-1-

Rhett

I sit on the edge of the dock letting my bare feet hang over the edge.

I fucking loved the ocean.

I didn’t like to admit it because it sounds so dumb and stereotypical. But when I look out from the pier at the gently waving water extending into the horizon I get excited. It takes all my adult restraint not to jump in.

“You’re so beautiful,” I whisper.

“You can’t even see me,” she says in a strained voice.

“I know…I’m sorry, baby.” I say, adjusting the phone on my ear.

Even with the shitty connection I can hear her holding back tears. She stifles a moan and a curse which is rare coming from  her.

“Juliana,” I say.

“I’m okay,” she lies and then sighs raggedly.

 I can tell she’s upset with me.

She was in pain and I couldn’t be there to help make her feel better. To hold her hand. I felt like such an asshole.

It was near 2 AM and I had walked from my dorm room to the docks with the phone pressed to my ear, tears streaming down my face. I hadn’t even gotten dressed—I was still in sweatpants and an undershirt.

AST Training Camp in California had been a bitch but I’d finished  camp with the highest scores. The trainers recommended me to  go straight to A-School in North Carolina.

There’d been some tears , but for some reason she let me go.

She knew I’d be in A-School for 8 months, then EMT training for a month and then flight training.

I knew I would miss the birth of my own son but it hadn’t quite hit me until I’d gotten the call earlier tonight.  She was alone  at the hospital with a nurse with a cell phone and Mama--who’d stupidly talked Juliana out of an epidural. Her water had broken in the afternoon and now she was minutes away.

“I love you, baby.” I tell her. “I love you so much.”

She doesn’t respond and all I hear is her heavy breathing.

“Baby ?,” I say . “I’m so sorry I’m not with you--,”

“I can’t talk to you right now ,” she tells me.

“Are you okay ?,”

“It just…it just hurts so bad, Rhett.”

“Okay. Okay, tell them you changed your mind and to give you drugs--”

“I--It’s too late--” 

“No it’s not. Let me talk to someone--”

I hear the phone hit the ground and Mama’s voice in the distance as she picks it up

“Honey ?,” Mama says.

“She needs something for the pain,” I tell her. “Make them give her something.”

“Stop it, Rhett,” Mama says. “The drugs they use ain't safe, I don’t trust it. Especially not with this family’s track record--”

“She wanted to have painkillers. She’s not you--you can't just talk her out of stuff--”

“I’m sorry, Rhett  but I’m the one here acting as support for your wife not you--”

“I know. And I feel like an asshole.”

“You should,” Mama says. She could be real biting when she wanted to be. “Honey, I think you’re stressing Juliana out and she needs to concentrate to get through this. We’ll call you when it’s over and they're both settled. Maybe in a few hours.”

I want to protest but she hangs up on me.

I should just call her back, but I also have to get back to sleep. A-School was brutal, the endurance standards had nothing on the Academy—we were barely a month in and two guys had been dropped from the program  for not keeping up.

I walk quietly back into the dorm style room I shared  with Keller, one of my cohort, and got back into bed.

I don’t get much sleep before I’m rolled out of bed by Bethany Whitlow.

Whitlow was the only girl in our cohort—she was 28 and  had been in the Coast Guard for almost a decade. She knew how to ride with the guys. I  knew I shouldn’t compare her to other girls I’d dated but I couldn’t help it. She wasn’t like any girl I knew.

Her dark brown hair was cut into a short style that was practical in the water, but she still managed to look like a feminie on the singular occasion I’d seen her in civilian clothes.

“Wake up, Clark. Come on,” Whitlow whispers, padding out the room  in just her socks.

She was up an hour early than usual, but I follow her down the hallways and into the common area of our dorm where the other members of our A-School cohort were gathered around the coffee table.

There was a box of plain mini donuts on the table, a single blue balloon tied to the chair, a card and a paper sign that said HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY CLARK !

It was a silly thing to celebrate, but we worked on a strict 6-day schedule of training, drills and classes and didn’t have time for a lot of fun. I had no idea when they had time to put this together.

“Ya’ll really shouldn’t have--”

“Ya’ll ?,” Rogers teases me.

“Fuck you,” I smile. Our training facility was on the Elizabeth City base, but most of my class was from the West Coast. A few minutes on the phone with Mama and my accent was coming on strong.

“So, how is  Mrs. Clark ?” Whitlow asks me.

"God, it sounds like you're talking about my mama when you say that," I tell her.

"Fine," Whitlow says with a shit eating grin. "How's wifey ?,"

 I roll my eyes.

“I don’t know,” I admit. “I think she’s in a lot of pain...she’s gonna kill me when  I see her again.”

“Nah. Don’t feel bad about not being there,” Morgan, the oldest man in our cohort at 32-years-old  says “Women don’t want you in there and you’d feel just as helpless.”

“I bet she's having the time of her life," Whitlow smiles. " I'm sure you have her in one of those big private birthing rooms that’s like a penthouse suite.”

“Did you already pick out your  live in nanny yet ?,” Johnson jokes

They liked to make fun of me because  I was the only one in our cohort who was a commissioned officer. They thought I was soft and overpaid—neither of which was especially true but I was probably the only one who'd taken a  paycut to be here.

