-1-

Rhett

I manage to keep the car accident from everyone except Deacon for 3 days. 

It was the time I needed to make sure Amber and West were off on their Hawaiian honeymoon so they couldn’t accuse me of orchestrating a fucking accident to distract from their wedding. I’d only told Deacon because I needed him to give me a ride home from the hospital.

“Did you walk here, honey ?,” Mama asks when Mason and I walk into the salon. It was hot as fuck and I was dripping with sweat.

The salon is quiet today, the only clients inside are a woman in Mama's chair and her little girl.

“What happened ? What’s the matter ?,” Savannah coos to Mason taking him out of my aching arms. His face was red and tear-stained. His gray dinosaur t-shirt was wrinkled and covered in dirt.

He’d thought walking to the salon with me was fun until it got too hot and he didn't want to drink out of my water bottle. He decided to throw a falling down tantrum when we were only a few streetlights away. I’d pretended I was going to leave him and that had only made it worse. When I finally picked him up he cried so hard I was afraid he was going to hyperventilate.

He’d only calmed down and drank the water when he realized going go the salon met he could play with Savannah.

“Did he fall ?,” Mama asks sliding her flatiron through the woman’s thick red hair.

“Nah, he just got upset. Can I talk to you in the back, Mama ?” 

“Just as soon as I’m done,” she tells me.

I walk into the back and drink one of the god awful zero calorie sodas she kept stocked in the mini-fridge. I was  exhausted and getting a headache. I needed a  Vicodin. I have my head in my hands when I hear Mama walk into the tiny office.

“What’s going on, honey ?,” she says sitting in the seat across from me at the desk.

“I just need you to watch Mason today. I have a lot of shit I need to get done--”

“Language,” she scorns me and I try not to laugh at that being her biggest problem. “Savannah can maybe watch him in the afternoon, but I have clients booked all day. What exactly is your wife up to today ?”

She’d started casually referring to Juliana as ‘your wife’ since the porn site incident.

I’d come here to tell her the truth so I just do it.

“Promise you won’t get mad.” I tell her.

“Oh, god, what now ?,” Mama says rubbing her forehead. I wondered if headaches were contagious.

“So…J’s in jail,” I tell her.

Mama slams her hands on the desk and I can’t even look her in the eye.

“Good Lord, Rhett,” she says shaking her head. “I know she has issues and bless her heart, but I’ve had it up to here with that girl.”

“I…It was an accident,”

“ Accident ? Accident ? Is that the word we’re using now ? You know I defended her when people said she was...soliciting herself--”

“No. God, Ma, It was an actual accident,” I explain and tell her about our crash. I don’t tell her I’d been the one driving.

When Officer Wright arrested Juliana I figured they were trying to scare her and she’d just get a slap on the wrist. Figuring I needed to find a way to pick her up from the police station I called Deacon to come and get me and pick Mason up.

What I hadn’t known was that while I was arranging a ride she was sent before a bitch of a judge who gave her 14 days in jail for child endangerment. I wanted to come clean right then, but then Juliana would get in more trouble for lying under oath.

She had to report for her sentence two days later and I’d never been more pussy whipped than I had been for those two days. She only talked to me long enough to tell me to sleep on the couch.

“Lord, Jesus,” Mama says rubbing her eyes with both her hand. “Okay, let me think…first things first let me call Marty about getting you another car--”

“I ain’t going to him,” I tell her. “Besides I need to get a loan first. The insurance company won’t cover a new car since we’re at fault--”

“Okay. Fine. How much ?,” Mama sighs. 

I stare at her. The salon has just gotten in the black for the first time since she opened it. She was making a decent profit but not a very big one. 

“Too much,” I tell her thinking about the last $200 dollars in my checking account. “I’ll figure it out, I  just need you to watch Mason while I go to the bank--”

“Honey, it’s clear you need more than that. I’m your mother, let me help you--”

“I think you’ve done enough,” I tell her and despite my best efforts I can’t keep the attitude out my voice.

