-1-

I never knew so many people traveling on Christmas Eve. The Hartford Amtrak Station is packed. The Salvation Army santas are ringing away in the bitter cold as masses of people move between the platforms.

From my bench on the platform  I spot Rhett leaving  the train—he’s wearing a fitted navy peacoat, a gray knitted hat and thick red scarf-- it was so odd seeing him dressed for the cold weather. He is laughing as he exchanges words with one of the porters unloading the luggage. When Rhett gets his rolling bag and turns I notice he has a large gift bag with a sparkling Christmas tree and color coordinated bow.

Rhett stops short and smiles when he notices me sitting on the platform bench. Shaking his head he speed walks over to me and I stand.

“Why are you waiting out in this damn cold ?,” he asks.

He wraps an arm around my body and we walk huddled together into the warmth of the Hartford Train Station. He struggles a little to pull his luggage, with the gift bag and me in his arms.

“I can take that.” I say holding my gloved hands out for the gift bag.

 “It’s pretty heavy and I don’t want you to peak,” he says pulling the gift bag away from me. “Can I have a kiss ?”

We stop walking and I press my lips to his and he drops the gift bag on the floor and brings his hand to the back of my neck, pulling us closer.  His touch is so familiar. He smells like aftershave and candy cane.

“I missed you, baby,” he breathes as he pulls away.

“I missed you too,” I said.

He kisses my forehead before we start walking again.

We’d only been a part for five weeks, which should have been nothing for us. We'd gone two months apart. We'd gone years apart. I hadn’t discussed when I would be leaving Connecticut, but I had a feeling I’d be leaving with Rhett after Christmas.

“Are you okay ?,” Rhett asks me

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

I nod.

Dad and Tessa hadn’t asked anything of me since I’d been in Hartford. It was almost like my brain was on vacation—it wasn’t running a million miles a second.  I’d had a few crying days when we’d gone through some of Mom’s belongings and I still had a lot of morning sickness, but there were no panic attacks.

It was almost like  being in UL again. Life was simple.

When we get to Dad’s SUV  I have to practically wrestle Rhett for the keys—Dad would kill me if I let Rhett drive his car. I get us lost for a few minutes before I finally find my way to Dad’s new townhouse.

“Are you ready ?,” I ask him when we are idling outside.

“Yeah,” Rhett nods, but he looks nervous.

We walk into the house and Dad is sitting on the couch  with the New York Times crossword like clockwork.  Tess is in the kitchen  making cookies with Hallie. She sprints out of the kitchen when she sees us.

Tessa gives Rhett a half hug and then looks down at Hallie.

 “Hallie, you remember  Juliana’s husband. He’s spending Christmas with us.” Tessa says. “Say hello,”

Hallie, who was usually always talking to strangers, stares up at him quietly from behind Tessa’s legs. Rhett kneels down to her level and hands her a  small perfectly gift wrapped box from the bag.

“J talks about you  all the time, Hallie.” Rhett lies. “ I got you a gift.”

Hallie takes the box and looks at it before looking back up at Tessa.

“Can I open it now, Mommy ?”

Tessa nods and Hallie unwraps it to reveal a  My Little Pony stuffed animal and a pack of pixie sticks. Her face lights up when she sees it. Her entire room was horse themed so I'd told Rhett to get her something with horses.

“Juliana says you’re a sailor,” Hallie says quietly and Rhett laughs.

“She said that ?,” Rhett smiles. “Yeah something like that. I’m an engineer…I work with big ships.”

Tessa pulls Hallie back into the kitchen and I give Rhett what I hope is an encouraging look as he approaches my Dad, who’d been aggressively silent since Rhett came in. I stay behind the couch watching them.

“Merry Christmas, sir,” Rhett says extending his hand to my Dad.

Dad looks up at Rhett’s hand and then goes back to his crossword.

“Don’t ‘sir’ me, Mr. Clark,” Dad says sternly.

Rhett looks over at me, gritting his teeth. I try and give him an encouraging look.

I knew Dad and Rhett didn’t get along, but Dad had agreed to let Rhett stay for Christmas.