In my head Whitlow and I were in direct competition not to be the weakest. I liked her and I knew it was wrong but she was my litmus test on how well I was doing. Everyone had to be better than us.  No one wanted to be behind a girl or the commissioned officer in laps or drills.

I laugh with them as we start talking about training and I try and act like I’m  not wrecked inside over missing the birth of my son. I was good at it.  I’d learned how to compartmentalize my personal life to get through A-school.  The instructors can tell when you aren’t 100 percent and there was no way in hell I’d go through this shit again if I got asked to leave.

I’d earned my spot here and I wasn’t going to give it up.

 

 

----

-2-

Juliana

 

I was alone in our apartment when I felt the first contraction.

I’d been ignoring the apartment phone ringing so it would seem like I was out but the truth was I hadn’t left the couch in 3 days. It just hurt too much.

My entire pregnancy had been uncomfortable and full of new pain so I ignored the contraction at first.

Then I felt my water break.

I forced myself off the couch took the overnight bag we’d packed and got in the car. The plan was for me to call Jocelyn and Rhett right away but it was  the middle of the day and Rhett would be in training and I knew Jocelyn had a full schedule of clients she couldn’t afford to leave.

I got myself 35 miles down the road to the St. Gertrude’s Women’s Center and called Jocelyn from the hospital bed. She was mad at me but it didn’t matter because 10 hours of  labor later I was signing the birth certificate.

The baby had the finest wisps of hair that would either be dirty blonde or brown, a slight nose and Rhett's green eyes. When the doctor first put him in his arms he wasn’t screaming like I imagined.  On my chest  he looked so tiny and so calm despite being just pulled  away from the only place he’d ever known.

I’d been in survival mode since I went to the halfway house. I  didn’t think I had that kind of capacity to feel love for another person completely. I was still trying to figure out what it meant to love my own husband. But with one look I got it. Unconditional love. With one look I loved my son. I couldn’t imagine letting anyone else take  my baby like my parents had given me up to Caine.

 I left the hospital the next day, thankful for Rhett’s insurance after seeing the bill. I was going to live at  Jocelyn’s house for the first few weeks and she’d taken a whole day off to spend the first day with me but then had to get back to the salon; she was so close to breaking even.

Savannah was still in school but I was never really alone in the house.  There was a parade of people coming through the little yellow Clark house  who wanted to visit and hold him

“I’m sure Rhett would be here if he could… but that is the military life,” Mrs. Grady, Cody's mom said

“It’s good bonding time just the two of you,” Aubrey, Rhett's cousin assured me.

“Having that boy here would have just added more pressure on you,” Macy smiled as she snapped photos

“Promise me you won’t be too mad at him,”Deacon says

Everyone makes excuses for Rhett.

After a week, the revolving door of visitors seemed to have died down. I was still sore and had gauze in places I didn’t even know I could bleed but I was adjusting.

The baby had to be fed every three hours, which didn't bother me because I hadn’t been sleeping at night anyway. I had this fear that the bassinet Rhett had put together in Jocelyn's house before he left was going to collapse. I wanted to take him out of it all together, but I  was too afraid of smothering him in my sleep or a tick getting him if I left him on the floor.

I decided to just spend all night holding him and watching him breath.

I hadn’t slept in days and was sitting on the couch like a zombie with Deacon, who owned the truck he drove and always gave himself a week off every month. He was watching the  monster truck rally on the TV turned low, when we heard a loud knock on the door.

Deacon quickly jumps to get the door.

“Don’t knock, boy. Just open the door next time.” Deacon scolds whoever is at the door. “Kid’s tryna sleep.”

I peer into the hall from the couch and Deacon steps aside. Cody steps into the hallway, a baseball cap pulled low over his eyes. He has a plain blue gift bag in his hand and he looks so nervous

“Sorry… I didn’t know if I was welcome, ” he says sheepishly to Deacon.

Deacon turns to me and I nod.

“Hi, Cody,” I said.

“Want a beer, son ?,” Deacon asks and Cody nods.

Deacon goes outside to  the sunroom where he kept his cooler of beer when he came over and Cody starts walking towards me. I hadn’t seen Cody since Rhett and he fought, but I’d heard from Savannah  that Cody was given 60 days in jail from the judge for failure to report and drug paraphernalia. He must have lost his job and I imagined he was on probation.

“I think he wants you to hold him,” I say to Cody.

Cody smiles and sits next to me.  His watery blue eyes look bloodshot but he doesn’t smell like alcohol or marijuana so I  put the baby in his lap, slowly placing his hand on the back of his head.  Cody rocks him slowly and looks up at me with a grin that lights up his whole face.

I open the gift bag and pull out a blue pacifier with little yellow ribbons dangling. The ribbons have a duck pattern on them.

“Look what Cody got for you,” I whisper to the baby.

“Actually, that’s for Rhett,” Cody corrects me. “When he starts whinin’ and you need him to shut the hell up,”

“This will come in handy,” I say and Cody laughs.

“He looks just like his daddy…” Cody smiles. “Can’t believe he ain’t seen him…you must be so pissed.”

“I’m not mad,” I say. “I just wish Rhett would come home soon so I can see that’s he’s okay... I keep getting a feeling something bad is going to happen to him.”