“Excuse me ?,” she says. “I’m your mother, Rhett I’m just trying to help--”

“This is partially your fault,” I laugh. “We would have never left the wedding early  if Amber hadn’t told me you were telling her all of my business--”

Mama crosses her arms. “What are you talking about--,”

“You told her I was in United Light--,you won’t even tell Nana about that.”

“Well, she asked where you disappeared off to during senior year and I sure as hell wasn’t going to lie to her,” Mama said

“She said you think me joining UL fucked up our family--”

“I--,” she starts. “That’s not exactly what I said. All I said is nothing good has come out of your association with that place. Think about it, honey. It’s the reason you’re  out of work, it’s the reason you had to see that therapist and where you met--,”

She stutters on the last part of her sentence and swallows it. We have a staring contest because I don’t think either of us is ready to have the conversation where I have to choose a side between my wife and my mother.

“…It’s been a while since I had a sleepover with my grandson,” Mama says. “I’ll stop by your house and get his clothes.”

“Thanks,” I say cautiously. I wasn’t used to winning fights with Mama.

“Do you need a ride--,” she asks

“No, I think I need to walk.”

 I say goodbye to Mason and jog back to my empty house. I change into a shirt and tie and talk my neighbor Trevor into driving me to the bank for the loan.  It’s humiliating to have to ask someone for a ride and I suddenly feel like an asshole for all the times I didn’t give Cody a ride.

“Where’s your girl at ?,” Trevor asks as he drives us out the neighborhood.

“You fucking spying on me ?,” I throw back at him, a little shaken he even noticed she’s been gone.

“Nah, just an observation,” he says and then laughs to himself. “Erik thought she got a gig working at Lipstixx,"

“Fuck you,” I say shaking my head. Lipstixx was a trashy strip club off the freeway. The only person who I knew went there was Cody and that was only because he used to buy coke there.

“You got her buried in the backyard then ?,” he laughs.

“You have a dark sense of humor,” I tell him.

“Is everything okay ?,” he finally asks in a genuine tone.

I try to figure out how to tell him what happened, but I’m saved by my cell phone ringing. I look down and see the number is blacked out as classified and a rush of anxiety comes over me. The only numbers that came up on my phone as classified were from my job.

 

***

Juliana

The Jefferson Parish Detention Center was nothing compared to the federal facilities I’d been bounced around in for three years in Florida but I use the same tactics to keep me sane.

There was no order and the jail was mostly a room of bunk beds, a common room and a cafeteria. Most of the women were drug offenders and  were too busy going through withdrawal to bother me. I’d never seen heroin withdrawal before and I’d heard one woman describe the pain as if her entire body was trying to flip inside out. I didn’t think I’d go through withdrawal since I took so little, but I e-mailed Brad before I left to hide the heroin in a pen and mail it to the  jail with a notebook.

On the first day I found a table in the common room and sat there the entire day pretending like I was mute and not talking to anyone. On the second day I bring my  notebook and pen, sit in the same chair and write. I didn’t know if I was good writer but I wanted to get everything out so I could type it and send it to Rocket to see if she could use any of it in her book about United Light.

I wrote everyday of my 10 day sentence as a distraction. Sometimes I wrote about UL, other times I wrote letters to people I’d never send and sometimes I just made random doodles. I  had to push Rhett and Mason out of my mind.

I  was furious at Rhett at first for making me take the fall for his mistake, but I also knew he felt bad about it and it was better I be here than him. He couldn't have a felony on his record and I shouldn't have let him drive. He’d actually cried when I told him I had to go to jail.

 I didn’t want much from Rhett anymore. I just wanted him to stop drinking and I wanted to write.  I wanted to explain  United Light from my perspective with my own words and Rocket had promised me that.

I’m released after 8 days and I have five spiral notebooks filled with my own UL memories and random doodles.  Rhett is standing in the jail’s parking lot in jeans and a gray button up leaning against Jocelyn’s Camry. He has a big bouquet of expensive looking flowers in his arms. I’m still angry with him, but  my instincts get the better of me and I hug him. He silently gives me a small box, I open it so see a brown leather watch. The watch that fits easily over my wrist and covers the brand.

“Hey,” he says, kissing my cheek

“Hi,” I respond and peek into the backseat of the car. “Where’s Mason ?”