“Okay,” Rhett says. “Well, thank you for letting me stay here--”

“You married my daughter without asking me, dragged her to some back country swamp town 1400 miles away from her family and got her pregnant. I don’t think I had a choice."

“Daniel,” Tessa says in a warning tone from the kitchen.

“I’m sorry,” Dad says. “But I’m far too old for niceties and spared feelings. I don’t like you and I don’t trust you, Mr. Clark. However , I do love my daughter and that is the only reason you are staying here. Now, it seems like you’ll be in our life for a while so maybe one day my feeling about you will change, but not today.”

Rhett looks up at me with a half smile and I think we have the same thought.

That is progress.

***

-2-

“God, this room is so fucking weird,” Rhett says kissing the back of my neck. “It looks exactly the same as it did on the—back then.”

“Well, the windows are different,” I reason, turning around on my pillow to face him.

My room in the commune only had one bay window and this room had two long floor to ceiling windows.

I turn myself into his body and lay my head on his sweat damp chest and our legs tangle together under the sheets. His broad arms wrap around my chest, bringing me closer.

We’d helped Tess and Dad set up Hallie’s gifts from Santa and gone to bed an hour ago. I didn’t know I could feel  desirable at  almost 7 months pregnant, but Rhett had managed it. The tingling afterglow in my body was dying down as I listened to his steady heartbeat. He ran his hands through my hair. I wanted lay like this forever.

“Do you think Jocelyn will be mad at me for taking you away from your family on Christmas ?,” I ask.

I feel the muscles in his chest tighten as he shrugs.

“You are my family,” he tells me. “Besides I had to get out of  Freeport for a while. Going back there after everything I’ve seen in college…I don’t know, the whole town  seems like such bullshit.”

“We could move,” I tell him.

“Yeah, we will.” he sighs pulling me up so our faces are touching  the same pillow. “Actually I want to talk to you about that.”

“What happened ?,” I ask, sitting up alarmed.

“Nothing. Nothing bad.” he says coaxing me back to the pillow. “It’s just—you know how I wanted to go to A-School--,”

“No. Is that like Officer’s school ?,”

 “No, it’s Aviation Survival Technician school, it's the Coast Guard rescue swimmers. They're like special forces. I told you about it…maybe it was in a letter. Anyway, the program  is really competitive and there is this 4 week training camp I’m thinking of going to next month--”

The shortness of breath comes almost instantly, I hate that I feel this way and tears start forming in my eyes.

“Um, okay... where is it ?,” I ask through deep breaths.

“California--”

“Can I come ?”

“Are you crazy  ?” he says. “I mean,  if you weren’t pregnant you could. But by the time it would be over you wouldn’t even be able to travel--”

I start wiping the tears from my face and he sits up, suddenly aware I’m crying. It only makes the tears come faster.

“Come on, J stop trying to make me feel bad--”

“It feels like you keep leaving me--”

“I ain’t leaving,” he says. “It's only training camp. Hell, I probably won’t make it through training camp and if I do I’ll defer A-School for a year.  I told my commander about the baby--”

“So you’ll be leaving us next year ?,” I say in a biting tone. The us part just slips out and I can see it hurt him

“Stop phrasing it that way,” he says raising his voice and then closing his eyes. “I know this sounds bad--,”

“I’m scared something is going to happen to you--”

“Nothing is going to happen to me,” he says. “It’s just a training camp. J, I promise this is the last thing I’ll ever ask from you. If I can just get through training camp and A-School the rest of my life will be all about you and our son. I swear. Please—I need this. ”

Well I need you. Is what I want to say, but even I know that sounds clingy.

"Why ?," I ask instead.

"I don't think I was made to sit behind a desk," he says. "I hate my job.  I'm afraid of the person I'll become if I stay where I am working at a desk 9 to 5 and drinking it all away on the weekends.  Besides I've got a lot of bad shit to make up for and I think the discipline will be good for me. I'm doing this for us, I don't want to turn into...fucking Ray Ashby."

My feelings of anxiety mix with guilt and turn sour in my stomach.

