Rhett

-1-

I wasn’t supposed to still be sitting at the bar.

Not again.

I was supposed to be just having one quick beer.

But that phone call had done it.

“Ain’t it a little early for all that ?,” Siobhan Keller, the pretty redheaded bartender at Roosters asks me when I order another drink.

It was 10AM on a Saturday.

They were only open this early because the owner thought they could attract more customers by serving mimosa pitchers to groups of bored housewives. The idea seemed to be failing because the usual crowd of pathetic assholes were the only ones here.

Me included, I guess.

“You don’t know the phone call I just took,” I tell her.

She makes my drink and doesn’t ask me any questions which I was always kind of grateful for.

I was going on four weeks of forced leave, but I got ordered to go to  base this morning to talk to my counsel. They'd forced me to write a letter of apology to Mr. Reese and my superiors. The letter was mostly bullshit they'd spoonfed me,  but they said showing remorse would help me plead my case for getting my assignment back.

It wasn’t that I wasn’t remorseful for the things I'd thought and done in UL. It’s just that I hadn’t actually done anything that bad. I didn't kill anyone.

When I left base after my counsel appointment I’d decided to stop in Rooster’s for a quick beer and a few minutes of peace before going back home. I'd been about to leave the bar when my phone rang and a Connecticut area code showed up on my screen.

I walked outside because reception was shit inside and when I picked up the phone I didn’t even bother greeting him.

“Mr. Clark ?,” Mr. Reese said.

“What,” I said trying to keep my cool and not go off on him. Who did he think he was to implode my entire career  with private letters I’d written to his daughter almost five fucking years ago ?

“I got your apology letter--,”

“I don’t mean a god damn word of it. Not to you,” I tell him, sounding every bit the apathetic teenager he thought  I was.

“I know.” 

“What do you want ?,” I ask him.

“I want you to know why I went to your superiors--”

“I already know,” I tell him.  “You hate me for marrying your daughter--,”

 I'm actually impressed I don't say fucking your daughter just to get a rise out of him.

“I wouldn't say that--”

“I would.”

“Mr. Clark, I knew—and still know lots of good ol’ boys like you--”

“Excuse me--”

“Young, social savvy and accomplished boys who think they can do whatever they want and get away with it. You quite literally stood next to a man who committed atrocities and have never once been held accountable for it. I’ve accepted that I can’t stop the obsession my daughter has with you but I’m sure as hell not letting my tax dollars go to someone like you being rewarded. I think you should be dishonorably discharged and I’ll put it in writing as a response to your apology--”

“What the hell is wrong with you ?,”  I'd shouted into the phone. “Do you really think my whole life should be about a decision I made when I was 19-years-old ? I was stupid and naive, I didn’t understand the world. I'd barely ever left my hometown. I didn't know--”

“Juliana was  in the exact same position and she spent three years in jail for her naivete. Her felony is going to follow her for the rest of her life. If she has to suffer I think you can too.”

“This is such bullshit and you know it,” I tell him. “You’ve know where I’ve been but you never said a word until we got married.”

“I admit…I wasn’t paying attention then.”

“I hope you know I'm burning through all my leave and I'll be on leave without pay pretty soon. If this keeps up I hope you know this could affect your grandson.”

“Don’t give me that,” Mr. Reese said. “You’re young and educated, you can get another job. This is what I mean by you being entitled. You think you deserve everything you want. I’ve been out of the workforce for 30 years and have figured out how to support a child--"

“I’m done being nice,” I told him and then I snapped.. “I get it. You’re rubbing my face in my own shit. You’ve ruined my life. Fuck you.”

“Unbelievable. Juliana is a smart girl. She’ll leave,” he told me with such confidence. “She will”

I hung up on him.

I was furious.

That son of a bitch loved to throw salt in my wounds. I'd stormed back inside the bar and ordered a real drink

The bottom shelf whiskey tastes like shit but I swallow it quickly and drive back home with not nearly enough buzz. When I get to the house I open the glove compartment and take out one of the little Happy Meal toys Juliana hid in there.

I walk in the house and put the Happy Meal toy on Mason’s empty bed and then walk back into the living room. I sit on the sofa and watch Juliana in the bathroom, navigating her hair into the small bun at the back of her neck while Mason kept trying to jump on her.

I really had to get around to putting the door back on the bathroom. 

A few days ago I’d woken up a midnight to Juliana looking longingly at her supplies from her few weeks in beauty school. 

