a funeral until Noah and his band get up to sing Amazing Grace again and they close the casket.

Aunt Savannah bolts up when they do this and makes a sound. A hurting aching sound. She keeps saying no and rubbing the sides of the casket as Uncle Weston, Dad and a couple of the other Coast Guardsmen stand up to carry the casket out the church.

Whitlow  tries to gently take Aunt Savannah in a hug, but it’s clear she’s holding Aunt Savannah  back from stopping the pallbearer procession.

Between his limp and Aunt Savannah’s wailing Dad looks really unsteady.

I don’t even think about it as I stand and take hold of his rung with him and help him carry  the casket out to the hearse. Once it’s inside the hearse he hugs me then limps away cursing and Mom comes out of nowhere with his cane and a kiss.

The mood seems to soften a little bit as people come out of the church. I spot Noah Presley, Spencer and Laci standing off to the side with the little girls and I go join them.

Aunt Aubrey has her arm  around Noah’s shoulder, she’s wearing a tight black dress and a blazer with fishnets and  scuffed glittery high heels. She’s towering over all of us and doesn’t look as upset as she was in the church.

“NP, you better tell your daddy I want a pink casket, okay ?,” she says pinching his cheek. “And he already knows to play our Nirvana song. Or atleast he better. ”

Noah just laughs at his Mom.

“Why do you think you’re going to outlive Daddy ?”

“Why do you think I’m not ?,” she says bumping her hip against him.

“ Is Miss Jocelyn really in there?,” Grady asks me pointing to the hearse.

I nod and she looks scared.

“Well, her body. Everything that made her her is somewhere else.” I tell her. We’d all tried to explain the whole death thing to her, but it didn’t seem like it was sticking.

“Look how cute  you girls look today!” Aunt Amber says coming up from behind us with a fussy Anabelle Grace in her arms. My sisters and Grady were all dressed the same in a black and white flower patterned dress Mom made. Amber picks up Carter and kisses her. “Who did your hair, today sweetheart ?”

“I did,” Aunt Aubrey says

Aunt Amber turns to  Aunt Aubrey like she just noticed her, Aunt Amber gives her sympathetic look and Aunt Aubrey returns it with a tight smile.

“Okay, ladies. Your mommy wants me drive you over to the burial,” Aunt Amber says, shaking her minivan keys.

“Can I ride with Spencer and Mason ?,” Laci asks her mom.

“No, honey we’re going to have our hands full with all your beautiful cousins and I need your help,” Amber smiles. “Besides we may need to make a quick get away to get to your competition.”

Laci looks disappointed and she and Spencer exchange looks. Spencer rolls her eyes, stealthily.

“Do you have room for me too ?,” Spencer asks.

Aunt Amber nods happily.

 

***

 

“Do you think Aunt Joss and Uncle Charlie are getting along ?,” Noah asks when we’re alone in his car. “Like in the afterlife or wherever ?”

I shrug.

We only knew Uncle Charlie from the stories Aunt Aubrey and Uncle Deacon told and if they were true than my grandparents were having the time of the afterlife.

“Do you believe in ghosts ?,” Noah asks me

“Stop being creepy,” I tell him. “You’re as bad as Grady with the questions.”

“No, I ain’t. I’m being serious.”

I shrug.

I didn’t think I did, but after I saw the Poltergeist movie I slept with the lights on in my room for a year

“Sometime I think I can feel Grandpa Charlie’s ghost in the house,” I tell him.

“Now you’re being creepy,” Noah says.

“I’m serious. When Carter was a baby she used to stand up in her crib and shout 'dada' at the closet every night. But Dad was overseas then. Mom said she probably just had a nightmare and wanted Dad to hold her but I think she saw Grandpa Charlie. He looked like Dad when he died.”

“Shut up,” Noah says shoving me and I think I really scared him from ever coming back to my house.

The funeral isn’t just one day. It’s  weeks of chaos because everyone wants to come over to our house and just talk. Aunt Savannah stays with us because she’s scared of going back to Gran’s house, even though it had been willed to her.

Mom and Dad offer Aunt Savannah the bed in their bedroom, but Aunt Savannah liked being in a sleeping bag in Peyton  and Grady’s room.

I try and help Mom where I can  because Dad completely checks out on her. On us. He spends most of the week going for long runs or  yelling at us kids from the chair in the living room.

“Am I monster or something ?,” Mom asks. “I don’t think I even really cried when my Mom died but you would think the whole world ended with the way he’s acting.”

I hear Mom say this as I come down the stairs.

Mr. Sawyer and Mom’s other friends from Florida had flown up the other day to give their condolences and bring food mostly. Tonight they’d brought over two cardboard boxes full of Chinese food and while they talked in the living room, the girls and I ate upstairs, where I was forced to play tea party. Which mostly meant I had  to drink apple juice out of a plastic tea cup and then take turns being their prince.