At first I didn’t want Rhett to leave me in Freeport when he went to North Carolina but his presence had started to crowd me in. I liked having space and not feeling like someone was watching me like they did in the halfway house.  I’d told Rhett he should go to AST school for selfish reasons.

But now I was the worried one. I worried everyday Rhett didn’t see the baby. I had a strong feeling something would happen and Rhett would never see our son.

“He’ll be fine,” Cody assures me. “I heard that rescue swimmer shit was pretty tough , but you know he’s a stubborn son of a bitch--,”

“It doesn’t matter. Something could still happen,” I tell him. I look behind me to see Deacon was  still getting the beer from the cooler and I lower my voice. “I just don’t want what happened to Rhett’s Dad to happen to him--”

“Nah,” Cody says. “He’s ain’t that stupid. Rhett ain’t  a pussy.”

I frown at his language, but he doesn’t see it.

“I don’t think dying in the armed forces makes you…that,” I say.

Cody looks away from the sleeping baby to meet  my gaze.

“Rhett’s daddy didn’t die overseas,” Cody says. “Charlie killed himself--”

I hear the soft thump of boots on the parquet floor and turn to see Deacon standing half in and half out of the sunroom door. Deacon drops a can of beer  on the sidetable near Cody and makes a slow pace back towards the leather rocking recliner.

“Rhett ain’t tell you ?,” Deacon says, his eyes  narrowed on the TV.

“No—I mean I think I just misunderstood,” I say.  “I’m sorry--”

Deacon just shrugs and turns the TV up before asking Cody something about sports.

I stared at Deacon as I let this new fact settle in.

Poor Deacon.

Aubrey had told me about how her Dad was in prison one night when we were alone in the salon. Which meant a year after Deacon’s oldest brother went to prison for murder his other brother killed himself.

The subject seemed to have been dropped but I suddenly have a lot of questions for Cody but I know better than to ask them in front of Deacon. I wanted to know why Charlie had done it and an even worse part of me wanted to know how and where. 

 

 

-3-

Rhett comes home for his first two day visit on a Friday, 6 weeks after I give birth.

Deacon was supposed to pick him up from the airport since he was passing the airport on his way back from a haul to The Keys, but he’d caught traffic in Orlando so at the last minute I’d gone instead.

I paid to park the truck at Armstrong Airport and found my way to his gate so I could be there when he got off the plane.

When he comes out of the gate he is looking straight ahead and doesn't see me. He has on a red US Coast Guard cap, white earbuds in his ear, an overnight bag in one hand and a gray backpack on his back. His facial expression looked intense and oddly serious.

He looked different. I hadn’t thought about how him being away at such an intense program might have changed us. He was spending all day learning how to save lives. I wonder if I looked different since  I’d done nothing but  sit on the couch holding a baby for the past month and a half.

I wave in his direction and when he notices  me his eyes narrow in confusion at seeing me here before his face breaks into a smile and he starts towards me.

“Hi--,” I start but I barely get a syllable out.

He puts his hand on my cheek and pulls me toward him in a kiss. His tongue slides across the seam of my mouth and I open my lips for him. I missed kissing him and I don’t want to let go. When we pull apart he keeps his hand on my face and places several small kisses on my bottom lip. A zip of excitement runs through my body.

“I missed you,” he says. He takes his hat off and puts it on my head before sliding his arm around my waist and guiding us towards the exit.

I can’t stop peeking glances and staring up at him as we walk towards the parking garage. He’s only been gone 9 weeks but he’d changed. His hair is cut so short, it almost looks all shaved off. His body feels bigger and more solid.

But I think  it’s the things I know about him that make him seem like a stranger. For the past month I’d heard so many stories about him while all sorts of people from his life came to visit the baby.  I felt like I knew Rhett better.

“You look tired, baby” he says to me in a concerned voice.

“So do you,” I tell him—and he did. There were dark spots around his eyes.

“Yeah,” he said. “You still up for tonight ?”

I nod. We were going to a party at Wil and Aubrey's property.

Rhett leaves the truck radio on the country station I’d left it on at random even though I know he hates it. He starts to tells me about his flight but I fall asleep as we drive to Wil and Aubrey’s property. Most of his family was waiting for us there—including Mason.

When the car pulls up to the grassy area of Wil and Aubrey’s yard that served as  makeshift parking lot a small crowd is waiting. Before he opens his car door Rhett leans over to my side of the car and kisses me again.

“Let’s do this,” he smiles.

Rhett opens the door and hugs and kisses his mom first followed by Savannah and does a hug, handshake backslapping combination with Wil. We walk into the crowded house where Aubrey is having a loud conversation with  Brooke on the couch,  holding Mason in one arm as  her own kids looked on with both curiosity and disdain

“Daddy’s here,” Wil calls into the living room and Aubrey instantly pops up when she sees Rhett.

She holds  Mason out to Rhett. I feel a few tears slide down my face. Mason starts to get fussy in Rhett’s arms and I instinctively reach my arms out to take him, but Rhett brushes me away.

“Don’t you start with me, little boy” Rhett coos to the baby who had gone into a full on cry now.

A part of me was concerned that Rhett wouldn’t like the baby, that he was upset with me and still wish I’d gotten the abortion like he’d asked.