When I woke up again in the morning she was crying, her hair was cut to her chin and streaky white-blonde. Mama had come over to fix it up a little bit and now it looked eerily like it did in Brad’s videos. I’d asked her why she’d done it and she just shrugged it off.

She dabs an astringent on her bare face before closing the medicine cabinet, looking down at Mason and running her hairbrush through his dark hair.

“Guess what? Daddy bought you a present,” she smiles at him.

I want to vent to her about how pissed I am at her Dad but I decide to let it go and  play along for all our sanity. I lean against the door of the bathroom and hold my hand out to him.

“Come on, son it’s in your room,” I tell him. I try to pick him up, but he's hugging her legs now.

“No!,” Mason giggles because he’s smarter than she gives him credit for.

“I think it’s a puppy,” Juliana says. “Go tell me if Daddy got us a puppy.”

“No leave!” Mason tells her.

“Mama’s not going anywhere I promise,” I lie to him. “Come on, let’s go look and see what is on your bed.”

“Go see. I’ll be right here,” Juliana tells him.

He finally let’s go of her and starts running to his bedroom. I follow after him and he only looks at the Happy Meal toy I put on his bed for a second before turning around and running back into the living room.  

Juliana hadn’t been quick enough to leave and he catches her unlocking the front door. He starts screaming  and launches himself at her in tears at her betrayal.

“Damn it, Juliana,” I sigh as he goes under the long skirt of her dress and latches to her leg. She should have been out the door by now.

“I couldn’t find my purse,” she says, trying to shake him off.

“NO!,” Mason shouts. He comes out of her skirt and starts climbing up her, practically pulling down the  dress she was wearing.

It had been like this ever since she came back home from Connecticut. If Juliana ever left the house  to so much as get the mail he would throw a fit unless he could go with her. He wouldn’t go to sleep unless she was in bed with him.

“Honey, I promise I’m coming right back, okay? ,” Juliana tells him. “I’ll be back in 3 hours, okay ? Please let go.”

She tries to reason with him for a full five minutes but he’s screaming at her too hard to hear. She searches for a full minute through her purse before taking out a lollipop.

“Look. Do you want this ?,” she asks him and the candy gets his attention. “If you stop crying you can have it, okay ?”

“Pick up,” he tells her, lifting his arms up and standing on her feet..

“No more crying, okay ?,” she says.

“Pick up,” he tells her again.

“Okay. If I pick you up and give you this candy will you be good and let Daddy watch you ?,” she asks. "Okay ?"

"Okay!," he agrees, the crocodile tears suddenly gone

She picks him up and he takes the candy from her.  She sits on the couch with him on her lap, stroking his face  until his eyes are dry.  When he seems calm she gives me a ‘get ready’  look and makes to stand up, but he hugs her and buries his head in her chest.

“Okay, come on, Mason,  you said you'd be good. I promise we’re going to have fun,” I tell him and pick him up off her lap.

In less than a second he goes from totally calm to complete meltdown. His face turns red and he starts screaming the minute I touch him. I’m afraid I’m hurting him, but I’m able to wrestle him off her lap and Juliana runs for the door.

When he sees her at the door he starts kicking my stomach and slapping at my face. I try to hold him back but he starts thrashing his entire body against me. He sinks his teeth into my arm and the pain is so surprising I drop him.  He runs over to her and  dissapears under her dress again.

“Fuck," I curse looking at my arm. As far as I knew he'd never bitten anyone before but he'd managed to break my skin. "Damn it, Juliana  just take him with you."

“I’m going to be late if I have to take him,” she retorts even though we both know she doesn’t even want to go where she’s going.

“What else is new ?,” I snap back and then feel like an asshole.

She makes an exasperated sigh and picks Mason up. It takes her 30 minutes to get him dressed and ready to leave. I try to help her but she tells me I'm messing everything up. When they finally leave she doesn’t even bother to give me a kiss let alone a second look.

Fuck, I needed another drink.

Since I went off to the Coast Guard Academy at 19 a large part of my world has revolved around my career and my duties to the Coast Guard. The minute I was put on leave that world had unraveled. I’d thought spending more time with my family would be the only good part of my probation, but it was one of the worst.  I never realized how militant and regimented my life had been until I was spending all day in a house run by a toddler.

2-

I hated being in the house alone so I take a 3 mile run to Deacon’s new trailer. When I get to the newly built trailer park, Choctaw II,  I see Wil’s van is parked out front and smell the cigarette smoke coming from the trailer's open windows.

“Hey,” I shout into the open window.

