Rhett

-1-

We tried.

We really fucking did

But nothing stuck.

Juliana had managed to give birth without drugs but for some reason detoxing was too hard for her. I knew she went back to using heroin a week after promising to quit. I couldn’t figure out who she was buying from or how she was taking it. The only proof I had were the small, unaccounted increments missing from my bank account.

Wil got me work on some of his construction jobs, but it didn’t last long either. The other guys on his crew had small world views and their dumb shit was exactly what I had been trying to break away from when I went into the Coast Guard. Not to mention they drank liquor like water and I was trying to stay sober.

Internal Affairs had started calling me back to base for random questionings and when I couldn’t keep a set schedule Wil had to let me go

We’d tried to stop each other from  fucking up all the time but it only ended up with us becoming notorious for fighting all over town. Most days I loved her, some days I hated her for ruining my career but after each fight we just got up in the morning and tried again..

Mason seemed happy and that made me feel like maybe we weren’t such fuckups all the time.

“You should be on time,” Juliana tells me, frowning as I fixed the crooked knot she’d tied in my tie.

“Yeah,” I tell her. “I ain’t got a choice since I’m playing chauffeur.”

“Please don’t drink today,” she tells me, draping the garment bag over her arm.

“I’ll do whatever the fuck I want-”

She covers my mouth with her hand and I push her away.

“Rhett-,” she hisses.

She’d wanted me to stop cursing  because she was convinced Mason had said 'damn it' when he fell down playing at Mama’s house. No one else had been around to hear it so I wasn’t convinced she’d heard it right. I think she just wanted me to feel bad about something.

“You’re ride is here,” I tell her, looking out the window as a white limo snakes up our street, looking completely out of place.

Juliana walks over to where Mason is playing with his new favorite toy, a loud toy piano, and kneels down to his level.

“Mommy has to leave to get ready at the church, okay ?,” she tells him and kisses his cheek. “Daddy’s going to finish making you handsome and bring you to the church to see cousin West get married. I’ll see you in one hour, okay ?,”

He’d already started shaking his head and crying  no before she could finish her sentence

“Go too!” he whimpers, pulling on the top of her white t-shirt.

“You’ll see me in less than an hour okay ?,” she smiles. “You get to hang out with Daddy and Cody and then you’ll see me again.”

He screams and kicks his legs as she walks out the door to the limo. He’s upset and  stands at the window crying as she goes, but he’d thankfully given up the violent clinging phase.

I pick him up and take him away from the window. I sit him on the couch to brush his hair back and tie the little bow tie around his neck--- using seeing Juliana as a bargaining chip to get him to calm down. When he’s dressed I put him in his car seat and drive to Cody's house to pick him up.

I notice Marty’s fat ass lazing on his front porch with a newspaper and cigarette.

At the first sight of my car he goes into his house.

I’d seen Marty around a lot, but I hadn’t made any attempt to confront him since the fight. We must have shaken him because whenever he spots me he makes for the nearest exit.

Cody is waiting for me outside his parents house in his court clothes, tan pants with a  dark blue coat and tie. He was on a sobriety streak too and he looked healthier than I’d ever seen him. He slides into the front seat and I start driving towards Mississippi.

With West being the groom I was tasked with being the good grandson and taking my grandmother to the wedding.

“You ready to get lucky ?,” I ask Cody, elbowing him.

“Shit, I ain’t countin’ on it,” he laughs

“It’s a wedding, man. All the single girls are going to want to hook up and West’s groomsmen look like  little choir boys with their purity rings so it's all you. Just find a cute girl you like and talk to her.”

“Easy for you,” he tells me “ Lookin’ the way you do.”

I shrug.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be your wing man--”

“It’s a dry wedding,” Cody reminds me. “No sober girl is going to want me after she hears ‘lives with parents, 3 DWIs, one felony and no driver’s license’.”

“Yeah, well… I got the dry wedding part taken care of,” I tell him and he laughs.

 We make it to Southaven and Nana is already crying before she gets into the car. Cody and I just sit silently in the front seat, stealing the occasional ‘what the fuck’ glance at each other.

 “Your grandfather was so proud to have two strong sons to lead in the lord and now I’m going to watch our first grandchild get married.” Nana sniffles stroking Masons hair. “I hope you give Mason the same kind of guidance Grandpa gave you so Mason can have a woman like Amber one day too.”

She keeps going on about seeing her first grandchild get married and I make a “taking a shot” motion at Cody and he laughs. But I’m not really joking.

If I had to sit through this wedding the drinking was going to start early today.

 

***

The Southaven Baptist Church is near capacity—Amber had invited basically everyone she’d ever met. I pick Mason up so he won’t run and we join the crowd heading into the chapel. I catch a glimpse of Juliana in an alcove down the hall, some blond guy I’d never seen rubbing her hand. She pulls it away and her body language is all wrong.

I break away from the crowd and approach them.

“Hey, is there a problem ?,” I ask coming up behind the blonde guy.

