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Nova Haley-Grace

November 2024

Albany, New York

“Mmm. Your hair smells so fucking good!”

“Stop smelling my hair you fucking weirdo—”

“No. I’m obsessed.” Honestly, his hair pomade didn't smell that great but I’d make any excuse to bury my nose in Beckett McKinney’s magnificent red hair.

“Novaaaa!,” Beck squeals.  "You’re going to fuck it up!”

“It has to look a little bed head-y. Just wait a sec, you’re going to fucking love this.” I dig my fingers in the sides of Beck’s  hair to touch up the shape I'd made. He attempts to push me off his lap so I lock my thighs tighter around his waist.

I probably didn’t need to be straddling his lap to do his hair but I mean…hello.

“What was that ?,” I whisper innocently when I feel his dick jump.

“C’mon, let me see what it looks like.”

I stand back while he checks himself out in the lighted vanity mirror on my desk. His face glows. “Nova, what the hell ? How the fuck did you...I actually look fucking hot.”

“Shut the fuck up, you always look fucking hot.” Beck wasn’t Instagram model hot but had an interesting face that I could stare at all day if he let me.

Which he did.

Beck’s facial features were all just a little too wide  for his head and his nose had an over prominent bridge that made it slightly hooked. He was super tall and bony but had super wide shoulders. And he had a crazy deep voice. It added up to equal parts odd and endearing.

I kneel on the bed and twist open one of the hard cherry lemonades we were pre-gaming with. “One more episode of Attack on Titan ?”

He reaches his arm to me. I plan to pull him back into bed but he yanks me to standing instead.“No.We’re going to miss the train, Nova.”

I wrap my arms around his neck. He's so tall I can hang off his body. I don't really care about watching the show,  I just wanted to squeeze in a little more cuddling before we had to go. “I thought you wanted me to see the season finale--”

“We can watch on the train. Come on, get dressed,” Beck laughs, peeling me off his body. “We need to be at the train station at least 30 minutes early. Do you have the new ticket confirmation ? Is your phone even charged ?”

I stick my tongue out at him. “Ravenclaw.”

“Slytherin,” he throws back.  I was just about to be good and  get dressed but I will not stand for his slander.

“Okay, bitch, you know—”

“Okay, okay, okay  Death Eater’s whore,” he corrects himself  smugly and I show him my middle finger. Damn, you mention wanting to fuck movie Tom Riddle once on and suddenly you can’t be your beautiful Gryffindor self.  

“Nova. Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go. Get dressed.” Beck chants. He makes cheerleader arms at me.

He was being such a pain in the ass.

But it was fair enough.

We were supposed to have been on the 3:00PM train to New York City but we  hadn’t woken up until 3:30PM. It was my bad since I hadn’t told him our original departure time. But I could have sworn the train was at 4PM...or something like that. I easily got us switched to the 6:30PM train and now that Beck knew the departure time he would not let us miss it.

I pull on my favorite high waisted gray distressed jeans over a white quarter sleeve shirt that fit me like a second skin. I make a quick decision to wear my new teal Doc Martens and shrug on the violet vegan leather bomber jacket I’d scored at a consignment shop last year. I rub the smallest bit of hair pomade in my hands and toss my hair to the right.

My hair was regrettably shorter than it had been in a while.

When I went to have a professional salon to fix the fuck up job I’d done trying to go icy white  she’d had to cut it to my chin to get rid of the fried strands.

Beck looks all artsy and adorable in the burgundy brogues I lent him, beige tartan pants, my Gucci logo belt, a ribbed cream sweater and black painted nails. My own manicure was chipped and sunrise orange and didn’t match my outfit at all because I’d switched outfit choice at the last minute.

I put in my gold septum piercing,  ear cuff chain and a little bit of smudgy black eyeliner. We take a few quick selfies in the lighted mirror, carefully cropping out my messy ass room.

Beck gets all snippy  when I tell him I want to finish that last bit of my hard lemonade.

“Nova, if we miss this fucking train…” He takes the bottle from me and attempts to finish it but he can’t chug for shit. 

I make like I’m going to tickle him mid-chug but he runs to the other side of the tiny bedroom. “Nova!,” he screeches, cackling and gasping for breath. I have no idea what is so fucking funny, but everything seemed to be right now. 

“Okay, okay,  come on, let’s go.” I concede.  I toss him his overnight bag, shoulder my own bag and lead the way out of my bedroom.

I lived in an off-campus student apartment building that accepted students from all the Albany area colleges. I hadn't had anyone I wanted to live with so I was randomly assigned suitemates; Cooper and Marcus. They were both sophomores at University of Albany—like I would be if I hadn’t dropped out spring semester.