“I left him with .Aubrey. I thought we could go and get a  new car today,” he says.

“Why didn’t you get a new car already ?,” I ask. It had been more than a week.

“Figured I’d let you pick it out,” he tells me with a weak smile

“Why ? I don’t have a license anymore,” I say and I realize it sounds childish. His smile fades.

“Sorry-” 

“Stop apologizing,” he cuts me off.

We drive in silence to a used car lot in the New Orleans city limits. Our salesman  is a sullen, graying, middle aged man who never answers my questions. He’s not immune to Rhett’s charm and by the time we schedule a time for Rhett to come pick the car up they are laughing like old friends. In the end I pick a black SUV.

On the way back I make Rhett stop at the diner where I’d gone after Amber's dress fitting and peer pressured myself into ordering a salad. This time I order the  hushpuppies and we split them.

“I guess we should really talk about this ?,” he says. "About us."

“I don’t want to talk about it. All I want is for you to stop drinking and you to let me work with Rocket,”

I can tell it makes him angry but he is backed into a corner.

“I like Olsen," Rhett says, which surprises me. "But she’s still a journalist. She needs to make money and she’ll want all the dirty details.”

“Rhett, there is nothing dirty," I assure him.  "I told her I'd talk about UL not about what I did in Florida."

He looks up.

“Will you send me everything you send her ?,” he asks.

“Fine,” I agree

We’re silent as our food comes. I order a slice of cake to take to Mason.

“What did you tell everyone ?,” I ask.

“About what ?,” Rhett asks.

“About where I was,” I say.

He looks confused and it’s alarming.

“I told them the truth,” he says slowly

Suddenly I’m furious.

“Why would you do that ?,” I ask.

“Are you fucking kidding me ?  I thought that is what you would have wanted. Jesus Christ, Juliana, you've been arguing with me over wanting to be more honest--”

“This is different--”

“Not really--"

“In what world would I want your family to know I was in jail--”

"What the hell was I supposed to say--,"

"Anything!"

“Make up your mind, J. You’re driving me fucking insane," he shouts

I hear footsteps and look up to see a man in a clean polo shirt and khakis coming up to us. He has a manager badge on. Right behind him I can see the hostess staring at me.

“Are we about to get kicked out ?,” Rhett asks the manager jokingly.

“Ya’ll  just need to keep it down,” the manager tells us.

“Guess, we get a little impassioned,” Rhett admits and gives the manager a reassuring smile.

 When the manager leaves I walk to the hostess stand and ask her to make our order to go.

“Everything good ?,” the hostess asks

“Everything’s fine," I say, forcing a smile

---

-2-

I flinch when I feel a sudden warm hand on mine. I pull my hand away and turn around to see Mrs. Sullivan, Rhett’s grandmother, frowning at me.

“We’re going to have a talk,” she says, grabbing my hand.

“Oh, um, I should help with--,” I say gesturing to the sink where I’d volunteered to wash dishes.

“The other girls will be fine, besides you’re making even more of a mess of it,” she says leading me out the kitchen.

I resist the urge to shake out of her grip as she leads me through the open living room and into the now empty  formal dining room.

Amber and West had moved into a newly built house in Mississippi right after their honeymoon and within a month Amber had the open concept split level home decorated like a hotel and sent out invitations for a family dinner party. I knew West worked in fundraising for a big nonprofit and Savannah had just taken a job as a part time music teacher, but I had no idea how they afforded all of their new things.

I didn’t want to come to the dinner.

I knew everyone was still unhappy with  me for the videos and I couldn’t imagine how they’d look at me since Rhett told everyone I’d been in jail for a week. But the dinner had been surprisingly uneventful. Rhett even helped West grill the steaks without being a jerk about it.

Mrs. Sullivan sits down in one of the plush pale blue dining room chairs and gestures for me to sit too.

“Look out that window,” Mrs. Sullivan orders me, gesturing to the large window behind me.

West and Amber’s backyard was  a bright green flat square and was closed in with an actual white picket fence. Amber had planted a lemon tree and they had a small patio with a two person polka dot patio set.