Deacon comes to the window and when he sees me he opens the front door with a concerned look on his face. Deacon, Mama and Aunt Macy were the only ones who knew the truth of why  I was put on probation because they were also the only ones who knew I was in United Light. I told everyone else the reason I wasn’t working was confidential, but I knew most of them thought it had to do with the videos of Juliana.

I walk into the trailer and my running shoes squeak against the faux wood floor. He bought the new trailer with Katrina money and it was much nicer than the one he had before, hell it was nicer than my house. He’d upgraded to two bedrooms even though I’d never known Deacon to have guests he didn’t share his bed with.

I get a water bottle from his fridge and pour some Johnnie Walker  into a plastic cup before sitting on the fold out chair across from Wil. Wil’s got a stack of revolvers and a full ash tray on the coffee table in front of him. I notice the glass pipe under the couch.

“A little early for that, cousin?,” Wil says looking at my drink.

“How’s the baby?,” I change the subject.

Aubrey had given birth to Noah Presley three months ago and Wil promptly had a vasectomy.  He told me I should get one too. If I didn’t bitch out about it I was planning to do it one day. But I wanted Mason to be an older brother. A much older brother like me. Like 8-12 years older.

“He's got Colic. Poor thing, I ain't never heard a baby cry so much. Aubrey and the brats are at her grandparents for the weekend,” he says running a rag through the chamber.

I knew both Aubrey and Wil had been stressed with the surprise 4th kid. They hadn’t thrown a party at their property in months.

“She goin' take the baby up to see Ed?,” Deacon asks lighting a cigarette.

“I don’t know,” Wil sighs uncomfortably at the mention of Aubrey's Dad. “I mean…he’d probably just want to see em’ all and they startin’ to ask questions now, you know ?  Shit, I think Sammy’s figured it out.I don’t think they supervise the kids on these damn computers in school.”

“Sam's almost 12, right ? He's about to be a man, You gotta tell him the whole story at some point,” Deacon tells him.

“I know, but Imma let ‘Bree decide that. It’s her thing to tell not mine," Wil shrugs.

I suddenly feel stupid for wanting to tell them about my annoying father-in-law. Wil had never met Uncle Ed, Aubrey's Dad, but he was furious at what he'd put her through when he killed her Mom. It had been violent and he never plead guilty because he couldn't come to terms with what he'd done. Before then Uncle Ed had been a pretty hard guy, but I remembered thinking he was funny because he could never sit still and liked to run around like a kid. I  later realized that was just the cocaine.

They change the subject and I sit in the background, enjoying the free liquor as Wil sells a rifle to Deacon  and then they start talking about their jobs. They worked for themselves now but they both held a lot of shitty jobs in the past and if I got  my dismissal from the Coast Guard I knew I’d be working one of those shitty jobs too.

When I go to top off my drink off Deacon cuts me off.

“Getting in trouble at your job is no reason to become an alcoholic, boy,” Deacon says

“I’m not an alcoholic,” I tell him, filling the cup out with ice and Coke. “If I was an alcoholic I’d be doing this alone in my house. I’m just trying to get through the fucking day--”

“Get through the day ?,” Wil laughs. “You’re young, you have an education, a free house and every man in town knows your girl like to swallow--”

"Just because I'm young doesn't mean my problem sucks less.” I snap.

They just laugh

“Yes it does. You don’t realize how little a few days of forced leave is going to matter to you in a 10 or 20 years,” Deacon tells me. “Just pretend like you’re on vacation, nephew. Hell, take a vacation. Leave the kid with Joss and take your girl down to the beach or something.”

“I can’t, I could get called back in any minute,” I remind him.

My problems had never seemed to matter to them, which is why I didn’t usually drag them into it.

“I've  been getting the 5^th degree from public affairs, my father-in-law is insane  and as much as I love her…. Juliana and I aren’t meant to be together this much. We’re driving each other batshit crazy.”

“Don’t tell me she’s drinking now too,” Deacon says.

“No,” I say quickly. "She's not drinking,"

"Ya'll should work on that house," Wil says. "It's got a lot of extra land, you could add a second floor."

"Why the hell would I do that ? We're not staying in that house that long."

"I'm just sayin'," Wil says. "I could help...you could learn a job skill."

"I have skills,"  I remind him.

The back of Deacon's hand makes contact with the back of my neck.

"Hey--"

"Stop being such  a fucking smartass."

***

Juliana

-3-

Amber Cunningham and her mother had identical hands-over-the-mouth-I-just-won-Miss-America crying expressions on as Amber strikes a pose and  twirls around in the white ball gown.