Which was why all I could do was stare when  Rhett (with Jocelyn hovering over him) changed the baby’s diaper like he’d been doing it forever.

I was ordered to sit on the couch and  rest while Rhett held Mason as he  made his rounds around the  house talking with everyone—including an hour long private conversation he had with his Mom in the backyard. They always went off together and talked like that. I was pretty sure I was the topic of a lot of those conversations.

Or maybe I wasn’t.

At some point I fall asleep on Aubrey’s couch and I’m only woken up by Rhett pecking my cheek with kisses.

“Wake up, sleeping beauty,” he says standing up. “Time to go.”

I open my eyes slowly and  then remembering where I am bolt up and immediately search for Mason. I see Jocelyn putting him in his car seat  as the wind is knocked out of me by Rhett picking me up and throwing me over his shoulder.

“Put me down--,” I warn him.

“You’re pretty hot. I’m takin’ you home with me,” Rhett says, slapping my ass.

“Rhett--,”

He runs with me over his shoulder outside to the front yard and runs in a circle laughing before finally putting me down.  I’m dizzy and I playfully shove him, but he catches my wrist and brings me into a kiss.

“We make pretty babies,” he grins. “Can we make another one tonight ?”

 “Are you drunk ?,” I ask him walking towards where Jocelyn is putting Mason in our car.

“I better not be,” he says. “I’m not supposed to drink while  in training…which is why I can’t hang around here anymore.”

I looked at my watch, it was only 7:00PM, usually Rhett stayed out until 1 AM with Deacon and Wil.

We drive to Jocelyn’s house to get my things before heading back to the apartment.  I put Mason in a wrap on my chest and started taking the small things to the car while Rhett moved the stroller and bassinet. I was making up the bed I'd been sleeping on in Rhett’s room when I heard barking from outside.

I slowly walked to the living room and peeked out the front door to see Cody and his dog Beau walking towards the car. Cody had his hands deep in his pockets and was looking down. Rhett pretended to be really intent in putting my suitcase in the car.

 “Hey, man.” Cody said and then spotting me at the door waved a finger to Mason. “Hey,  little man.”

Rhett turned and opened his hand to Cody. They slap hands and hug.

“You alright ?,” Rhett said

Cody nodded.

I watch them as they silently pack the rest of the car together. I thank Cody and say goodbye to him before we drive off. Rhett doesn’t say a word.

 

***

-4-

“Your tits are huge,” Rhett says with a wry smile.

“Rhett,” I say in an exasperated tone as he raises a suggestive eyebrow at me. I'd never seen him do that and it made me laugh.

We were in bed. Once everything was inside he’d immediately stripped to his underwear and laid out on the bed, stretching his body across the mattress and mumbling something about sleeping in a twin bed.

I pressed my hand on his bare abdomen. He’d always been in good shape but now he looked like something out of a fitness magazine. The muscles in his stomach were starting to show through his skin.

“You’re like a superhero,” I tell him.

He laughed and I feel the air moving through his hard stomach.

“Can we fuck around ?,” he asked rolling, lazily towards me, burying his head in my lap.

I had been considering this. I knew it would come up. It’d been a little over month since the delivery and my body had mostly healed from all the shock, but I still felt apprehensive

“I’m scared…I’m think it might be different ,” I admit. “ I have a scar--”

“Ouch,” he says softly. “Can I see it ?,”

Before I can respond he slides down in the bed and lifts up my nightdress. I jump a little when I feel his cold hands on me.

“I see it…it’s so small,” he says. “Does it hurt ?,”

“No--,”

 “Too bad. I'm going to kiss and make it better.”

 

 

 

 

 

***

-5-

I wake up hours later to the sound of Mason screaming. That’s how I always thought of it when he made the long loud wailing crying sound. Screaming. He was supposed to be in the nursery I’d worked so hard to put together with Dad’s money, but it sounded like he was right next to me.

I brush my hair out of my sleepy eyes and turn to see Mason lying on his stomach on the bed, just inches from my face. He’s turned a shade close to pink and his arms make tiny movements. I sit up quickly and pull him into my arms.

Rhett is dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt and sitting cross legged on the bed annotating a text book with a blue pen and a reading light.

“Rhett, newborns can’t sleep on their stomachs or  they die,” I tell him as tears start falling from my eyes. “You almost killed him--”

He jolts out of his reading at the sound of my voice and then stares at me before talking.

“Sorry, I thought they had to be on their stomachs so they don’t choke or something,” he responds calmly, reaching over to wipe my tears. “My bad.”

“No, I read about it in a pamphlet at the doctor’s office…sometimes infants just die.” I explain but he doesn’t seem phased by his mistake. It makes me angry. “They just die, Rhett. They die in their sleep--,”

“Okay, I’m sorry.” he says. “But he wasn’t sleep anyway. He was awake just staring at the ceiling so  I thought we'd hang out since I was studying,”

“Aren’t you supposed to be on break ?,” I ask shrugging off the sleeve of my nightgown.

Rhett laughs at this.

“Nope. No such thing as a real break during training,” he says. “I have to be up on this whole new set of protocols for a test when I get back…I also still need to go to the New Orleans base and get a workout in.”

“Why can’t you use the gym and pool downstairs ?,” I ask stroking Mason’s face until he latched to me.