But honestly, transferring to Hudson Valley Community College over the summer was the best thing I ever did.  It was just a better fit. Plus I got to stay in Albany over the summer, keep my clerk job at the gas station…and take a Writing Composition class with Beck.

My idiot suitemates cat call and make their little jokes as Beck and I walk through the communal living room.

To be fair, Beck and I had spent the last 26 hours cooped up in my bedroom. But most of that had actually involved binging the first 3 seasons of Attack on Titan. You couldn't fool around much when you had to read fucking subtitles.

I want to stick around and tease Marcus and Cooper back—that was just our dynamic—but Beck practically carries my me out the door before I can start anything with the boys.

He drives us to the train station in his old Chevy Malibu that seemed to run entirely on will power. Beck has a self-satisfied grin when we're sitting in the station 30 minutes ahead of the train.

When the arrival sign by the track changes to say New York City bound, Beck takes a picture of it for his Instagram and it’s such a shitty picture.  When he challenges me to do better I make him stand on the bench with me so we can take a selfie with the departure sign slightly out of focus in the background and the arriving train moving in a blur behind us.

I always feel giggly and energetic around Beck. 

But when we board our train it hits me where we are going.

I’d never brought anyone home to meet my parents.

If that’s even what this was.

We find seats together in the front of the train  (fine, one perk to being early) and I snuggle into his soft sweater as the train takes off towards the city. He smells like dryer sheets and aftershave. “You’re so soft. Thanks for coming.”

“Are you kidding?” He kisses my hair. He'd never done that before. I fucking love it. “Thank you. I get to spend a weekend in New York City for free…I just don’t want to be in the way so if you and your family need time alone I'll get lost—"

“Shut up. Everyone loves you.”

Beckett McKinney was like this  adorkable  mix of a quirky theater kid, hardcore anime nerd and brilliant artist.

We’d met six years ago on a Discord server for the Jiro/Sigma ship from the video game Alters. Beck was popular in the fandom because he drew the most amazing (and hottest!) fanart. The teens and preteens on the server had kind of formed our own unofficial  subgroup and we'd stayed close. He was so talented and I was just happy to be included in a circle with him.

He'd always been private about his real life but when I started at University of Albany as a freshman last year he told me he lived in the area. He was working and going to Hudson Valley Community College while living with his parents—who had no idea about his online fame. He never talked about us meeting up so  I figured he was more comfortable keeping our friendship on Discord.

Then my ex-girlfriend, Michaela Fisher, broke up with me because I dropped out of University of Albany  and transferred to Hudson Valley Community College. I didn’t see a break up coming and a few weeks later she came into the gas station where I worked and we had an argument. I was kind of pathetic about the whole thing on our Alters group chat that night.

Beck insisted we meet up the next day.

He took me on a local food tour of upstate New York. We spent hours at a little ice cream stand where he drew  cartoons of us in different anime universes on a napkin. He thought I looked like an anime character and wanted us to cosplay as Sigma and Jiro at a con someday.

I’d loved his Alters fanart forever but I’d had no idea he was good at original art. I knew he could make a living doing original character designs if he put himself out there.

Anyway, a few weeks later we had sex and have basically  been spending almost all our free time together since.

I loved him. He made me feel like my best self.

Which is exactly why I needed him to come with me to a New York City bar for my Dad’s boyfriend’s 40th birthday party.

----

-2-

Our train passes a highway sign for the Coast Guard Academy and it reminds me I need to hook up with the Clarks. I just know Mason and Beck could nerdboy out together.

An hour and a half later we get off in Penn Station. Beck is all wide-eyed and mesmerized by the city. He'd lived only a train ride away from it his entire life but had been too afraid to visit. As soon as I put in my hours at the birthday party  we were going to do whatever he wanted.

To make if feel more cinematic we run, hand in hand, through the crowded streets and to the midtown Manhattan condo my cousin El inherited from her parents. She and her sisters never stayed in it-- I think it was still hard without their parents.

There’s no one else at the darkened condo when we arrive, they must all be at the birthday party already.

The normally pristine condo is a mess. The living/ kitchen area is filled with confetti balloons and those giant, shiny gold 4-0 number balloons. The breakfast bar is littered with wine bottles and leftover catering trays from some Italian restaurant that was Maverick’s favorite. He and my Dad had hosted a small dinner for friends at the condo before the party but we’d totally missed it because we missed our first train.

“Um, are we sharing a bed ?,” Beck asks when I tell him to leave his stuff in the second bedroom. It has a huge king bed since El and her two sisters had to share it when they were little. “So, scandalous.”

“Shhh!” I say loudly. I grab his wrist and do my best Crucible voice. “We musn’t tell the church elders we lie together in sin  or we shall  surely  burneth at the stake.”