"So gorgeous," Savannah sighs

“Aww, I can’t wait to do this,” I hear Jocelyn whisper to Savannah.

Amber looked like a princess from a fairytale in the puffed out white ball gown. She'd looked like a fairytale princess in all of the other gowns too: the cream one, the tight lace one, the silky one, the corset one.

I wonder if all the bridesmaids were feeling a small pang of jealousy as we were forced to watch Amber try on thousand dollar dress after thousand dollar dress. It was probably the only reason Amber required us to still be here. The other bridesmaids had been fitted for their dresses (I’d missed it because of Mason) 2 hours ago.

I’d never wanted to be in the Sullivan - Cunningham  wedding, but I also wanted to make friends with other women my age so I’d agreed. I hadn’t realized the type of commitment it was going to be with appointments nearly every weekend. I’d tried to get out of it by  cutting my hair so I couldn’t do the top bun Amber was requiring, but she’d cheerily told me they’d use extensions.

Rhett wasn’t in the wedding party and didn’t even want to attend. Every time I mentioned some bridesmaid commitment he’d make a crude joke. If he was in a good mood when we came back I imagined telling him about how the other bridesmaids had gone through six bottles of free champagne by dress number 9.

I couldn’t fit the stroller in the small dress boutique so Mason folded himself into my lap. He’d spent the first hour touching all the dresses and torturing Cayden, Brooke’s 6-year-old son, by chasing him around the store. He’d finally tired himself out enough to calm down.  

Amber finally picks her top three dresses and tells us she’ll come back to get the winner with Mrs. Cunningham and we’ll see her choice at the wedding. We then have to pose for some photos for the scrapbook  we had to make later.

“Okay, girls lunch is on Dad this afternoon,” Amber announces waving a credit card. “We can talk cake and flowers because I want to bring Brooke and at least one more of you to the cake tasting…,”

I know Rhett disliked Amber and West, but I couldn’t deny how happy she seemed. Whenever she talked about her wedding she turned into all bubbles and smiles.

We were in a new town center in an upper class New Orleans suburb to pick out the dress and Amber leads the way to a large retro looking diner that advertised award winning hushpuppies. She helps the waiters push together enough tables for the bride, the 8 bridesmaids, her mom and Jocelyn, who was being paid as a stylist since she’d be doing hair while Aubrey did makeup. Mason sits in Jocelyn’s lap as she takes out some coloring pages and crayons.

I’m grateful for the break, the clinging had been cute at first and I had rubbed it in Rhett’s face, but now it was annoying. Mason  seemed content, but when I get up to go to the bathroom he is intent on following me.

When the waiter comes I want to order the award winning hushpuppies they advertised but I  notice every single other woman orders a salad and I begrudgingly follow suit.  Most of the time it seemed like teenaged Savannah fit in more with Amber’s bridesmaids than I did.  They'd all somehow knew to wear similar outfits of tank tops or polo shirts with jeans and pearls.

Not that that was something I'd wear anyway. I'd gone back to doing everything possible to distract from my body. Because now it wasn't just my anxiety, I knew people were trying to see through my clothes. Still, it was odd how in sync they all were.

I’d started small talk with  one of Amber’s friends from her Dad’s firm, Tabitha. She seemed like friend material because  A). She was a last minute bridesmaid addition and hadn’t slept with my husband in high school and B). Didn’t seem to know about the videos. She had a daughter Mason’s age and I was hoping to set up time for them to play together.

The salad I ordered was nothing but a pile of spinach with grilled chicken.  I watch the other women gingerly put the smallest amount dressing on theirs while making comments about fitting into their dresses. I don’t know how much of it is joking and how much of it is real.

“These look so yummy, sweetie,” Jocelyn says to Mason cutting up the chicken fingers she’d ordered for him. They looked much more appetizing  than the salad. He picks up a piece of the chicken and after inspecting it drops it on the ground.

“That’s not what we do,” she scolds him and then gives me a disapproving look. She did that a lot lately.

“He's probably not hungry. He had lunch before we came here,” I lie.

He’d become such a picky eater that I was happy as long as he ate. We’d both just had pecan pie for breakfast.

After lunch they want to get manicures but I tell them I have to go. I stop by the park and let Mason run and play so that he falls asleep in his car seat. When we get home I know I should clean or do laundry but I’m tired.

Rhett is passed out on the bed in his underwear and I lie down next to him and start work on my knitting project. I’d finished the dozens of patches and was now putting them together.