“The pool on base is Olympic sized,” he explains. “You can come with me though. Meet some of the guys I used to work with.”

“What about the baby ?,” I remind him.

“I was takin’ him with me to the gym anyway,” Rhett grins. “Did you see him struggling to lie on the bed ? He can’t even hold his own damn  head up,”

“He’s grown up a lot,” I tell Rhett. “He’s so much bigger than when  he was first born and if you put your finger near his hand he reaches to grips it.”

Rhett laughs at this and goes back to his book. A strong emotion I can’t identify overtakes me. It was something like peacefulness but mixed with fear with how fragile this moment was.  Being with Rhett like this wasn’t our life yet, it was still just a special day.

“I love you, Rhett,” I tell him.

Rhett looks up from his book to stare at me.“What do you want, girl ?”

“Nothing--”

“You never say that to me--,”

“I feel like I say it all the time--,”

“Yeah, on the phone when I’m away,” he says.  “But when we're together like normal you never say it to me.”

I know he is partially joking with me, but it stings. I still wasn’t used to all the affection he gave and expected back.

 “This time last year I was driven to an airport by a Florida Department of Correction van and bought a ticket to Connecticut with money I got from cleaning toilets for three years,” I remind him. “I was sleeping on a mattress that folded up and I felt… so lost. I hadn’t seen  you in three and a half years and now fast forward less than a year later…and we’re a little family.”

He smiles at me and I feel stupid for bringing it up. He kisses me again and I close my eyes.

“I love you, too,” he says

***

-6-

Rhett only had 48 hours of leave and he’d made sure each hour was planned out. We dressed and drove to Mississippi to have breakfast with Mrs. Sullivan, Rhett’s grandmother who always seemed to both dismiss me, but also be very interested in me having another baby.

Then he took Savannah to get her learner’s permit while Mason and  I worked in Jocelyn’s salon logging expenses, ordering supplies and mailing  prom hair coupons.

 It was a slow day; Brooke had one client and Aubrey was trying out a new hair dye on Macy’s hair while her client’s roller set was under the dryer. Jocelyn had pulled me into her chair and started trimming my hair.

Late in the afternoon the doors of the salon opened to a scream as Savannah charged in  and  jumped up and down in front of Jocelyn’s chair. Rhett followed a few minutes behind her.

“I got it !,” Savannah shrieked holding up her learner’s permit. “This time next year I can drive myself to prom!”

“You can’t go to prom as a sophomore,” Rhett tells her.

“Caleb will be a junior so I can go with him,” she reminds him. Savannah giddily holds her hands out to me and I let her take Mason.  She starts baby talking excitedly to him.

“ Caleb is  still a thing ?,” Rhett asks

I catch Jocelyn nodding in the mirror.

“Oh, please Rhett,” Savannah says. “You like him too. Admit it.”

“Yeah, he’s dreamy,” Rhett says sarcastically.

He comes over to me and goes to kiss me on the lips and I turn slightly so he lands on my cheek. I still wasn’t comfortable showing that much affection in front of his family.

“I’m glad you’re in the chair,” Rhett says to me

“I know it looks terrible,” I said running my hands through my hair. “It’s  hard to take care of long, I think I should just cut it again--,”

 “No, it’s not that,” he said. “I got a call from Cody that a few people are going out tonight to hear a band at this club in the city. I figured it would be fun if we went too…I could use a night out.”

“Four months,” Aubrey says from where she stood by her chair. “I think that seriously has to be a new record for a Cody- Rhett break up,”

“You’re so glad my Mama is here,” Rhett says but still flicks her off when Jocelyn looks away.

Aubrey laughs .

“I can’t go,” I remind Rhett. “Someone has to watch the baby--”

“I can do it,” Jocelyn says suddenly plugging in a blow dryer. “I’ll reschedule my clients--,”

“I can’t ask you to do that,” I tell her. “You barely get a day off--”

“I want to do it,” she tells me. “And you know why ?”

“Oh, here we go,” Macy rolls her eyes.

Macy's auburn highlights had been done a half hour ago, but she’d stuck around in the chair talking to Jocelyn.

“Hush,” Jocelyn said to her sister. “Juliana, when I was a little older than you Macy was having her 18^th birthday in a hotel suite. Charlie had his little folk band then and they were going to play it.  I really wanted to go to the party but my mother--”

“Bless her heart,” Macy laughs.

“Refused to watch Rhett for me,” Jocelyn finished. “She said it was my duty as my husband’s helpmate  to sit home and be a mother. I was an adult but Daddy actually forbade me and made me feel guilty for even asking…. I told myself I’d never do that to my kids. So, I want you to go and have fun and I’m doing your hair.”

 “Thank you,” Is all I can say, but I’m terrified.

I didn’t feel like being social and I wasn’t used to just leaving Mason. He seemed to like taking bottles, but if he changed his mind he would be starving while I was sitting at a bar.

“Rhett, honey, why don’t you pack him a little overnight bag and I’ll take him when I leave the salon.”

“Overnight ?,” I say

The longest I had been away from him since he was born was 2 and a half  hours and that was to get Rhett room the airport yesterday. I want to protest this, but before I can say anything Rhett is out the door and Jocelyn’s has started up her dryer.