“No, we’re good--” the guy says.

“I wasn’t talking to you,” I say and he turns towards me. When he sees me he must recognize me because he drops her hand.

“It’s okay,” she says quickly turning to me. “It’s fine.”

The guy nods before walking away quickly inside the church.

“Who is that ? What was that about--”

“Same old, same old,” she says.

The video had come out almost a year ago but there were still some assholes who couldn’t let it go. Every few weeks some creep would approach her in public or send her nude pictures.

She starts to smooth out her bridesmaid dress and I take the minute to take her in.

The dress she wore looked like a prom dress, it was made out of the same shiny stiff material. The fabric wasn’t tight, but it followed the shape of her body from her neck to her feet. It had one thick strap, decorated with rhinestones that went across her clavicle and  showed off her tanning bed tanned arms. Her makeup was done up. h=Her eyes outlines in black, her lips a dark red. She looked gorgeous.

“You look beautiful, J,” I tell her. “ Doesn’t she look beautiful, son ?”

“Mama Princess!,” Mason says reaching for her. I don’t think he recognized her at first

She takes him out of my arms, but she has to move her head away so he doesn’t pull a piece of her hair out of the bun at the top of her head.

“You’re only saying that because you haven’t seen the bride,” she tells me giving Mason back. “I should go. You should go too, it’s going to start soon.”

“Don’t forget to upstage the bride,” I tease her as I walk back toward the chapel.

 -2-

Nana is sitting in the front row with Mama, Macy and Ramsey. I don't get a front row seat and  find Cody saving me a seat in the back. When I sit down he grabs my arm and practically shoves the thick paper program into my face.

“Aw, man. You gotta see this shit. Look at it. Look at it. Look at it.” he says. “Amber’s is presenting her purity.”

“You’re fucking with me,” I say stifling a laugh.

The old people in front of us shift uncomfortably.

“Why would she lie like that in church?,” he asks quietly. “We all know she’s saw more dick in high school than the entire cheerleading team combined.”

“I don’t think she’s lying,” I say to him, lowering my tone. “She was always all talk. When we got together she told me she’d barely fooled around with two other guys. She wasn’t ready to go all the way and she never let me touch her that much.”

“You never told me that. Shit, she had everyone fooled,” Cody smirks.

“Well, it didn’t help that one of the guys she messed with  was a substitute teacher,” I remind him.

“What’s so funny, boys ?,” Aubrey asks squeezing herself in the pew next to me. Mason gets excited to see her and crawls intp her lap.

Her dark hair is in a ponytail at the top of her head and she’s wearing a plain sleeveless dark blue dress and her arm is covered in streaks of makeup.

“Nothing,” I say at the same time Cody says “Purity ceremony.”

I expect Aubrey to call us jerks but she just giggles as she looks at the program. She was doing makeup for Amber and I think she was just acting punch drunk because she was finally getting  a weekend away from her kids.

“You did a good job on J’s makeup,” I tell her. “She looks amazing,”

“Yeah, well wait until tonight to mess it up, got it ?”

I roll my eyes.

The ceremony starts and when Juliana walks down the aisle during the seemingly endless procession of bridesmaids she looks uneasy. She trips over her own shoes twice and I spot a few people whispering to their neighbors and pointing to her as she makes her way to the aisle. When she gets to the front she catches my eye and I make a lewd gesture.

Aubrey smacks my arm.

Juliana smiles.

Amber had outdone herself. She looked like a perfect Bride Barbie in the big  strapless white ball gown, that showed off enough cleavage to be sexy but not slutty. The curls in her hair bounced as she made her way down the aisle.

Amber looked happier than I’d ever seen her

And  so did West when he saw her.

As she gets closer and closer to West and his big stupid smile grew I hear Aubrey sniffling next to me. I even catch Cody staring at them with a wistful look in his eye.

The wedding ceremony is long as fuck. The minister is a friend of Amber’s family and he tells a few personal anecdotes, then they both read their favorite pieces of scripture, their father’s both speak and then they light candles.

When the time comes the minister reads some passage about purity and then  Amber takes off a purity ring she’d apparently been wearing since she was 13 and gives it to her Dad. Wes replaces the ring with the wedding band. They say some bullshit about promises and waiting for true love. Half of the bridesmaids are in tears watching her do this. I try not to roll my eyes.

When Rev. Ellis  asks if anyone objects Cody nudges my arm, daring me to say something. I could have. I was still pissed at Wes for what he did to J and Cody and I had discussed possibly fucking with his wedding day

We don’t though.

They have their first kiss and it ends and I’m kind of smiling because West breaks his serious act long enough to take Amber’s arm and hold it up like he’d just won a prize fight.

When the ceremony finally ends, Cody and I make a quick stop at the 7-Eleven and then head to the country club for the reception. When I spot Aunt Macy at the country club I leave Mason with her and circle back to my car in the back of the country club parking lot where Cody and Aubrey where already getting into some of the moonshine I’d stored in the backseat for exactly this purpose.