“Can you please do that somewhere else, ? That ticking is driving me crazy,” Rhett asks me opening one eye.

The sudden sound of his voice makes me miss a loop, but I keep going  just so he doesn't think I stopped because of him.

“I brought you dinner,” I tell him referring to the the leftover food Mason wouldn't eat at the diner.

He closes his eyes as I keep crocheting

"How is the Cunt-ingham wedding planning going ?," he asks.

"That's awful." 

"Why ? I bet that fucking awful last name is half the reason she's marrying West,"

I crochet in silence and then I have to rip the loops out because my needle gets stuck. I finally get the needle out but the cheap yarn is all tangled. I put the patch aside and trace the dull end on the crochet hook in the small indents at Rhett's waist. The second he feels it, he snatches the needle and throws it across the room.

“Your Daddy called me to take a victory lap,” he tells me.

“You got fired, then ?,” I asked carefully

“No,” he says. “But he basically told me he won’t stop until I am.”

I’d told myself I wasn’t going to get between them anymore, but I was starting to feel like I had to.

“I can call him---”

“Don’t,” Rhett says. “I think it will make it worse. I’ve just decided I’m going to ignore him.”

I crawl across the bed and pick up the needle he threw and go back to putting the two new patches together. Rhett groans before getting out of bed and walking out the room.

When he doesn’t come back into the bedroom after an hour I peek out the bedroom door to see him asleep at the kitchen table, the Styrofoam takeout box  pushed to the side.

I duck back into the bedroom and walk as quietly as I can to the laptop he left open on his nightstand.

He kept a password on his account, and I’d been waiting for an opportunity like this. I take his open laptop and start clicking.

Ever since I saw that Rhett had paid for Brad’s website I wanted to know which videos Rhett had downloaded. I didn’t know if I should be hurt or flattered that he’d paid for those videos but I was curious.

I think a small part of the reason I’d so impulsively cut my hair is because I knew he’d found something attractive about those videos of me. I just wanted to see what.

Everything on his desktop is for work or  bills and he has it all labeled  neatly.  Except one folder that doesn't have a label. I click on it and see another blank folder that has five video files inside.  I click on the first one to see myself  passed out in a dress that was arranged so I was topless. My stomach turns because I don’t remember this video so I was probably really drugged.  I’d never seen one of Brad’s videos before and it made me sick remembering what I’d done for him. All I’d known about sex was that one part went into another. Brad had taught me everything else and taken advantage of me in the process.

The second video is of me making out with one of the other girls from the Penthouse who never spoke to me after the video, in the next three I’m giving strangers oral sex and it's shot from their point of view. I remembered we did those videos at the same time, the men tried to see who could make me choke harder.

I wondered if Rhett thought this was sexy. I’d never had to be sexy for Rhett, I’d never had to try at anything with him. I'd never even had oral sex with him.

But things were upside down. We were both in our personal hells—me being the town whore and him being this close to being fired. Shitty things weren’t supposed to happen to us at the same time.

I reach across the bed to my purse and take the travel box of tampons out of my bag and unwrap the only tampon inside. I shake out the spray bottle from the empty tampon applicator and close my eyes as I spray it into each nostril.

Cody had given me the little spray bottle of heroin with a laundry list of warnings.  I assured him I understood how terrible addiction was and that I just needed something to help my new medication along.

But now the bottle only has a few more sprays left in it and I already knew I needed to get some more.

 

***

Rhett

-4-

I’m woken up by my mother. She calls the house and when Juliana doesn't get up to pick up the phone I take it off the receiver without even looking at the caller ID.

“Since you weren’t at church this is your wake up call to be at Ramsey’s this afternoon,” she tells me before hanging up. No hello or goodbye.

I’d told my mother I didn't believe in God and had refused  to go church completely since the storm. Juliana has stopped going after the videos of her came out. Sometimes she played Sunday School with Mason and sometimes she just watched the televangelist. Not that any of that was met with approval from my mother’s side of the family. But Nana was always good for an I’ll-Be-Dead-Soon guilt trip so I knew I had to go atleast see her at dinner.

As usual Juliana had left me passed out somewhere that wasn't our bed. I’d fallen asleep at the kitchen table, I was hungover and my back felt like shit. I swallow a handful of ibuprofen and take a long, hot shower. Wrapping a towel around myself I notice for the first time the bedroom door is closed.

I turn the knob and it’s locked and I start to freak out.