 I don’t even bother trying to find my clothes in the tangle of the sheets. I wrap a towel over my body and dash to the bathroom slamming the door behind me.

Rhett knocks on the bathroom door for a few moments, but leaves me alone after a while. I throw up for a few minutes and  spend an hour sitting on the floor crying. When I finally decide to go back to bed he is asleep.

***

-3-

I was so angry with Rhett and I didn’t know why. I was fine without him, but something about what he said hurt.

I had intended to spend Christmas Day running interference between my Dad and Rhett but I didn’t care anymore. I could never make Rhett feel as bad as my Dad could so I let Dad have free range.

In the morning  I sit in the reclining chair in the living room, forcing Rhett on the same couch as Dad and Tess as we watch Hallie open her presents.

Most of her gifts are from Dad and Tess, one from me and one from her social worker. Jocelyn calls while we are sitting down to a late lunch of pot roast. The Sullivan family had  just gotten back from church  and wanted to be put on speaker phone wish everyone Merry Christmas. It was quick and awkward.

“You know I used to go to the Southaven Bible Church food pantry,” Tess tells Rhett and I at lunch. “They were the only ones that had fresh produce.”

“Yeah, my grandfather was an elder there and my great-grandfather literally laid the foundation--or so I'm told,” Rhett tells her.

“And how did they feel about you joining a cult ?,” Dad asks.

“I don’t know.  They were both dead by then.” Rhett says in a steely voice his eyes on his plate.

“Daniel--,” Tess says.

“It’s okay,” Rhett says, the side of his mouth going up in a rueful smile. “My grandfather was a mean son of a bitch--,”

“I don’t like that kind of language around my child,” Dad cuts him off. He was referring to Hallie, who had been too busy playing with her new Gameboy to even listen to us.

“It’s okay, honey,” Tess tries to laugh off. “She’s heard worse--,”

“It's disrespectful. I hope you don’t use that kind of crass language around a baby, Mr. Clark.” Dad continues.

Rhett throws his fork down and rolls his eyes.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Rhett says standing up and facing Dad. "You have something you want to say to me just say it."

Dad stands up too and slams his hands against  the table. I’d never seen him look so angry and  Rhett was getting that defiant 'challenge me' look in his face.

I was tired and just wanted  to go hide in my room.

“I’ve had enough, Mr. Clark. You may think you have grown up but you are still the same arrogant, self-righteous irresponsible child that was conned into joining United Light. My daughter can do so much better than you. She deserves it.”

Rhett looks over at me for help and I avoid his glare.

“You aren’t going to say anything, Juliana ?,” Rhett says to me.

“Don’t  you dare talk to her like that--”

 “Oh, so now you care about her?,” Rhett cuts him off.

“Excuse me--”

“You pretended like she didn’t exist for three whole years when she was in jail. Did you know she had to ask me for money because she couldn't contact you? ” Rhett shouts.

My face burns at the memory. I'd hated having to ask him for money. It had only been $20 and it had only been once but I'd  spent all my money on stamps and was desperate for aspirin. The jail physician wouldn't give it to me because she thought I was already on too many medications so I had to buy it myself at the commissary.

“You’re a selfish asshole," Rhett continues. "You missed three birthdays and three Christmases with your own daughter. Hell, I know one year you didn't even bother to send a card. You didn’t even come to our wedding even when she cried and begged you--"

 “I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” Dad says quietly. “You are not welcome in my home and need to go back to Louisiana. Today.”

“Daniel,” Tess says softly.

My instinct is to defend Rhett. I know he doesn’t mean what he says and he thinks he’s defending me.  

“I'm not even sure why you are even here. I think Juliana has made it perfectly clear where she wants to be,” Dad continues in the quiet voice. “She’s been her for a month for  a reason.  I expect you to send her things--”

Rhett smiles and casts his eyes down at me.

“That’s right,” Rhett says. “She didn’t tell you the real reason she even  came here.”

Now I’m standing.

“Not now, Rhett.” I warn taking his wrist

“Oh, now you can talk,” Rhett says under his breath, pulling his wrist away.

“Get your things and get out of my house,” Dad says. “Now.”