“That kiss was fucking tragic,” I say tipping the mostly empty bottle of whiskey into my mouth and chasing it with cold Coke I’d gotten at the convenience store.

“Shut up, it was sweet,” Aubrey says smacking my arm even though I knew if she got drunk enough she’d admit she hated Amber as much as I did. Aubrey was older and more mature than me, but in a lot of ways she was just as bad if not worse than me.

“It was better than yours,” Cody teases me.

“Fuck you,” I tell him and he laughs. “He didn’t even go in for tongue,”

“Yeah, cause he ain’t tryna make everyone throw up like ya’ll were,” Cody responds.

“Whoa. Hey…do you realize  Savannah is our last hope for a Clark to have a good and proper wedding ?,”  Aubrey muses, mixing the moonshine into a bottle of lemonade.

The Clark side of my family only had three grandkids. Aubrey, me and then Savannah. I’d had a quickie wedding at a courthouse. Aubrey and Wil had gotten married by a friend in a diner after meeting two days earlier at a Nirvana concert.

“Hey, I still had a wedding,” I remind her, loosening my tie.

“Well…I wasn’t invited,” she said, swinging her ponytail around in the way she did when she was buzzed.

“ Yeah, ’cause I knew you wouldn’t have come,” I reminded her.

If I married Juliana again right now, Aubrey would be there front and center. But when I’d first announced I was engaged to a girl they’d only met once Aubrey didn’t trust her. She didn’t like to admit how much she hated Juliana at first.

The bridesmaid's limo pulls up to the country club and I quickly refill the soda can with whiskey and try not to look suspicious.  We go inside the country club, but I hang back in the hall  to watch the bridesmaids spill out of the limo, deep in conversation and excitement.

Except one.

Juliana looks deep in thought and almost sad. When she walks by me without seeing me I take her hand and pull her away from the group. She jerks away from the touch but when she sees my face she relaxes and lets me lead her down the hall.

I don’t know what I’m looking for but I finally just pull us into an empty administrative office and shut the door.

“What’s the matter, J ? Don’t be fucking jealous of Amber--,” I say putting my hands on her waist. The fabric of the dress was silky and I run my hands down to her hips.

“I’m not jealous,” she says

“Could have fooled me--”

“I just….,” she looks down and sniffles.

I’d made her cry plenty of times, but the fact that someone else was doing it to her pissed me off.

“Baby--”

 “I’m fine…I just wish…sometimes…I wish I had grown up normal like them…and you. I wish I had friends and family who knew me all my life and loved me like that--”

I wasn’t expecting that. It makes my heart break a little, sometime I forgot what little she had.

“I love you,” I tell her kissing her. “Mason loves you…And I guess your Dad loves you--"

“I know…I just….I was just thinking it would have been nice if Dad came to my wedding and given me away,” she says quietly her face turning pink.

“Why ?,” I scoff, parting her lips and deepening the kiss. “What ? Like you’re something he owns ?,”

“No,” she says as I ease her body closer to mine.. “You weren’t listening during the ceremony…. It’s a sign of respect and trust and…approval. I feel like we did it wrong…maybe that’s why it’s not working right.”

It's not working right

That hits me harder than I expect.

“Who cares about that shit ? Your Daddy never approved of me,” I remind her, gathering the hem of her dress up and running my finger over the lace thong underneath. “And I think that kind of turns you on…I stole you.”

“You’ve been drinking,” she says, but she doesn’t sound mad.

I  couldn’t remember the last time we’d been alone together, we were hardly ever awake at the same time and if we were Mason was always between us begging for attention. He’s started getting nightmares and coming into our room in the middle of the night.

Juliana holds on to my biceps and braces herself against me. I expect her to push my hands away and to tell me that this is inappropriate but she doesn’t. She looks so damn pretty in the dress and the makeup and when she makes a soft groan and rolls her hips against my finger I lose my mind.

I press her back flush against the wall, hook my arm under her knee  and wrap her leg around my waist. She’s off balance in the satin burgundy stilettos and I use my other hand to brace her against the wall. I can hear the sound of  the DJ and Amber’s bridal party music starting in the reception room as I replace my finger with my erection. Juliana doesn’t push me away or try to leave, she just holds on tighter to my shoulder, balancing herself

I grip her leg higher and start thrusting. When I  finish she presses herself closer, kissing me and humping me like she's ready for round two. Through the thin walls I register that  the DJ in the reception hall called Juliana’s name. He calls it again and it’s followed by an awkward, slow applause.

“Oh no,” Juliana says, pushing away from me. “Oh my gosh--”

“It’s okay--”

“I missed my—I missed it--,” she cries.

I put her leg down, she’s wobbly and she’s still panting a little. I give her the rest of my whiskey soda. Miraculously, there is nothing on her dress.