She sprays something in it, blows out my hair and  cut layers into it. For the most part is looks the same, but it is very soft.  When Rhett comes back he not only has an overnight bag for the baby, but a garment bag with a change of clothes for me. When I unzip it I see the purple dress I’d bought in Miami and my wedding heels

“Not this dress--,”  I say

“Come on, J,” Rhett says with a hint of annoyance. “It’s pretty and I want to see you in it,”

“It’s gorgeous,” Aubrey says and starts digging through her giant purse. “I think I have an eyeshadow pallet that matches that.”

I let her dab my face with her brushes for a few minutes before I go in the back to change into the dress.. I’d been so thin when I brought the dress that I was surprised I could get into it, but I'd been breastfeeding so I could lose the weight quicker. The skirt part of the dress was forgiving, but the top part put my breasts on full display.

“Happy ?,” I asked Rhett when I stepped out.

He was leaning against the wall and his eyes swept over me multiple times and a small smirk spread on his face.

“Nah,” he said walking towards  me.

“No ?,”

“No,” he repeated. “Not until I show you off a little.”

---

“It’s been an hour,” I tell Rhett when he walks up the bleachers, raking a hand over his wet hair.

The doctor told me my hormones would be all over the place for a while and I guess they were still reorganizing. It took all my will to ignore the tight swim trunks he wore and how his heavy breathing only made his muscles stand out more. My brain was annoyed with Rhett but my body seemed to have other plans.

When Mason took his nap this morning we'd had a two hour make out session in bed, but it hadn't gone farther than that. I regretted that now.

We’d left the salon and came to the New Orleans Naval Base two hours ago. Rhett said he was going to get a 20 minute workout in and then we would go to the restaurant to meet Cody and the others. I’d already felt ridiculous coming here all dressed up, but sitting in the bleachers for an hour watching him swim laps had put me on edge.

“I know. I  had to get my time down,” he explained and gestured to the tan, dark haired man walking up behind him.

“Juliana, this is my friend Athens,” Rhett introduces me.

 “It’s actually Dorian Xanthopoulos,” he says giving me a slight nod and smile. “But no one in bootcamp could pronounce it right so I go by Athens.”

“He’s coming with us tonight,” Rhett tells me. “He’s leading a five month volunteer mission to Guantanamo next week with the reservists so I’m going to help him get this idiot laid tonight.”

Athens just laughs at this.

“Congratulations on the baby,” he tells me and I suddenly don’t know how to respond to him. I just smile and Rhett claps his hand on Athen’s back.

“Let’s go get dressed,” Rhett says.

Barely 20 minutes later Rhett comes out of the locker room in dark jeans and a striped button up with a gym bag thrown over his shoulder. His shorter hair looked completely dry, but when he walks up to me and brings me close I could stills see it was slightly damp in places.

“Are you okay ?,” he asked. He smelled clean and masculine—like baby powder, deodorant and aftershave. It’s only when he gave me a small kiss I could taste the faint chlorine of the pool.

“Yes,” I said. “I’m sorry—Athens seems nice. I’m just…not used to being around other people,” I explain.

He nods and I could see some disappointment in his eyes.

“…Do you want to go home ?,” He asks.

“No,” I say quickly. “I mean, let’s see how dinner goes.”

***

-7-

The restaurant they’d chosen was in what was once a mansion just outside of downtown New Orleans. It was so different from the sleek and futuristic concept of the Miami restaurants. The brick walls and tall chandeliers gave the large dining room a warm glow.

The moment we step in all I can think about is Mason all alone and crying for me. I didn’t think Rhett packed the monitor and if Jocelyn gets tired she’d put him in the bassinet and it would collapse and she wouldn’t hear it.

I stop walking and take Rhett’s shoulder.

“We have to go back, your mom doesn’t have the monitors.” I tell him

He looks at me confused and then  his face softens.

“Yes, she does I gave them to her,” Rhett says to me quietly.

“Rhett, don’t lie to me--,”

“I’m not, J. I swear,” he says taking my hand and pulling me towards the back of the restaurant.

We walk  towards a long table in the back and I  recognize some of the faces—Cody, Brooke, Amber, Carleigh, and a few guys I’d met in passing.

Brooke pops up from where she is sitting and comes over to hug Rhett. She’s wearing a black dress that fits her like a glove and white heels that make her tanned legs look like they go on forever. Brooke pulls away from Rhett and hugs me briefly before nodding shyly to Athens.

“Athens, this is my friend Brooke,” Rhett says.

“Hi,” he said.

She just smiles at him and then Brooke takes my hand.

“Nice to meet you. Come on, we’re about to order appetizers,”

Brooke leads me to a seat next to her at the end of the table. It seemed like the guys and the girls had decided to separate.   I watch  quietly as Rhett walks around the table hugging everyone.

“You look so gorgeous,” Brooke says to me sliding her hand over my dress. “I can’t even tell you had a baby,”

“Thanks,” I say

“This is my little sorority sister Becca,” Amber says gesturing the blonde next to her.

“I’m only one year younger than ya'll !,” Becca says.

 “She goes to LSU,” Amber continued and pointed to a girl on the end with wavy hair. “And that is our friend Lea--,she’s getting a Master’s at Ole Miss, so you probably haven’t met her.”