Ever since she came back in town asshole teenagers had started coming to our house in the middle of the night to spy on Juliana. It was creepy, because they'd tap on the bedroom window. The first time I'd stupidly opened the blinds to see if it was a bird and a bunch of random kids caught a glimpse of my boner and her on the bed with her legs open.  She'd stopped letting me take her clothes of for sex after that and I was afraid one of them would get the balls to break into our house.

“JULIANA!,” I scream at the locked door.

 I bang on the door and I’m prepared to break it down with my shoulder when it swings open and she’s standing in front of me. Her hair is shiny and falling around her chin, her face is fully made and she’s wearing a skin tight piece of  lingerie I’d never seen before.

Before I can ask any questions she lowers herself to her knees in front of me.

Our relationship the past few weeks had been dysfunctional at worst, apathetic at best and I’m confused—which makes me frustrated.

“What the hell are you doing ?,” I ask looking down at her.

She looks up at me looking every bit the image in Brad’s videos.

“Are you standing at attention, Lieutenant Clark ?,” she asks me in what I imagine was supposed to be a sexy voice. 

“Are you kidding me ?," I balk and she looks genuinely confused. "Well, I guess it doesn’t matter that you didn't bother to learn my rate since I’ll probably be getting dismissed.”

I reach down and take her wrist and stand her back up. Her skin is warm and the pupils in her pretty brown eyes look like pinpoints.

“What are you doing ?,” I ask her again. "Why are you acting like this ?,"

“Isn’t this what you like ?,” she says, reaching up and  putting an arm around my neck. “I saw the videos on your laptop.I’m giving you what you want.”

Buying those videos had been one of my lower points. I was lonely and as fucked up as I thought the whole site was, parts of it turned me on. I liked how aggressive she was in some of the videos, but I knew the line between real and fake.

“I’m too  hungover to deal with whatever this is and we don't have time,” I tell her. “Get dressed, get the kid, we have to go to that stupid dinner  at Uncle Ramsey’s.”

Her body deflates as she remembers the dinner. She starts wandering around the small bedroom touching things.

“I spent all day  yesterday with Amber doing wedding stuff,” she says in a whiny voice.

“This isn’t Amber's wedding bullshit, it’s a family dinner--”

“But you know Amber is incapable of talking about anything else,” she says.

This makes me laugh. I knew Juliana didn’t love Amber, but she rarely let it slip. Which meant this dinner might actually be fun.

 

***

I drink a gallon of water while Juliana and Mason get ready  but it doesn’t sober me up so I decide to fuck sobriety and bring a flask with me to Uncle Ramsey's. We’d found the flask when we were cleaning out the house for the renovations. The flask probably belonged to my Grandma Clark because I’d heard she'd never been sober a day in her life..

We’re the last ones to get to Uncle Ramsey’s house—a split level home in a gated community in Mississippi. After the storm destroyed her house Nana begrudgingly moved into Ramsey’s attic apartment--which was almost as big as our house.The moment we step inside Mason immediately begins torturing Macy’s kids. Her two kids were good at sitting quietly and coloring in the corner, but Mason liked to chase them and make noise. I’m sure he annoyed them but hell, those kids needed a little chaos. They usually found a balance and I just hoped he didn’t start taking his new habit of biting on other kids.   

Juliana and I walk into the  kitchen where Amber is holding court with all the women in my family just like she did in high school with the cheerleaders. They’re all standing around the granite counters cutting and stirring shit.

“There you are!,” Nana sighs when she sees me.

I go through the line of hugging my mom, Savannah and my aunts.  Amber gives Juliana a half hug and then leads her by the hand and directs her to an empty pitcher and pile of lemons

“I was really hoping we could give the Moms a break and cook dinner together, Juliana. But I think we have most of it in the oven now !,” Amber says.

“Oh, sorry I didn’t realize I was supposed to be cooking--,” Juliana starts.

“Don’t worry about, I think it’s more fun when we do it together,” Aunt Macy interrupts.

“We were just talking about songs I could use in the wedding for the first dance,” Amber tells Juliana. “I was telling them about the Faith Hill and Tim McGraw concert my mama and I went to last summer. They did a set of duets and they were so romantic and all lovey--”

“Okay, but you still didn't tell me, honey,...was he wearing those leather pants?,” Mama says and Macy fake swoons into her shoulder.

“I’ll take that as my cue to leave,” I say.

I feel almost bad for Juliana having to be in the middle of this wedding talk. She gives me a pleading look but I know there is no saving her.

“Oh, come on honey,” Mama calls after me and then the entire kitchen erupts in laughter as I walk out.