“Fine,” Rhett says. “But I think you should know Juliana’s only here because of the half a million dollars you got from UL and never mentioned to her.”

The room is silent except for A Christmas Story playing on the TV in the living room.

Dad turns to me with a pained look in his eye.

“Who told you about that ?,”

“It just came up when I was talking to Raleigh about the settlements,” I lie “He thought I knew  about it…It’s not the only reason I came, but I…I didn’t know how to ask you about it.  I’ve just been having such a hard time finding a job with my record…just a few thousand dollars would help us--.”

“You’re still going back with him ?,” Dad asks, his eyes narrowing..

I nod.

“You don’t have to sweetheart--,”

“I do,” I say. “I want to--,”

I was angry with Rhett, but  we had made vows and our home was in Freeport.

Dad walks out of the dining room and  to his bedroom. Rhett and I just stare at each other the whole time and Tess  becomes very interested in Hallie’s  video  game.

 When Dad returns he has a checkbook from a bank I’d never seen him visit.

 We silently watch him writes two checks.

One is for $1,000

The other is for $20,000

“Dad--”

“Do you have your own bank account, Juliana ?,” Dad asks me.

I shake my head no. I’d closed the one in Florida and had been keeping what little money I'd earned in Rhett’s account.

“We’re going to the bank to get you a private  account  tomorrow,” Dad says. “One check will go into a checking account  for you to get what you need for the baby. The other one will go into a savings account and  you can only use it  to get on your feet when you decide to leave him.”

---

-4-

The next day a  shining new silver debit card with my married name on it sits in my hand.

After going to the bank Dad and I went to the café  in the town center across the street from the bank and ate big bowls of hot soup to warm up.

Rhett left the townhouse right after Dad gave me the checks. He said he wasn’t mad at me and told me to have a good time with my family. He told me he was staying with a friend from school, but I had a feeling he spent most of Christmas in the rental car and I knew I’d have to make it up to him next year.

"Thank you for everything," I tell Dad

He furrows his brow.

"I wasn't hiding the money from you sweetheart," he tells me. "I just got the pay out last year and it was like a blessing. We don't really have an income. Tess works at the pharmacy for the social aspect, but the pay is dismal. I've been out of the workforce for more than 30 years and I wasn't going to be happy stamping receipts at Wal-Mart. Things are much more complicated than you understand, sweetheart. It's not that I don't love you--"

“Why didn’t you visit me?,” I ask Dad as the check for our soup comes. “I mean…in Florida.”

His brow furrows again. Dad didn’t like talking about hard things. But neither did I.  

He looks out the window of the café before looking back at me.

“It was hard, Juliana” he admits. “You were always moving around facilities and…and they put you in that real jail. I  just couldn’t see you locked up like that.”

“I felt…abandoned,” I tell him.

His eyes go down and he looks ahead, past me.

“I know, sweetheart. But things were different for us,” he says.  “I didn’t have the settlement money then and Hallie was so young--,”

“Will you come see me after the baby is born ?,” I ask.

I was done talking about the past we couldn’t change. The past I wasn’t apart of."

Dad is quiet and I take it as a no.

“Why can’t you just come visit just me Dad ? Rhett would be at work most of the time.” I continue, my voice breaking.. “You and Tess can go to New Orleans and I'll watch Hallie. You can see where we live and where I go to church and meet Rhett’s family. I don’t understand--”

Dad frowns and shakes his head.

“I can’t go back there Juliana. I’m not.” Dad says. “ Freeport  is too close to that place. The commune… I don’t know how you stand it.”

I pause.

I knew the commune was nearby, but I’d never even thought of seeing it. I’d certainly never thought of being afraid of it.

“You can always stay here, Juliana.” Dad says. “I can’t say I’m ready to live with a newborn but we can figure it out. You are always welcome to live with us.”

My heart feels pulled into pieces. If I stayed with Dad in Connecticut, Rhett wouldn’t be welcome but if I went back to Louisiana with Rhett, Dad would never visit me.

I suddenly wished for the Florida isolation again.

 -----

):

The next chapter is going to be 10k !