“I still can’t believe Rhett Clark is married and  a daddy,” Lea says. “I’d never guess he’d be the first of us--,”

“Hey, what about Cayden ?,” Brooke says loudly.

“Well, yeah…,” Amber says. “But since you had him junior year it’s like he’s always been apart of our group,”

Amber pours the last of a bottle of wine into a goblet sized glass and swiftly reaches for another bottle to fill the glass to the top.

“I took this wine  from my Dad’s collection,” Amber tells me. “I paid the uncorking fees so we can pregame as much as we want and it’s way cheaper.”

“Oh, I can’t drink,” I remind her. “I’m breastfeeding--,”

“Ugh, I could not breast feed,” Brooke says. “It hurt like a bitch--,"

 “No gross baby talk,” Carleigh says and then looks at me. “Sorry, but Brooke can get really graphic.”

“Well, I’m really glad you came tonight,” Amber says to me. “Reverend Ellis told me you needed friends and I meant to ask you out but I got busy--,”

“You know Reverend Ellis ?,” I ask.

“Yeah, Ms. Clark introduced us. I’m the new assistant children’s choir director,” she says. “I figured I should put my music degree to use since I’m not using it temping at Daddy’s firm.”

I felt foolish knowing Rev. Ellis was telling people I needed more friends and a little annoyed that Amber had brought it up so publicly. I glance over to the other side of the table and I see Rhett, Cody, Athens and another boy in a deep conversation. Rhett looked happy and at ease in a way I hadn’t seen in a while

I sat back as the other girls talked and caught up with each other. I was mostly interested in Brooke, who was usually so intense and ,aside from the occasional quick quip, was quiet when she was working at the salon. Outside of the salon and around her friends she was loud and talkative. Maybe it was all the wine that they drank like water.

When the dessert finally comes Brooke leans in close to the table.

“Okay, ya’ll what’s the game plan  at the club ?,” Brooke whispers

“What is always is….Dance your ass off, but don’t go home with a redneck. What do you mean ?,” Carleigh asks.

“I mean with that Athens guy,” Brooke clarifies.

“Hey, how do you know Rhett didn’t bring him to meet one of us?,” Becca says gesturing to the other girls.

“Y’all are all literally former pageant queens with great educations. You can meet anyone," Brooke says. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to meet guys as a single mom of a 5-year-old ? Besides Rhett said he already told Athens about Cayden and he didn’t freak--,”

“You don’t need a game plan then,” Amber slurs. “He's into you. All all you do a little foreplay, a little grinding on the dance floor and then you just take him to your car and--,”

Amber grabbed the neck of one of the wine bottles and ran her hand up and down in a suggestive motion. She was clearly drunk and the other girls started laughing

“Ugh, what am I 15 ?,” Brooke says shaking with laughter and taking hold of the bottle. “Should I be like, ‘hey so I heard you were going to fucking Cuba so here is a goodbye handjob.’ ”

Brooke starts making the same hand gesture that Amber was and they burst into giggles.

“Hey, ya’ll talking about the size of Rhett’s dick over there,” Cody shouts from the other side of the table.

“Shut up,” Rhett says to Cody in a joking tone and covers Cody’s grin with his hard.

“We weren’t talking about Rhett or you for that matter, Cody” Brooke says and makes a quick glance at Athens, who bites his lip.

“Yeah. Girls don’t talk that way, douchebag,” Amber adds loudly and turns to me. “I swear to god I don’t know how you’re going to deal with him the rest of your life.”

“He’s not bad--,”

“Cody only treats you like that because he likes you,” Becca tells Amber.

---

-8-

We finish dessert and the check comes quickly. As we head for the door, Rhett takes  my hand.  Brooke puts her hand on Athen’s back and walks slowly next to him.

“I ate too much, can you carry me to the car ?,” she asks him in a voice between sultry and whiny.

Athens laughs and doesn’t hesitate as Brooke jumps onto his back, her spiky heels coming together in front of his chest.

“How am I always left riding solo ?,” Cody asks watching them and then calls to the other girls. "Ladies ?,"

“It's cause you’re an asshole,” Rhett tells him matter-of-factly.

“You’re an asshole too,” Cody says.

“Well, I’m an asshole with a job,” Rhett says

“And your very own harem apparently,” Cody adds.

“Oh my god, Cody you love drama like a fuckin girl--,” Amber rolls her eyes and shoves him.

“So, what ? ," Cody balks. "We’re just going to ignore that all ya’ll  have sucked Rhett Clark’s dick ?”

The group goes silent except for the clicking of the other girls heels and I can feel all their eyes on me, but I just keep concentrating on walking and holding Rhett’s hand.

“I, for one, have not sucked Clark’s dick,” Athens says to lighten the mood.

Brooke laughs and then has to stop so she doesn't throw up.

“Alright just for that dumbass comment you’re driving all the girls,” Rhett says.

“Someone was gonna say it,” Cody says as we reach the parking lot.

“Shut up,” Rhett says. “And drive carefully.”

Rhett opens the car door for me and helps me inside our car before getting in the driver’s seat. We drive quietly at first and then it takes a while for me to sort all the jumbled conversations out..

 “Hey,” Rhett says in the silence. “Do you wanna use my cell to call the house--”

“You slept with all those girls ?,” I ask him.