I’d come downstairs to the kitchen to get a soda and when I hear Mom talking to Mr. Sawyer and I can tell I almost walked in on something I shouldn’t have.

“I think maybe a part of his world did end,” Mr. Sawyer softly.

“I know…believe me I know.  It still doesn’t seem real that Jocelyn is..., but I really  need my husband back. If only to take out the damn trash,” her voice breaks and I hear a garbage bag hit the floor.

“Julie, let us help,” Mr. Miller says. “That’s why we all came. You go back to the living room and sit. I’ll clean the kitchen--”

“Sawyer, no, it’s such a mess.”

“I’ve cleaned a commercial kitchens, I think  I can handle this.”

They go silent, I hear Mr. Sawyer starting the sink and Mom laughs and I figure it’s safe to walk into the kitchen now.

“Hi, Mason,” Mom smiles wearily when she sees me.

“I can take the trash out,” I tell her and she smiles more.

“See ?,” Mr. Miller says tapping her shoulder.

“Thank you,” she says. “And find your Dad...everyone is about to go back to the hotel.”

I haul the two big bags of trash out to the backyard, it’s dark outside and I hurry because we’d been seeing some unfriendly  raccoons lately.

As I turn to run back to the house I jump when I notice Dad sitting against the house, the place where I usually had to do squats, with a glass of brown liquor. I can only see him because he’s sitting directly under the motion sensitive outside light that come on when I came outside.  I stare at him because I’m not sure if he fell or not. He’d been using his cane more than usual lately.

“You want your first drink, son ?” he asks me, an amused  smile on his face.

I feel like it’s a trick question so I don’t answer, I just keep staring.

“Let me guess, it ain’t your first,” he asks and I nod slowly.

“Mom said you should come in,” I tell him. “Everyone’s going back to the hotel.”

“I will.”

I didn’t want  to leave him by himself. I can hear Mom and her Florida friends laughing at something Anabelle Grace is doing in the kitchen.

“When’s your next assignment, Dad ?”

“You tryna get rid of me, son ?” he laughs

“No.” Maybe a week ago I would have been but now I was asking because I knew he loved his work  and maybe going back would cheer him up.

Dad motions for me to sit next to him on the grass and I do. There are moths under the outdoor  light and I can hear their wings flickering and the buzz as they go into the light.

Dad offers me some of his drink in earnest but I shake my head and he smirks.

“They’re giving me a few extra weeks off. Then I’m going to North Carolina,” he says. “I’m on bereavement right now.”

“What does that mean ?”

“It’s means I’m real sad,” he laughs and takes a drink.

“Me too. Mom says Gran’s  in heaven though.”

“She’s probably not, but I hope she is. She would have wanted that.”

“Maybe it’s better where she is.”

“Maybe,” he agrees. “She could be having the time of her life but shit, I just wanted to say goodbye or thank you or something before she left. You know ? That’s the part that gets me, son. I didn’t get to say one last thing. I didn’t have a Dad around all the time growing up...Gran and I  took care of each other...kind of  like how you take care of your Mama.”

I shake my head, I knew I didn’t have half the responsibilities my Dad did when he was my age.

“No, I don’t--”

“Yeah, you do... when you're not being a disrespectful  little smartass.”

He shoves my head affectionately. “I love you.”

“I know.” 

“No you don’t,” he smiles. “You think I hate you because I’m so hard on you…don’t you ?”

“A little,” I admit.

“That’s alight...that’s alright” he says. “I’m hard on you because I was a fuck up growing up, hell, I still am...and God or whatever the fuck, help them but the men in my life didn’t make it any better. I mean shit, if I have to pick Deacon up from another emergency room I swear to God...I just don’t want you to be like that, okay ?”

“I won’t--,”

“You will, it’s in your blood.” He shrugs. “And when you do fuck up you better call me, Mason. I don’t care where I am. And look,  I’ll probably be pissed, but I still want you to call me.”

“Okay, Dad,” I say even though I don’t know what he’s rambling about. “Can we go inside now ?”

He nods.

“Just give me a minute.”

He breathes deep and puts his arm around me, I rest my head on his shoulder, like when I was a kid. He smells like alcohol, but it’s not noxious or overpowering; it’s just  familiar and sharp.

The only sound out tonight is the laughter from inside the house, the moths flying into the lamp, the crickets moving beneath my feet and my dad’s slow steady breathing.

The End.

---

A/N

I might dip back into Mason’s Freeport but for now…that’s all she wrote ! I know Rhett's character has never been fully redeemed but I feel like he's the type of character who will be a work in progress towards redemption. He comes from a world of toxic masculinity and is still working to shake that off. In a lot of ways Freeport is supposed to be a shit town, but for Rhett and Juliana building a family and giving back makes it better. I don't know. I don't have any outlines or anything for more in the UL world, but I know I'm not quite done with it yet.

So, you're probably wondering where our next short story will take place. The next short story is one I haven't really talked about much. I used to refer to it as Blob serial and I left a little hint about where we are going next here.