“Shut up,” he giggles. “But seriously. I don’t want make it awkward. I don’t mind the couch—”

“You shut up.” The living room had two small sofas, neither of which Beck could fit vertically on. “Can you really not sleep next to all my sexiness without busting a fucking nut ?”

“Oh my—That’s not what I meant—” he balks, covering his mouth to stifle a laugh. “I’m just trying to be resepc—”

“Re-lax, babe.”

I’m honestly surprised Dad hadn’t left  a box of condoms with googly eyes on the bed. I don't know why he thought I'd just started having sex when I went college but he’d  hidden a box of condoms in every care package he’d ever sent me. And I’d thrown them all away because ew.

I had an Amazon account.

I wander into the condo's master bedroom and Beck follows. It’s only slightly bigger than the second bedroom but it has an ensuite bathroom  that is currently a god damn mess of medical shit, clothes, paperwork, shoes, skincare and makeup. I spot Dad’s toiletry bag  on the bed and brush some of his Dior Skin bronzer on my cheeks.

There's an enticing looking Sephora eyeshadow  palette on dresser.  I don’t know if it belongs to my Dad or Maverick. But I guess this was my fucking life now so I just break the seal and smudge a purple color that matched my bomber jacket in the corner of my eye.

--

My parents are notoriously shitty at keeping things from me.

I'd found out my Dad was in porn when I was freakishly young because he  refused to buy me my own phone but was just fine letting me play on his phone for hours--the phone that was auto downloading  every episode of  Maverick's podcast Bang Sesh.

I’d started suspecting Dad and Maverick were more than friends when we’d moved to Connecticut and I would always hear Dad on FaceTime with Maverick.  At first I thought Dad had a crush and Maverick was being nice because he felt guilty for that stupid #HotNurseDad thing getting out of control.

Then the summer I graduated high school Dad sat me down after dinner and told me that while he still loved Luce, he and Maverick also loved each other. And they wanted to make their relationship more official. Dad had just finished his contract with the hospital that paid for his degree and and taken a job at a nonprofit community health center in Hartford. The doctors who ran it didn't care about his personal life if he wasn't hurting anyone.

When we went to the West Coast for my high school graduation trip, Dad and Maverick made a video for Maverick's channel  so Maverick wouldn’t have to hide their relationship from his online following.

The video was apparently 73 unedited minutes of them sitting on Maverick's back porch answering  questions. Maverick kept repeating how important their relationship being healthy was to him and that he wanted people to respect Dad’s privacy.

It was overly informative but strategically boring as hell so social media got all their answers and then quickly got bored with them. Now it was considered annoying to pick apart Maverick’s personal relationship on the social media gossip sites.

Or so I've been told.

I hadn’t seen  the video. I shut down all my social media before it went up and Holland loved being my appointed proxy. She devoured everything and, according to her, no one online was even talking about me. 

Which, fine.

Dad's life didn’t really affect me since I was away at school and they were dating long distance. But then a few months ago, Dad told me  Maverick was making some career changes and, if it was okay with me, Maverick was going to temporarily move into the third bedroom of our house.  

I had polyamorous friends. Fuck, I’d learned about polyamory from Maverick’s corny ass YouTube channel back in the day. I was fine with it.

It was just Luce.

A small , cynical part of me wandered if Dad was just getting his replacement husband ready. Luce had a traumatic brain injury when he had his car accident and  he rarely had thee mental health capacity to deal with new things. My friends always made depression jokes and they always rubbed me the wrong way because I knew how ugly it could get. 

I was afraid Luce would get lost in everything. But I didn’t know how to say that out loud.

--

After I’m sure my little bit of make up looks decent, I take Beck out to the  balcony.

I looked online one day and saw this condo cost just over 2 million dollars, which seemed crazy since it was barely 800 square feet.  I think the view  from the balcony made up most of that price.

While Beck eats his penne vodka (he’d been looking at the leftover Italian food forlornly), I light up one of the joints I kept in my wallet. Beck takes out his phone and does a panorama shot off the balcony. Then he takes a TikTok of me smoking.  My cheekbones look fucking amazing in it.

“I fucking love this fucking view,” Beck sighs. He takes the joint and puts it to his lips. Did I mention he had the kind of pillow lips that a Kardashian would kill for ?

“Like the view, huh ?” I cock my hip suggestively and he throws a Parmesan cheese packet at me.

Rude.

“I meant view of the city, asshole,” he says through an amused smile. The he gets all wistful, which is what I get for falling in love with a nerdy artist type. “It’s like…the tall buildings,  all the people  and taxis going to different destination…it feels endless doesn’t it ? Like anything can happen.”

“No.” I take my joint back. That was enough for him.

He kicks out at me. “Come on, Nova.”