“Those girls ?,” He says with a little laugh. “They’re my friends and they want to be your friend--,”

“But you slept with all of them ?,” I ask.

He’s silent.

“Like all five of them ? Even Brooke who I see at the salon all the time ?,”

He goes for the car radio, but I pull his hand away.

“Why didn’t you tell me ?”

“I don’t like this jealousy bullshit--,” he says through his teeth.

“It’s not jealous,” I tell him. “I’m humiliated because they all knew--,”

“J, I had a life before you--.”

 “But there were five of them. Five!”

“Fine.” he says, his voice raising. “I used to hook up with a lot of girls. I lost my virginity when I was, what ? 15 , maybe ? And I’ve been with maybe 20 different girls  and a few drunken blow jobs but I bet that’s still less than the numbers of dicks you've sucked for money.”

His tone made my face grow hot and  his words stung me.

“Turn the car around,” I say. “I want to go home.”

“No,” he says.

“You do this all the time,” I tell him. “You keep things from me and make me look stupid when I don’t know. You didn’t even tell me about what happened with your Dad.”

This makes him pause, no comeback.

“That wasn’t about you,” he shouts. “Everything ain’t about you--”

“Right. Because it’s about you,”  I say, and suddenly I’m shouting too. “I don't know why you hate Freeport so much. You are the center of the universe here. All anyone talks about around here is you. Everything is always about you--”

“Fuck that,” he says. “Don’t you dare  put on the waterworks and make me the bad guy. I had to change my whole life for you---

“You did not. Not at all.” I argue. “Take me home, Rhett.  I don’t care if you want to go back and meet them, just take me home.”

He bangs his hand against the steering wheel but continues towards the city.

“Didn’t you tell me this is how it ended with that loser  you fucked around with in Miami ? You got jealous of other girls ? Guess what, J, not everyone grew up  on a fucking commune.”

“It’s not about that,” I lie. “Just take me home,”

“No,” he says. “I’m not driving all the way back to Freeport just for you to be bitchy to me.”

“Rhett I want to see my baby.”

“No,”

“Take me home,” I repeat. I repeat it for the next 10 minutes, but he ignores me.

When we get to the parking garage of the Beach on Bourbon dance club  I don’t leave the car.

“Get out of the car,” he says through gritted teeth, walking around the car to open the passenger door for me.

“Take me home,” I say.

I can hear the clatter of heels as the rest of our party walks around the parking lot. They were all slightly drunk and didn’t seem to notice anything was wrong with us.

“Come on, ya’ll,” Amber shouts over to us and starts rubbing herself against a pillar in the parking lot.

“We’ll leave after an hour,” Rhett whispers to me.

“Take me home--”

“Damn, you really want us to have our first public fight don’t you ?”

“No, I want to go home”

“I work like a dog everyday and I want to have fun with my friends on my one day off. Do you really have to pick tonight to prove some kind of point--,”

“Just take me back,” I repeat

He shakes his head and then undoes my seatbelt. He grabs me around the waist and tries to pull me out of the car. I start screaming and  I dig my fingernails into his arm. He let’s go immediately.

“Fine,” he says in a biting tone that scared me more than his shouting.

 He slams my car door shut and I watch him have a conversation with his friends before they part ways—they head for the club and he walks back to the car.

I don’t dare say a word as he drives well over the speed limit back to Freeport. He tells Jocelyn there’d been a change in plans and we take Mason home.

When we get inside I go straight to the nursery. I don’t know why but for some reason I’m scared of Rhett. I know he won’t hurt me, but my instinct to run had come back during the entire car ride here.

I sit in the rocking chair, rocking Mason quietly while he slept. I kind of hoped he’d wake up and spit up on the stupid purple dress. But he was growing up and had started to sleep through the night.

He was changing so much everyday.

An hour later I hear the nursery door open and Rhett come inside and stands over me. He’s still dressed and I half expect him to tell me he is going back out but he just stares at us.

“I want to go see my dad,” I tell Rhett, keeping my eyes on Mason.

“Right. Always running home to Daddy when things get tough because he hates your big bad husband,” Rhett says in a mocking tone.

“No,” I say. “He needs to see the baby…he’s growing up so fast--”

“Daniel Reese knows where we live--,”

“He won’t come,” I tell him. “He has his reasons and I respect them. Please can we go visit ?”

“We ?”

“I don’t think I can do it alone,” I admit. “Traveling with a baby. Can you make time ?,”

He doesn’t answer right away. He  kneels down and kisses Mason on the head.

“You have to apologize to me for tonight first,” he said

I frown.

“You first,” I say. “I didn’t do anything,”

“You got all jealous over nothing and then practically threw a tantrum in the parking garage in front of our friends,” he says.

I don’t say anything. I don’t want to fight again. 

After a few minutes of silence Rhett stands up and walks out of the room.

-----

A/N
Wooo, that was a long one ! I’m actually kept up at night figuring out how they paid the bill at the restaurant.

So, section -4- was mostly an unnecessary fluff scene and you guys I really hate the word tits, so it was so weird that I used it in a scene and then Lile also used it in a scene. Both of which had allusions to breastfeeding and then sex. Although I can 100% tell you none of my characters have a lactation fetish.....well, Maxwell might think about it though.....