“Where’s Mason?,” she asks, wiping lipstick off my mouth with her thumb. “Maybe I can use him as my excuse--”

“He’s inside with Aunt Macy,”

She looks close to tears, it looks like one of her eyelash extensions is coming off. I try and fix it and she shoves me away.

“God, J. So you missed an entrance. Who gives a fuck ?,”

“Amber,” she reminds me.

-3-

We walk as nonchalantly as we can into the reception and to the bridesmaid table where we’d both been assigned to sit. All of the bridesmaids were looking her up and down as we stake our seats—well, except for Savannah who was rolling her eyes at me.

Amber is being spotlit on the dance floor as Wes twirls her around in his arms and lucky for us most people have their eyes glued to them. Then Amber dances with her dad to that Stevie Wonder song and then West dances with Amber’s mom then the married couple and all the parents dance. It’s like she wanted people to be starving while they watched her dance.

When Amber finally sits down at the head table with her parents and Brooke, they start serving dinner. Juliana walks over to the head table and hugs Amber and whispers some fake apology that Amber nods over enthusiastically about.

My seat is between Lea, Amber’s high school cheer co-captain, and Juliana. Since most of the bridesmaids went to high school with me we spend most of the night relitigating high school. I slip out with some of the other bridesmaid’s dates to my car to get a drink. I liked being around people, but it didn’t feel like a real party without alcohol.

The food is decent and when the waiters take the plates West’s best man tell stories about the newlyweds followed by Brooke. Reverend Ellis stands up to talk about the work they did during Hurricane Katrina and how it brought them together in god and shit. Then suddenly everyone wants to get up and talk and by the end Nana, Mama, Macy, Ramsey and Savannah have said something cloying about West.

No one dares offer me the microphone.

Instead of listening to their bullshit I  watch Juliana, I wasn’t used to being out with her. She didn’t like going to the bar and whenever I took her to a party or even a restaurant she’d get all self conscious and go mute—even if someone asked her a direct question.  

But tonight she’d been drinking from my glass, so she was a little buzzed—she laughed a little louder and talked a little more.  I can tell she was still thinking about what we’d done in that empty office. Whenever I run my hand over her bare arm or touch her thigh she fidgets in her seat, shifting her legs and grabbing the sleeve of my suit jacket.

When they switch the music from oldies country music to Top 40 I pull Juliana out to the dance floor. It’s an upbeat song and she can’t really dance in her high heels but I don’t care.. She’s being silly and laughing at herself and it’s the sexiest thing I’d ever seen. I pull her close to me so we’re chest to chest and I kiss her cheek, resting my lips by her ear.

“Do you want to see if we can find that empty office again ?,” I whisper.

She just laughs

“Is that a yes ?”

“No,” she says and then gets on her toes so she is by my ear. “Maybe later.”

I spin her  and wrap by arm around her chest so her back is pressed  against my chest and her ass is resting against my crotch. She takes me by surprise as she lifts her arms in the air and wraps them around my neck. I pull my arms tighter around her waist.

“I just realized I didn’t get you off--,” I whisper

“Shut up, Rhett,” she says but there’s no venom in her voice.

“---And you’re a fucking cocktease,” I say kissing the back of her neck..

We dance until I forgot there are other people around us. I  kiss her and pull her closer and she leans into it, her hips moving softly against me to the beat of the music, I can pick up the faint desperation in her breathing. I loved her. We we're having fun. I didn’t understand why we couldn’t feel like this everyday.

Someone pulls on my elbow and I break my gaze from Juliana  to see the bride hooking her arm into mine.

“Cutting in,” Amber giggles.

But instead of dancing with me, Amber walks me off the dance floor and out into the hallway.

“This is kinda inappropriate--,” I start but she cuts me off in her scary bitch voice.

“Stop trying to ruin my day,” Amber snaps.

“What--”

“Rhett Clark, you need to grow up, okay ? ,”

“ I need to grow up ? You need to grow up. How am I ruining your wedding--”

Amber’s turning bright red and I start to think she’s going to hit me.

“For one I know you’ve been giving people liquor--”

“I--”

“And you’re drunk. And you hooked up with one of my bridesmaids at my reception--”

“She’s my wife--”

“Not today--”

“It doesn’t matter. We didn’t hook up--”

“Shut up,” she interrupts. “Don’t lie to me.  Juliana’s dress is wrinkled and all her lipstick is gone. It’s going to be so obvious in the reception photos...but fine I could have lived with that. But now you’re practically screwing on the dance floor—the reverend is still here ! Just stop it, Rhett. Just sit down and shut up for the rest of my reception.”

“You can’t tell me what to do, Amber. We were just dancing,” I tell her and I laugh because I know I don’t believe myself. I was two drinks from fucking on the dance floor. “We weren’t doing anything you haven’t done at a million other weddings. What, are you jealous or something ? Is that it ?”

“West is right,” Amber sighs, and actually throws her arms up. “You think everything is about you. You know ya’ll really put the family through a lot with all that…adult video stuff. Your mom told me you tried to join that creepy cult when we were in high school and that nothing has been the same since. I’m trying to help make it better but you aren’t helping--.”