But I didn’t feel that way. I knew exactly where I was going tonight and even though my head was saying I should be ambivalent…I couldn’t be.

Shit might get weird.

-3-

Beck calls the Uber that takes us down to Greenwich Village and we follow my phone directions to  Brass, the grimy hole in the wall leather bar Maverick had rented out for his 40th birthday. The bouncer stamps our hands because we were both 20, the most useless age ever.

I take Beck’s hand to keep him close. Neither one of us had been to a fetish bar--Beck had  never even been to a dance club. Most people are in regular clothes but there a few leather daddies and women in latex fetish dresses.

I also completely ignored the fact that I knew about that side of my parents life.

It had been working spectacularly for me.

The DJ is playing an epic remix of my favorite K-pop song as we walk in. I lead a nervous Beck to the dance floor so we can dance our stupid jitters out.

He’s a little awkward but turns into the best dance partner once he stops thinking and just does moves to make me smile. Our bodies move to the beat as we mouth the Korean words to each other. I fucking love this remix, I had to meet this DJ so I could sing their praises to their face.

A few older guys try to cut in and I pull Beck closer to make it clear this is an us thing. He’s grinning. We get a little space and he spins me around. Mid-spin I  accidentally lock eyes with my dad.

He’s sitting at the center of a round table next to Maverick. They're surrounded on all sides by people having  animated conversation.

Dad’s face brightens and he starts to practically crawl over people’s laps to get out off the table. Maverick slides out behind him.

I cup the back of  Beck’s neck and bring him down to whisper in his ear. “My dad and Maverick are coming over.” He stiffens and I playfully tap his crotch to make him laugh but he just looks so freaked.

Poor baby.

Beck only knew who Maverick was from me sharing his thirst traps in private group chats when Beck wanted references for his fanart back in the day. He'd never been a fan but I’d been so embarrassingly obsessed with Maverick. It faded when I got older. Thank fuck.

I start towards Dad,  he’s a little glassy eyed and walking way too fast in what I imagine are at least 5 inch black stilettos.

 He’s wearing  black latex pants with a corset pattern up the front and a sharp cut burgundy blazer sewn with little threads of glitter that reflect every bit of light. The shirt  underneath shows off  a strip of his contoured flat stomach. Bouncy curtain bangs frame  his lightly made-up face. He’s definitely wearing a few hair extensions.  

Dad always looked good for his age but he’d gotten super sensitive about it lately. Which, now that I think about it,  is also around the time he got a boyfriend 10 years younger than him.

“Oh, Nova. Hi, sweetheart!” Dad hugs me. He smells like citrus-y perfume, alcohol and well…leather. He turns to Beck and clasps his black and gold glitter manicured fingernails together. “You must be Beck. Honey, I’m so happy to  meet you! You can call me Haley, can I hug you ?”

Beck nods but then decides to speak. “Yeah, erm, yes—that’s fine. Thank you for, um inviting—”

Beck is cut off by Dad hugging him. “Aww, you boys look so handsome! Nova, sweetheart,  I was just talking to someone earlier about how you didn't come home for Labor Day so I haven't seen you since August and I...I don't know I just missed you so much. Beck, did he make sure you got something to eat ?”

“Hey.” Maverick greets me with a head nod while Dad starts fussing over Beck. Maverick is wearing jeans  but has the whole leather jacket, gloves, aviators and flat top cap thing on the top. And I think it’s real leather, which, gross. He gives me a one arm shoulder hug.

“Happy birthday,” I say back.

“Thanks.” Maverick grins and then snaps his fingers approvingly at me. “ Love the jacket…Betsy Johnson? ”

“I don’t know. I got it at a consignment store in Rochester. It’s vintage.”

“That means it was made the year you were born,” Dad teases Maverick who just shakes his head like he’d been hearing this joke all night.

Dad turns back to me. He zeros in on my shorter, white blonde hair. He hated that I colored it but what’s the point of being blonde if you don’t take advantage of how easy it took to color ? “Nova I—"

Before Dad can get his sentence out a woman in a black velvet and leather mini dress charges towards him. She’s holding a stack of papers and an iPad. “Hi, guys, sorry to brother you again but there are some people out front with a bunch of cakes ?"

Dad looks at his Apple watch and then at Maverick. “If that's Raw, they’re really early. What time did you tell them?”

“Not this early. I wouldn't have—”

“They’re all made out of cookie dough and ice cream. Can we even leave that out ?” Dad runs his hands through his hair.

Maverick looks at the woman. “Do you have extra freezer space ? I was waiting a few more people to get here before we cut the cakes.”

The woman looks so annoyed with them. “I’m not sure the rules about that…let me ask my manager—”

“Tell him I think we already made twice the liquor tab—” Maverick smiles and does a weak fist pump.