The house doesn't have many walls and I can still hear them laughing as I make my way over to the living room. West is sitting on the couch across from Uncle Ramsey and they're talking animatedly over the sound of the TV. They both go silent as I walk into the room.

We'd mostly made amends. West had apologized to Juliana and I a few weeks ago for spreading that comment on Facebook but he was still on my shit list.

“You should have brought your family to church, Rhett,” Uncle Ramsey says before I can even sit down.

“It’s kind of hard to do that seeing that everyone at church is afraid my wife is going to seduce their husbands with her body because she's a porn star--”

“Enough, Rhett.” Uncle Ramsey cuts me off. “No one thinks that.”

“Well, they aren't paying attention because she does star in her own porn site--”

“Alright. Enough with the vulgarities” Uncle Ramsey says, which is his way of saying shut the fuck up. “Let’s discuss something else.”

“Are you still on leave from the Coast Guard ?,” West asks me.

“Yeah. Why ?”

“No reason—well, I just heard of some openings at work…I could put your name in,” he says.

“Oh. Thanks.”

I knew West had graduated from college last summer, but I didn’t  know where the hell he worked.

We watch the game and make more strained small talk but when the conversation turns to my grandfather and how proud he would have been of Amber I can’t take it anymore. Grandpa Sullivan was a xenophobic, religious zealot , who couldn't comprehend anyone who wasn't like him. He hated me--probably because he didn't like my Dad.  Every encounter I had with my grandfather ended with his leather strap and me writing Bible verses 200 times. The old bastard finally had the decency to die when I was ten.

I know I’m going to say something to West and Ramsey to get myself in trouble so I get up.

“I’m going to check on the kid,” I tell them and leave.

I walk out the living room and into the dining room where I can look out the backdoor.  I drink from the flask and watch the kids playing tag. Mason is happily trying to keep up with them even though I doubt he understands the rules of the game.

I slip upstairs and go into the guest bedroom, where the guest bed is neatly made and Savannah’s monogrammed duffle bag is on the floor. She must have spent the weekend here. I sit on the floor of the guest room, take another drink from the flask and just sit, enjoying the quiet.

“Rhett.”

I look up to see Juliana standing at the door. I’m not even sure how long I’d been up here. Before we came here she'd taken all the makeup off and put on all her armor before she left-- a floor length loose black dress with a hideous flower pattern and one of my old hoodies. I wasn't even sure where she was finding such unflattering dresses. Her eyes narrow in on the flask.

“You try talking to those tightasses,” I tell her. “I don’t even care what they think of me, but they still somehow piss me off.”

She leans against the door frame not doing anything  and I can tell she doesn’t want to go back down either. She reaches her hand out for the flask and I stand up and walk over to her. I pull her into the room and shut the door. She takes the flask from me and unscrews the lid, I put my hand over the top before she can take a sip.

“Wait. It’s Deacon’s moonshine,” I tell her in a low voice. “You ain’t ready for that shit.”

She frowns and takes a sip and as predicted almost immediately spits it out into her hand.

“That's awful--,” she says wiping her hand on my jeans.

“I told you so,” I tell her and kiss the top of her had.

She smiles.

I place small kisses down her face until I get to her lips. Then she leans forward to kiss me, which is a mistake because when I got drunk I had a tendency to get horny.

“Is that offer from this morning still valid ?,” I ask her, cupping and squeezing  her ass through the layers of gauzy fabric.

“Stop it, Rhett,” she says

I walk her back against the wall and pull one of her legs to hook around  my hip. Her face contorts and I realize I’d never done it like this with her before.

“Is this okay ?,” I ask her, leaning close to her.

“That offer this morning was for...oral only,” she tells me, her face flushing pink.

Everyone in town may have thought my wife was some kind of whore but,  I don't think I'd ever heard her even say the word fuck or sex.

“Well, I’m skipping third base and going for a home run,” I tell her.

I gather up the fabric of her dress and she presses her body deeper into the wall. She puts her leg down and crosses them. When my fingers reach her panties she pushes me away.

“Come on, Rhett.” she says. “Stop.”

“Stop?," I snap.  "What happened to the slut act from this morning ?”

“I just...I just wanted to give…to you,” she stammers.

"You just wanted to give me a blowjob? You wanted to suck my cock ?." I bait her and she turns pink. "If you really want to turn me on then I  want to hear you say it to me. Tell me what you want to suck my cock. I want to hear you say it."

She doesn't look at me. She just puts her hand on my belt and start to kneel and it pisses me off how disconnected she's acting.