“When the fuck did my mama tell you about that ?,” I ask.

She shrugs and seems to realize she said something she shouldn’t have. I could only imagine what West would do with this information. The town had one reason to shame Juliana they didn’t need another.

“Why would you even ask her about it ?”

“I didn’t. We were just…talking about helping you find a job and she said it. Look, whatever,”Amber brushes it off. “I didn’t tell anyone. Let’s just go back inside and talk to our friends--”

“I don’t think so”

“Rhett--”

“No, it’s fine,” I tell her in a biting tone. “You don’t have to worry about us ruining your wedding anymore, Amber.”

I walk back inside the reception hall, Amber tries to trail behind me but she’s suddenly mobbed by family members wanting pictures. I walk to the little table where Mason was sitting with some older children. I pick him up and cut into Cody showing Juliana the chicken dance on the dance floor and lead her out the door.

-4-

“What’s going on ?,” Juliana asks, trailing behind me.

“I’m ready to go. We’re leaving,” I tell her reaching back and taking her hand.

“They haven’t even cut the cake. What did Amber say to you ?,” she asks as we make it outside. She breaks away from me to go to the limo to get her totebag.

“Well, we are apparently ruining Amber’s wedding. Also,  my mother told Amber about me being in UL.” 

She doesn’t say anything as I put Mason in his car seat and pull out of the parking lot.

“So ? Is it really so bad ?,” she says suddenly. “People knowing we were in UL ?,”

“Yes, it fucking is,” I snap at her. “Or did you forget that my UL involvement is why I might be dismissed from the United States Coast Guard ?”

“But…well…What if we didn’t talk about all the horrible things that you were made to do. Is it really so bad then ?”

“Juliana what the fuck are you talking about ? It was all horrific.”

“Maybe for you,” she says

“Do you need me to remind you that UL is the reason I’m technically your third husband ?,”

She goes silent. We  still weren’t technically married because she never got her marriage to Caine annulled and neither one of us wanted to talk about it. Just the thought enraged me.

“ Rhett, UL is how I grew up and it wasn’t all corrupt like that--”

“Yes it was, J. You just didn’t know any better,” I remind her.

“Well… I want to start telling people I grew up in UL.”

“No you don’t. People already fucking  hate you. Who knows what they’ll do if they think you’re a devil worshipper--,”

“--UL wasn’t a devil cult--,”

“Like anyone will give a damn. Stop bringing shit on yourself.”

“When Rocket’s book comes out they’ll figure it out.”

“Why would they ?,” I told her. “The book is about United Light, not about you.”

“I met Rocket in Hilton Head. She said she wants my help with her book,” Juliana says. “I was going to tell you but I knew you'd react badly--"

I was suddenly so pissed. Pissed that she’d done this behind my back and that she wouldn’t let the damn cult thing go.

“Like hell you are--,”

“She'll pay me. I need the money--,”

“ Why, baby ? So it can go up your nose ?,” I yell at her. “How fucking stupid are you Juliana ? I’m still dealing with shit from you being a slut--”

“This isn’t about you, Rhett,!,” she shouts and shoves me. She shoves me hard and I don’t expect it. I loose control of the truck and we fishtails out the lane.

Mason starts crying in the backseat.

“J, what the hell ? Calm the fuck down--”

“STOP DISMISSING ME !” she screams.

“Stop screaming at me--”

 “No! I  never got anything out of UL getting raided except jail time… I got the same punishment Caine got, that’s not fair! This is all I want, Rhett. To tell my perspective. Then maybe then people will stop calling me dumb for not knowing about stuff--”

“People call you stupid because you act stupid, like you’re doing right now. Olsen is a fucking reporter, she’s going to exploit you for all the gruesome details so she can make money. I can’t afford to put you in another mental hospital when you go back to crazy land. Let the past fucking go.”

“God, Rhett that is so easy for you to say,” she snaps. “You just bounced back to your old life when UL ended and you got  a nice big settlement check. I got a mental disorder and touched in prison-”

“Wow, when did your Dad get here--”

“Rhett, I’m  so tired of lying. This isn’t about you at all. I won’t talk about you--”

“This is fucking about me--"

“No, it’s no--,”

“--Everything you do reflects on me. I have a reputation--”

“Reputation ?,” she laughs and it really gets under my skin. “ What ? That you drink too much ? That you're violent ? Wow, Rhett, wow, what a great reputation--”

“People can tolerate that I occasionally drink and fight. It makes sense to them” I tell her. “But no one wants to hear how I followed some strange man into a commune and stood by his side while he killed people. No one wants to know I drugged and almost raped some girl for him--”

“Well, it’s what happened,” she says. “We can’t hide the truth of what happened forever--”

“Fine,” I say. "Fine, sweetheart. Have it your way,"

I reach over to the seat and tug the thick cubic zirconia bracelet off her wrist. She freaks out instantly. She’d brought the cheap bracelet because she wasn’t allowed to wear her plastic pink watch in the wedding. The watch that had been covering the brand Caine gave her for the last five years.