“The delivery guy is texting me now,” Dad says. He starts tapping his Apple watch and walking away. “The driver’s about to lose his parking space. C’mon, birthday boy, let’s go get this cake.” Dad turns on his heels to face me again. He almost trips and Maverick catches him.  “Did you see Luce ?”

“No. I just got here.”

His perfectly  glossy blackish red lips get tight and judge-y. He's pissy about something now but I don’t know what. “We’ll talk later. Luce is at the bar in the back. He’s feeling a little...”

Dad makes a so/so gesture with his hands, spins back around and struts off  towards the entrance with Maverick’s arms hovering around his waist.

Beck turns to me. His face is inscrutable. “Okay, meeting your Dad explains everything about you. Holy shit. Can we please switch Dads ?”

I knew I was lucky to have parents who let me explore my identity blah,blah, blah. But while my dads embraced me they never respected my choices. They still wanted to control me and it was annoying as fuck

The bar in the back is closed, the music from the main room is barely seeping in  and the only people back here are Luce and Ms. Sara.

I hadn’t expected her to be here.

Twyla and Colette were at some motorcycle thing in Amsterdam so I thought Ms. Sara would like having the entire duplex to herself. She didn't exactly look dressed for a party in black cargo pants and an unflattering t-shirt I'm pretty sure she got at a rest stop.

Luce pauses in the middle of their blackjack game.

Which is how he says I love you.

“Hi, Dad!,” I grin and wrap him in a big hug. I always gave him good hugs. I know suicide ideation and mental illness isn’t logical but if the thought of me stopped him from doing something, I’d take it.

“Where is Michaela ?” Luce asks.

Ms. Sara gives him the silent “mom” look I saw mothers give in the gas station when their bad ass kids started touching all the candy. I'd given Beck a  heads up that Luce didn't pick up on a lot of social cues and had a shitty memory.

But mentioning my ex to my current is…new. Especially since he'd only met Michaela briefly over Facetime when we'd first started dating and I'd called her on Christmas so we could open our gifts together.

“I’m filling in for the role of Michaela tonight, Mr. Grace,” Beck smiles, making a joke of it.

“Dad, this is Beck,” I add. Luce extends a shaky hand that Beck takes. “This is Ms. Sara, she’s Luce's mom.”

Ms. Sara re-shuffles the deck of cards without looking up. Between her age and all the shit she’s been through she’d reached the point where she didn’t have to observe social niceties. “I wanted to see you before I caught my bus to Atlantic City but—"

“You weren’t at dinner. Where the hell have you been ?” Luce interrupts her. I couldn’t tell if he was asking, angry or merely stating a fact.

“Yeah, we woke up late and missed our train.” I explain.

Luce stares at me for a long minute. “Wasn’t it a three o’clock train—”

I feel a responsibility lecture coming on so I make an escape. “I’ll explain later, we’re going to dance, byeiloveyou!”

-4-

We head back into the main bar. I spot Dad and Maverick, wrapped up, rocking together in the corner to a bassy remix of Taylor Swift’s Love Story.

I steer clear.

One of my goals tonight was to help Beck connect with some of Maverick’s social media contacts and get some  attention on his art.

I don’t recognize a lot of the people here, most of them are friends of friends or employees of the podcasting company that just bought Maverick’s podcast. Maverick could only rent the club out if he invited enough people to make the bar’s regular liquor tab so there were a lot of randoms in the house.

Beck and I start a conversation with an up and coming comedy thirst trap TikToker. Beck gets all excited telling him about how he wants to transfer to NYU once he gets his associate’s from Hudson Valley.

I leave them to chat and slip into the bathroom to dot concealer on my hand to cover the under 21 stamp. The bartender is an older guy who comes to me the minute I try to get his attention. I humor his flirtation and then order two vodka Sprites.

While he’s making them I get a text from Beck.

Can you come outside ? 

I don’t even bother closing the bar tab.

I push through the crowd to get to the exit. Outside, Beck is  leaning against the bar’s grimy brick exterior. He looks freaked.

If Thirst Trap TikTok said something rude to Beck I was going to cut that bitch another jawline.

I grab Beck’s forearms and bring him towards me. I get up on my toes to  bop our noses together. “What is it, babe ? Are you okay ?”

“I’m good.” He smiles sadly and folds his arms around himself. “You, uh, you told me you needed me tonight. But you seem….good.”

I shrug. After the #HotNurseDad clusterfuck I guess I could get used to anything. “Maybe you're not the only drama queen.”

Beck rocks on his heels like a nervous puppy. It’s so damn cute. “Aiden texted me.”

Aiden was Beck's ex-boyfriend from Pinewood theater camp--the only place besides the internet where Beck had been his full self. They’d been campers and then counselors there until Aiden  got an ensemble part in a super buzzy Broadway bound show last year and cut ties with everyone who wasn’t in the New York theater scene.