I pull her up by her arm and look into her eyes. Her pupils are even smaller than this morning.

“Stop,” I snap at her. “I’m not Cody. I’m not some pathetic virgin who will be so grateful for a handjob. I’ll give you all my heroin."

Her pink flush turns red and then there are tears in her eyes. She looks away from me and I impulsively grab her face and turn her head so she is looking at me.

“You know about that ?,” she sniffles.

“Of course I know,” I tell her.  “That idiot tells me everything."

“It wasn’t like that,” she cries as tears roll down her face. “I’m sorry, Rhett, I-,”

“I don’t care about what happened.,” I tell her, but I know it's a lie. Cody had told me he gave her heroin and she gave him a hand job the day after it had happened. He let me get  two clean hits in and we called it even but there was nothing I could do to her. “Just as long as you stop fucking up and promise me you'll never try heroin again--"

“Rhett--”

“Juliana, I’m serious--”

“It's helping me," she says like a fucking moron. "I'm not injecting it....it helps me....okay ? If I have to stop you have to stop drinking all the time."

“It’s not the same!” I tell her, but I may have yelled because she jumps back

"You're going to  wean yourself off the shit you are on and then you're going to stop. Heroin will kill you. It's addictive as fuck and you won't see it coming." I tell her. "If I find out you're buying I will make your life a living hell, do you understand ?,"

"You can't talk to me like--"

"I can talk to you however I want when you're being a god damn idiot--"

I go silent when I hear Uncle Ramsey calling our names from downstairs. Without a word I take Juliana's hand and walk downstairs where everyone is gathering in the dining room.

"Were you two having a little fight ?," Nana says like it's a  cute joke.

"No, ma'am. Everything is fine." I tell her even though it's clear Juliana's been crying.

"Now, honey,  you're not jealous of Amber are you ?," Nana asks Juliana. "That's no attitude to have. You should be very thankful for what you even get to have."

"I'm not jealous." Juliana says with the smallest amount of attitude and I can tell she's offended Nana.

"Excuse me, young lady ?," Nana says. "I know you've been up North but you need to remember your manners so you can teach my great-grandson."

Juliana just stares at her blankly and then breaks away from my hand and goes outside, mumbling something about checking on Mason. It's a smart thing for her to do--it was a lot harder for them to hate her when they remembered she was Mason's mom.

 

***

Juliana

-5-

 I pull myself free from Rhett's grip and walk out the french doors to the patio where Macy was setting up the kids's table with paper plates and plastic utensils. She wordlessly passes me the napkins and we set the little eating table. I shake off my encounter with Rhett while I cut up Mason's food for him.

"Are you going to eat ?," I ask Mason.

"Yummy!," Mason responds, picking up one of the cooked carrots Amber had made into a star shape, and eating it.

Of course he would eat  Amber's food.

"Can I ask you a personal question ?," I ask Macy as she begins to head back inside.

"Of course, we're family" she said. I'd always appreciated how she always made me feel like I was apart even though it was clear I never would be.

We walk over the perfectly matching leather patio set on what Ramsey's wife called the lanai.

“Look at that,” Macy laughs. She nods her head back towards the french doors where I could hear the undertones of country music coming from the living room. Amber is dancing with West around the dining room table, they're smiling and laughing all over each other. Physically, Amber and West looked good together, perfect, blonde and all American in their own little world. I wondered if Rhett and I had ever looked like that.

"That girl is something else," Macy smiles as they switch partners and Amber dances with Ramsey while West dances with his Mom. I'd never seen Ramsey smile before. Rhett tries to get Jocelyn to dance but when she says no he goes for his grandmother and she looks so charmed by him. 

“Why did your husband leave you ?,” I ask Macy.

She closes her eyes and I know I've hit a rough spot. I instantly regret it.

"Nevermind." 

“Is that what Rhett told you ?  Well...I guess no one really explained it to him.” she sighs. “My ex didn’t leave me. I left him.”

“Oh.Why ?,” I ask.

 She shrugged.

“He thought he could change me after I became born again. We had a breast cancer scare and it was during that time I felt Jesus calling me. I felt it so clear, but my ex didn't respect my faith or the new path my life was on. I felt caged in in my own home, so we did counseling but when that didn't work I made a sacrifice.” she says and then stops. “Oh, but I mean--”

“Oh, no, I'm not talking about Rhett and I--” I lie. “I’m not thinking about that...I was just wondering if seeing Amber and West was hard for you,”

“No," she says. "Those two give me hope.”

"Yeah," I say quickly. "Me too."