“GIVE THAT BACK ! ,” she screeches covering her bare wrist like it’s broken.

 I open the window and toss the bracelet out.

“RHETT!,” she screams and punches me in the shoulder. “Turn around ! Turn around ! ,”

I don’t. I keep driving and she starts throwing a tantrum, crying and stomping her feet against the car mats. I feel bad, but I also feel like I’m winning.

“Hey, if you want to be honest you can start by showing off that brand. It's a perfect conversation starter and  I’m sick of looking at the ugly watch anyway,” I say just to rub it in. I know I sound like an asshole but I don’t care.

I hadn’t seen her brand since Caine gave it to her, marking her as his property. She even kept it on when we had sex. I knew from experience that you couldn’t get a brand lightened or removed. It's why I had to have mine covered up.

“I hate you,” she screams. "I hate you so much."

“I’m just giving you what you wanted,” I tell her.

She screams my name again and throws her arms on the steering wheel.

I shove her away, cofused but then I realize all the car headlights were speeding right towards us.

“Shit.”

My headlights weren’t on.

I’d lost my concentration and was entering the freeway on an exit ramp. I turn my lights on and the other cars immediately begin honking at me.

I hit the brake and make a sharp U- turn, but I overestimate my speed and the truck spins out of my control. The steering wheel feels disconnected and the truck tips.

I hear Juliana’s distressed screaming in a void as the truck rolls over and lands with a violent crash on it’s back. The glass shatters and rains down on us. The air bags come out with so much force it feels like my nose is broken. Before I can catch a glimpse of Juliana’s face the lights in the car flicker and die  and we’re in pitch black.

Shaking uncontrollably, I unbuckle myself and drop from my seat. The driver door is stuck, but I force it open and crawl out. Brushing glass off my suit  I turn  on the penlight on my key chain and go to the passengers side. Juliana’s just as shaken as I am and  looks to be in shock—she’s hanging upside with a look of horror in her eyes. She’s upside down, so her  bridesmaids dress was pooled around her face and she’s futility trying to bunch it between her legs.

Her window is completely shattered, so I easily reach through and unbuckle her and pull her out the window. It’s a tight fit and I know her legs are getting cut and scraped.

When I get her on the ground, I think she is going to hug me but instead she scratches my face.

“Juliana ,it’s me--,”

She throws a punch at me and I have to hold her wrist.

"Baby it's me--"

“WHY DID YOU GET ME ? GO GET MASON !,” she screams hysterically.

Shit, I’d forgotten he was in the car. He’d been so quiet.

She goes towards the truck to get him out and I snap back and realize I have to pull her away. Mason should have been crying and the fact that he wasn't wasn't a good sign.

“I’ll get him,” I tell her, pulling her away.

“No--,”

I don’t have time to argue, I shove her away from the truck as hard  as I can. She’s off balance in the heels and she stumbles before falling on her ankle the wrong way in the tall grass.

I’m vaguely aware of ambulances in the distance approaching us.

Fuck.

Turning the pin light  back on  I go back to the truck and prepare myself for the worst. I remembered all the trauma training we’d given civilians in  Katrina and put it to use. 

I shine the lights in the backseat and I see the space where his car seat was supposed to be is empty. My heart drops. I look at the backseat windows and while they were cracked they don’t look like anyone went through them. There was no blood on them.

I look down into ceiling (which was now the floor) and catch sight of his dress shoe. Leaning into the  window more I finally remember to breathe when I see his bright eyes reflecting off the penlight. He’d somehow fallen to the bottom of the car and was tucked between the empty car seat and one of Juliana's half finished blankets.

His eyes focus on me, but he doesn’t look scared and he doesn’t cry.

“You’re so brave,” I tell him. “Daddy’s gonna get you out, okay ?”

I try and open the backdoor but it’s stuck. I pull on it harder, putting my whole weight into it.

“Fuck,” I shout, realizing the child safety lock was on. I try and use the key, but the power locks are dead and the manual lock is smashed in.

 

Footsteps come up behind me, but I keep alternating between the power and manual lock,  keeping myself focused on getting Mason out.

“Sir, sir, where is your son ?,” an authoritarian voice asks behind me.

I turn around to see an assembling group of police, EMTs and firefighters coming towards me. A pair of  EMTs are talking to Juliana and putting her on a gurney. She’s holding her wrist giving them a hell of a fight about it.

“He’s in the car,” I tell them as I formulate my next move “The back door is stuck, but I can get him if I go through the driver's door and--”

 

The police don’t listen to me. They make me stand back and keep asking me if I’m hurt as they assess the wreck and work as a group top tip the car back over.  They crack the back window enough to open the backdoor from the inside and the EMTs immediately go in and bring him out. They put him on a tiny gurney.