Beck included.

Such bullshit.

“What did that dickhead say to you ?”

“Nothing. He’s not like that.” Beck sighs. I'd never seen him this anxious. “He saw I was in the city on Instagram.  He just got out of a show and  wants us to meet up at some pizza place in the theatre district—”

We’d only just gotten to Maverick’s party but I felt like I’d done my diligence. “Okay. Yeah. Let's do it. No one will notice if we leave.”

Beck sits back on his heels.  “I think…I mean it’s just a….me and him thing.”

My next word just falls out my mouth. “No.”

He balks. “Nova, you can’t tell me no—"

“Sorry,” I remedy quickly. “I just don’t get it—"

“I know I talked shit about Aiden but  he’s always been the one, you know ? If there’s a chance we can fix it…. I need to take it.”

“But...I don’t want you to go—”

“Novaaaa.” He says my name like a plea. “Come on—"

“You come on!” I shout. “ I mean seriously ? I bring you home to meet my parents! That’s a big step in a relationship and you just bail for some asshole who—”

“Relationship?,” Beck repeats like he can’t believe I used that word. “Nova, I don’t…we have fun together but I don’t see us like that. I don’t feel that way about you...You know that…right ?”

Hot anger washes over me. Every time he opens his mouth it hurts and nothing makes sense. I’m so fucking confused. “W-What the fuck did you think this was, Beck ?”

“You asked me to come to the party so you didn’t have to be alone if it got weird, ” he says carefully.  “I said yes because you’re my best friend….I thought you were doing the being single thing.”

“Single?  I’ve been with you. We’ve been together nearly everyday for the last three months. We slept together—”

“I thought it was just…sex.” He says the word sex under his breath. “You've slept with like half our friends—”

“Let me get this straight, Beckett,” I spit. I make an exaggerated counting motion with my hands. “I pay for your train ticket to New York,  make you look fucking hot, network you with people who could help your career and you want me to let you go fuck someone else--”

“I’m not going to fuck him! It's not fucking. Aiden is…more than that to me. We dated for a long time. He’s always been…the one.” Beck  sounds so desperate to make this make sense to me. “Do you know what it’s like to meet someone who feels like they were destined to be your soulmate ?”

Yes.

Yes.

You, Beckett McKinney.

Instead I say, “Fuck you.”

“Nova, don’t make me the bad guy. You flirt with everyone. How was I supposed to know—”

“Fuck you, Beck. Go. Go get your fucking heartbroken.”

“Nova,” he says like a chastisement.

“I loved you—”

He looks almost offended at that. “No, you didn’t. Not like that. You’ve got to figure your own shit out first—”

“Are you doing a Michaela impression ?,” I spit. She’d basically said the same thing when she broke up with me. “Are you mad I dropped out of fucking Albany too—"

“Nova, you didn't drop out. Albany kicked you out!” he reminds me forcefully. “You know Michaela found my IG and messaged me to to warn me. She told me about your black out drinking and the parties and how you almost took her down with you—”

“Shut the fuck up shut the fuck up shut the fuck up!” I scream. He was the last person I expected to get on me about my mistakes from last year. I went overboard and I'd learned. It’s why I’d nested so much with him in my dorm and hadn't been to a party all semester.

“C’mon, please don’t go crazy—"

I round on him and get right up in his face. People walking by stop to stare. “DON’T YOU FUCKING CALL ME CRAZY!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he says and hugs me. I don’t return it so he’s just rocking my tense body for a few seconds. “We’ll figure this out later. Be with your  family. Let’s each have fun in the city and regroup tomorrow, yes ? Please ?”

I silently watch him call an Uber and get inside. He makes a heart hand gesture to me through the window as it pulls off.

I stare at the street for a long time. I can’t bring myself to physically go back in the party after he humiliated me like that.

So I walk.

I walk street after street with no direction except forward.

At some point my phone starts dinging with texts.  I ignore them. Then Britney Spears’ Circus blares from it.

Dad calling.

I open my phone see a thread of texts from Dad and Luce asking where I am because a picture was about to be taken.

i left I respond.

Three dots immediately show up on my screen, I watch Dad typing and then deleting, waiting for whatever bitchy comment he’s going to say to twist this knife deeper.  When his text comes through it’s not what I expect.

Okay. Be safe. Love u. P.S...He’s cuuuuute!!! 😉

The next text I read is from Beck.

Aiden is taking me  to his rehearsal in the morning I think I’d be more comfortable spending the night with him He’s sending a TaskRabbit to get my stuff. What is the addy of the apartment and what is the door code ?

I stop in the middle of the sidewalk and type comfortable ? wtf  does that mean ?