I run over to see how he looks, his face has some scratches and there is a piece of glass sticking out of his eyelid. I brush it away and he doesn’t even cry.

Juliana is screaming about wanting to see him. She's freaking him out and when he hears her his face starts scrunching up. They put a thick brace over his head and neck so he can’t move and it starts to freak him out more. 

“Hey, it’s okay, son. It’s okay,” I tell him and then look at the EMT. “You need to make sure he’s not bleeding internally.”

“We will, sir--”

“No, you need to do it now--,” I tell them.

I reach to unbutton Mason’s shirt, but one of them holds me back.

“We need to keep him steady to make sure he doesn’t have a concussion, we will check for internal bleeding when we get to the hospital--”

 "It could be too late--"

"Sir, it's fine," someone tells me.

I follow them away from the wreck and to two ambulances. Juliana is begging them to let her see Mason as they try and get her into the ambulance.

“Sir,” a female EMT with a big walkie talkie says walking towards me. “We have to take your son to the University Hospital because it has pediatric specialists. They’re taking your wife to  General. They’ll both be cared for but, which one do you want to ride with your wife or your son ?”

It seems like such a bizarre question.  At this distance, I can see the extent of the accident and my mind is spinning. It looks bad. My car is smashed, a piece of the bed had flown into the interstate.

“I’ll go with Juliana,” I tell the woman and she seems surprised, but calls it into her walkie talkie

“Wait, no! No he’s not !” Juliana says from the gurney. “No. What the hell, Rhett ? Go with Mason!”

She tries to lift her head up and unstrap herself and when one of the EMTs asks her to stop she ignores him. Two of them have to hold her down to get her strapped back in. When I get in the ambulance she get even angrier and I watch one of them sedate her. 

 

 

***

Juliana

No one in the hospital would listen to me 

“How about I get you some of the good stuff ?,” the nurse says to me, picking up the prescription the doctor left.

“I need to see my son,” I tell him. “Please I need to get to him. They took him to another hospital--”

“I know, sweetie,” he says. “You told me and I’ll look into it--,”

“He’s only two,” I explain. "He's all alone, I don't think anyone knows we were in an accident, they're at the wedding--"

The nurse just nods and then leaves the small curtained off cubicle. I try not to start crying again. It hurt too much to cry.

I stare down at my sprained ankle the nurse had expertly wrapped. It was peaking out from the stupid bridesmaid dress I was still wearing. When the nurse had first seen me she asked if I was going to a homecoming dance when we crashed.

I steal a piece of bandage to wrap my wrist and cover the brand. Just looking at it made me ill.

I hadn’t been praying as much as I should have been, but I decide to recommit myself that moment. I can’t get on my knees, but  I bury my face in my hands and pray that Mason is protected and going to be okay.

The curtain opens again and I look up to see Rhett standing on the other side and I’m angry all over again. He has a few scrapes on his face, but other than that he looks perfectly fine . He’s leaning against the wall observing me.

He’d almost killed his entire family in that car. He pushed me and made me sprain my ankle. He wouldn’t go to the hospital with Mason. And now he was standing there looking sullen and not terribly bothered by any of it.

I hated him.

“You’re going to pay for this you cold bastard,” I tell him. “How could you leave Mason--”

“I had to,” he cuts me off in a hushed tone.

“No, you didn’t,” I tell him. “Rhett, you’re so terrible--” 

“Shut the fuck up, J. We don’t have time for this,” he says in a serious whisper that takes me by surprise.

Did he know something I didn’t about Mason ?

I was sure Mason had been awake when they put him in the ambulance. He had to have been.

“Oh, God no. Is Mason--”

“Mason's fine. But there’s a cop in the lobby waiting to talk to us before we can go get Mason.” Rhett tells me, casting his eyes away.

I usually hated cops, but I’d talk to anyone so I could get to Mason.

“Bring the cop in here,” I tell Rhett. “Let’s get this over with--”

“J,” he says still not looking me in the eye. “Baby...I  need you to tell the police you were driving,”

It takes me a long moment to understand what he is asking. I didn’t draw many lines with the things I’d do for Rhett, but lying to the police was that line.

“No--,” I protest

“J, please, you have to. I think I drank too much tonight. I could get jail time--,”

“I told you to stop driving drunk--”

“You didn’t exactly try and take the keys--,”

“I--,”

I didn’t have a comeback. I knew he'd been drinking and I hadn’t even made an effort to drive.  I’d just gotten so used to him driving home completely wasted that  I’d accepted his drunk driving as normal.

“You want me to lie to the police ?,” I say

“I don’t want you to but…yeah.” Rhett says looking down. “The Coast Guard will never let me back in if I have a DWI. You’re probably under the legal limit, so you’ll just get a fine.”

“No I won’t. I'm a convicted felon--,”

“That charge is old,” he tells me. “You’re a cute blonde girl in a pretty dress, you’ll be fine.”

I suddenly want to strangle him.  I’m so angry and I’m so tired. Rhett’s was the only marriage that mattered to me, but he was putting me through exactly what Caine and Sawyer had put me through. He wanted me to lie to save himself. It was an awful thought so I don’t say it out loud.

“No. I’m telling them the truth.”

“You can’t, J. Please. Honey, please-”

“Watch me,”  I tell him

“Fine,” he says. “But then I’m going to tell them give you a drug test.”

 Any confidence I’d had suddenly vanishes. I was still taking heroin to help with my anti-depressants. I’d taken it this morning.

After Rhett and Marty fought I’d tried to quit but it was too hard. I messaged Brad and told him help me find clean heroin or I was going to try to cut into some of his profits from his website. I wasn’t going to do it for real, but it motivated  him enough.

Every month Brad sent me a envelope from my Dad’s address with a  generic greeting card holding a small bag of heroin and I replied with the cash. Rhett always ignored it because he thought it was a card from my Dad.I’d worked hard to keep it secret, it was my one guilty pleasure and it was the only thing keeping me functioning.

“That’s not fair--,” I tell Rhett and I know I sound like a child

“This isn’t about fair,” he snaps. “Do you want me to go to jail ? Is that it, baby ? Because if you don’t do this I’m going to jail for driving over the legal limit. I’ll get kicked out of the Coast Guard, we’ll both never have jobs and then they’ll take Mason away--”

“I don’t believe that--”

He suddenly grabs my shoulders and shakes them, getting close to me. My face heats up and tears prick at the sides of my eyes.

“I’m not  fucking asking you,” he tells. “You have put me through so much shit this year. I’m asking you to do one thing and you’re going to fucking do it--”

“Stop it Rhett--”

“Hey--” a warning voice says.

The curtain swings open and Rhett quickly lets go of me, his hand trails up and down my back like he was comforting me. A young police office is standing on the other side of the curtain and he is staring at me with a concerned look. I watch the officer’s concerned expression turns into something else when Rhett turns to face him.

“Rhett Clark ?,” the police officer asks. The officer is smiling and I don’t know if that’s good or bad.

Rhett steps towards the officer.

“Mr. Wright ?,” Rhett says and then laughs. “Shit, I’m sorry…I guess Officer Wright ?”

Officer Wright smile widens. He nods his head and they shake hands.

“J, Mr. Wright used to be my substitute teacher. This is my wife, Juliana”

I hold out my hand but instead of shaking it Officer Wright just nods at me.

“I was also his cross country coach for the year he was on the team," Officer Wright tells me.  "You shoulda stuck with it,kid…I heard you were in the Coast Guard,”

“I’m on leave,” Rhett explains and he nods. “How long have you been a police officer ?,”

“About six years,” Officer Wright says.

There is an awkward silence in the room and then the officer speaks.

“So, your son is at University Hospital and he’s doing fine,” the officer tells us. “But we need to know what happened…that was an ugly accident. Witnesses said your car came on the freeway the wrong way. Have either of you been drinking ?”

“We were at a wedding,” Rhett says. He looks over at me, his expression full of anxiety.

“And who was driving ?,” the officer asks.

The room goes silent again.

“Me. I was driving,”

Rhett’s arm rests around my shoulder as I lie to the officer for him.

“She only had maybe half a drink and we were arguing over something really dumb,” Rhett continues. “It was a mistake, she hasn’t had her license that long--”

The officer pulls out a small black square that looks like a cell phone and rips the plastic at the top to reveal a nozzle.

“I need to check your alcohol level, sweetheart,” Officer Wright tells me.

“C’mon, Mr. Wright.” Rhett says. “Everyone’s okay. It was just a mistake.”

“A pretty big mistake,” Officer Wright says holding the black device out to me. “Come on, sweetheart.”

I take the device from him and try to quickly make sense of it.

“Can I take this into the bathroom ?,” I ask him.

The officer stares at me and then he starts to laugh.

“No, you just have to breathe into it,” Rhett says, holding it up to my mouth.

“Oh, right,” I said, but I could hear the nerves in my own voice.

While I’d been randomly drug tested nearly every day during the few weeks  I was housed in a federal prison in Florida,  I’d never had my blood alcohol tested before and I suddenly feel very stupid.

I blow into the device and the officer takes it back quickly and shakes his head.

“.19,” the officer says and looks at Rhett. “Why the hell would you let her drive this drunk with a kid in the car ?”

Neither one of us say anything.

“I should probably make you blow on this too,” the officer tells him.

“I’d rather not,” Rhett tells him.

“Are you refusing ?,” Officer Wright asks.

“Yes, sir,” Rhett mumbles.

“Fine. That’s your right.” he asks and raises his eyebrow. “That bad ?,”

“You have no idea,” Rhett sighs.

Officer Wright throws the device in the trash and pulls out his handcuffs. He starts walking towards me with them.

“What the fuck are you doing ?,” Rhett asks at the same time I start scooting back on the table.

“I’m sorry,” the officer says. "Mrs. Clark you're under arrest."