I just meant less awkward.

whatever. i can bring your stuff to you. where are you ?

He responds to that quickly. I’d rather a third party. I found the address from the Uber. The TaskRabbit is on their way. What is the door code so they can get my stuff ?

I get another alert. This time it’s a Venmo payment from Beck for his train ticket. I had bought his ticket since he was my guest for the weekend.

I’d been walking so long I don’t even know where the fuck I am in the city. I hail a cab and give him the address for the Washington-Dory apartment. When I get inside  I grab Beck’s  overnight bag and unzip  it because, why the hell not ?

There isn’t anything interesting in it, but I toss his toothbrush in the trash.

A few minutes later my phone chimes again from a number I don’t know.

Hi! This is Danaria,from TaskRabbit. I’m here to pick up a duffel bag and supposed to text you for a door code.

You think I’m crazy, Beckett ?

I got your crazy.

I walk  into the kitchen and find the bleach kitchen spray under the sink. I liberally spray it into Beck's overnight bag, zip it up and shake it around.

There is a punk looking college aged girl standing outside the apartment looking at her phone anxiously.

“Danaria ?”

She nods.

I toss her Beck’s bag.

---

-5-

I wake up way too early the next morning to the muffled sounds of the television and my Dad talking. I’d heard he and Luce come in a little after midnight—which seemed early. When they came in I’d had the door to the second bedroom closed and was in the middle of binging my comfort YouTube playlist while nibbling on an edible I stole from Luce a few months ago.

Dad hadn’t come to the door to check on me. A few hours later I’d heard Maverick come in.

My phone was on Do Not Disturb last night so I could watch YouTube in peace. When I turn Do Not Disturb off the phone floods with missed calls, texts and alerts. Beck called me three times after midnight and then sent a series of increasingly hostile texts about his ruined bag.

I stop reading after he calls me a god damn pyscho son of a bitch with a special place in hell.

I take my time showering and pad out into the kitchen.

The condo has been cleaned up and platter of  bagels and cream cheese sat in the middle of the breakfast bar. Next to it is a tray of eggs, bacon and fruit. Dad is filling drinking glasses with fresh orange juice from the juicer.

He's wearing his favorite Lululemon mesh cut leggings and a Hudson Valley Community College Vikings t-shirt. He looks way too sober and put together to have been out the night before. I’d been out with him before and he was usually so hungover he stayed under the covers for 24 hours.

Luce is sitting at the breakfast bar in nice clothes and not one of his hideous track suits. He does look extremely hungover.

Maverick is on the couch, which is as far as you could get from the kitchen area even though it was all basically one room.

“Good Morning!” Dad smiles. He starts adjusting the platters. “I didn’t know what Beck liked for breakfast so I got up this morning and got a little bit of everything. Luce isn’t feeling well so we’re going to pack up everything and head home after breakfast but you boys can stay—”

“Beck’s not here.”

Dad’s cheerful act drops. “What do you mean, he’s not here ?” He crosses his arms and walks around the counter. “Nova, you’re responsible for him—”

“His ex called and he wanted to stay with him.”

“That’s a dick move,” Maverick mutters from the couch over the soft sounds of his typing on his laptop. Suddenly I feel defensive.

“No, it’s not.” It comes off out way too bitter. “He’s an adult. I don’t own him.”

“You said he was your boyfriend…right ?” Dad says carefully.

I suddenly realize Beck had never used that word. I barely had.“Okay, well, I was wrong—"

Dad unfolds his arms and hugs me. “Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry. I have an idea. We should have breakfast in bed and we can talk about—”

“It’s whatever,” I lie. I wiggle out of his grip and  pick up a strawberry. I attempt to eat is casually. “I don’t care. I don’t have time for anyone right now anyway with all my school stuff.”

“Did you finally pick a new concentration ?,” Luce asks. “The drop date is Tuesday.”

Dad turns to me accusingly. Switching from wanting to be my  BFF to being my warden. 

And people thought I might be bipolar.

“Nova. You did not switch majors again, did you ?”

I’d gone to University Albany as a nursing major but when my first semester science class went over my head I switched to philosophy and then English and then business. I was a nursing major again at Hudson Valley when I enrolled over the summer  but I’d switched to film studies in Fall after falling in love with an elective film class.

Now, I hated film studies, dropped all my film classes and needed to find another major I could stick with before I missed the drop date. I let Luce handle all my school tuition and bills so he had something to do but it also meant he knew when I dropped my classes.

“What do you care ? You aren’t fucking paying for it.”  They'd spent my college fund on medical debt and El had stepped in to pay for my college.

“Watch you're god damn mouth. We’re paying for your housing up there, ” Luce reminds me smugly. “And we’re not going over the tuition estimate I gave El just because you can’t get your shit together—”

“Luce,” Dad chastises him softly before turning to me. “Nova, sweetheart, we can talk about this later. Your Dad and I just want to make sure you don’t make some of the same choices you did lastyear—”

It was like I was 16-years-old still. I let out a pent up scream and Luce glares at me.“I know. I know I fucked up last year. It doesn’t have shit to do with you—”

“It does when you piss away $18,000 and get kicked out of school.” Luce argues. “You've been in college for three semesters and don't have a single college credit to show for it.” He is so mad and I have no idea why.

“That's not fucking true.”

Yes, I’d failed all off my classes first semester Albany classes. And I'd ended up losing all my second semester credits when I was kicked out for having shitty grades and drinking in the dorm.

But  I had six summer credits from Hudson Valley. And  I had been trying in school.

My phone vibrates with a series of alerts.

Beck was now requesting $700 from me on Venmo. For property damage.

Attached to the request was a screenshot of the New York penal code about property damage.

The other alerts are notifications from the Alters Discord server and our Alters What's App group chat. I'd been banned from both.

Fuck him.

I needed a break.

From everyone.

I walk back into the second bedroom.

Footsteps follow behind me. I turn to ask to be left the fuck  alone but then I see Maverick. He just hovers at the door frame. I'd never fought with my parents in front of him.

I roll my eyes. “Did he seriously send you in here?”

“No, nothing like that,” Maverick says quickly. “I just want to say…if any of what is going with you is about me….I want you to let me know. You can be honest with me.”

My eyes roll again, this time of their own volition. Did he think everything was about him ?“Okay, well, it’s not you.”

“I’ve had my heartbroken a few times.” Maverick looks at the floor with a grim smile. He steps farther into the room. “I know how tough that can—”

“Nobody broke my heart. So…” I shrug.

“I think you’re a great ki—person, Nova. And the person who loves you the way you deserve to be loved will be so lucky. You're so young right now and it just might take time—”

He sounded like he did in his  exceedingly meaningless inspo videos I would have tattooed on my skin when I was in middle school. “Well…we can’t all be my dad who gets everyone he wants.”

That gets him. He bites his lip like he was going to cry.

“Okay. Hint taken. Sorry, I  bothered you.” He looks so defeated but I don't care because I know Maverick doesn’t actually give a fuck about how much Beck hurt me. He's only standing here because I made his boyfriend feel a sad.

Nobody had ever loved me enough to do that.

“It’s fucking weird sometimes.” I’m not even thinking about what I’m saying. I just want to make him hurt.“I mean, I used  to get off to you and like, I know what your cum face looks like and—”

“Okay, Jesus. Enough,” he says firmly. 

I  don’t like his tone at all.

“Fucking make me! You don’t tell me what to do. But I guess,  that’s your little stupid thing or whatever ? Making people do shit—”

“Shit, you have a  fucking mouth on you, you—"

He cuts himself off when I step into his space. I take another step, moving our bodies closer. His fingertips  go to my hip. His brown eyes search mine. I feel his minty breath fluttering on my cheek. The pads of his finger press into my hip and he gently rocks me back. 

When he opens his mouth I  take the opportunity and lean forward. Our lips catch for only a second before he backs away violently. He looks like I stabbed him. “Absolutely not,” he says darkly and stumbles backward out of the room and back into the living room.

Oh, fuck.

I. Am…so fucking stupid.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

He was going to tell.

I don’t even bother changing out of my pajamas and shower shoes. I just grab my overnight bag and barrel through the living room before anyone can speak to me. I call out “going to see a friend” and bail.

I book it down the 16 flights of stairs and speed walk until I’m  blocks away from the building. I stop to catch my breath and  walk into the first Starbucks I see. I change into my pants from yesterday, a winkled loose fitting floral button up, and my teal lace up Doc Martens

Then I text Mason Clark. Hey, babe guess whose about to be in town. Pick me up from the train station ?

A/N

I have no idea how Lile and I both ended up postingNew Adult at the same time ? Upstate New York is a very Lile move too but I just needed a place that was close to New York and Connecticut by train but not so close Nova would live at home.

Alters is based loosely off the video game Persona 5. I wanted to have the fandom aspect but it was too hard to find a piece of media that fit what I wanted and I could understand.

In the extended epilogue all the Maverick references were pointing to the fact that Haley and Maverick were sort of dating long distance. Maverick isn't in this much but I'm just now realizing I see him as an extroverted introvert.

Before I found the Pic Crew character designer I used on final covers I was messing around in a fantasy character designer and this is the original original cover of Hearts Speak...I couldn't justify the fantasy clothes at the time but I can see it as an example of the drawings Beck did of Nova and he as tv characters.