Rhett was in the backyard playing touch football with Macy’s son, West, Ramsey and Athens, who had just gotten back from his deployment to Cuba and been invited to dinner by Rhett.

It looked like Rhett and Athens had stopped playing and we’re having a push up contest, Athens says something to Rhett and they both laugh.

“I think they’re having a--”

“I love my grandson,” Mrs. Sullivan cuts me off. “He--”

“I know. I love him too,” I remind her.

“It’s rude to interrupt people, my goodness don’t they teach girls any manners up North ?,”

“Sorry, I--”

“I love my grandson,” she interrupts me again. “He may be difficult sometimes, but I’d do anything for that boy’s happiness. And his son’s. Can you say that same thing ?,”

“Yes,” I say firmly. I had done just it. I went to jail so Rhett wouldn’t lose his dream job.

“Because you know you’re a very lucky girl. My Rhett could  have  any woman in Freeport, well any woman in the world, really, as a partner, but he chose you to raise a child with. The Lord works in mysterious way and for some reason you were given a gift.”

Tears of frustration burn in the back of my eyes because I know I can’t argue with her. I knew no one in Freeport thought I was good enough, but I couldn’t believe she way saying it to my face.

“I--,”

“A good Christian man deserves the very best in a wife. Rhett’s a well educated. Handsome. A hard worker and an excellent provider--,”

He was also an atheist. He was also a drunk. Broke. Violent. And a god damn liar. I want to remind her of this but I don’t.

“If you keep up with this in and out of jail and drinking and…fornication business your marriage isn’t going to last long--”

“I don’t do any of those things,” I remind her.

“Don’t lie to me. Even I knew you were intoxicated at Amber’s reception. I refuse to sit by and let you take a free ride from my grandson. You better start showing him you deserve him or you're going to have a problem with all of us.”

I ball my hands into my dress to stop myself from screaming. Mrs. Sullivan didn’t look that old to me with her caked on makeup, fake teeth and bright blonde bob. She was likely in her mid-70s, only a few years older than my Dad.

But a terrible part of me tried to take comfort in the fact that she’d be dead soon.

I was still furious at Rhett for almost killing us in that accident, but that didn’t mean I didn’t love him and  wouldn’t still defend our marriage. The only reason Mrs. Sullivan was defending Rhett was because she lied to herself.

“I love Rhett. I take care of my family--,” I say as calmly as I can.

“You better do a better job of it,” she hisses and slaps her hand on the table. Her tone getting louder. “Because let me tell you something, dear, that boy is my first grandson and I love him more than you ever will. He’s had a lot of bad things happen to him that you were not there for  and I refuse to let him go down the path of  his father’s family. He may have that Clark last name but he was raised by Sullivans and he was on a good path until you pushed your way into his life.”

“I saved his life--,” I tell her, it slips out before I even know how I’m going to back it up.

“Don’t give me that,” she snaps because she doesn’t know I mean it literally. If Rhett hadn’t left UL to chase after me he would have been arrested with the other TLs during the raid.

“You’re the mother of my first great grandson so I can’t make you go away, but I’m not going to sit by and watch this anymore. I’ve said my piece and I want you to sit here and really think about it,” she says to me like I’m a child.

With that she pushes her chair away and walks out into the living room and into the kitchen where I could hear Amber showing off her stupid dishwasher.

I put my head in my arms and silently curse Mrs. Sullivan.

A sudden soft tap on my shoulder makes me jump and I nearly topple out of the dining room chair and on to Macy’s 7-year-old daughter, Rebecca. It still unnerved me how quietly her kids moved around—even on Amber’s beautiful new hardwood floors.

 “Ms. Juliana, Mason pushed me,” Rebecca informs in a direct tone, making an unnerving amount of eye contact with me like an adult. If she notices I was close to tears she’s even smart enough not to say anything.

I frown.

“Are you sure…When ? Where ? ,” I ask.

“Yes, I’m sure. I know telling a lie is bad,” Rebecca tells me.

 

I follow her into the living room where I see Macy kneeling at Mason’s level. Mason is rubbing his eyes and Macy holds her hand out for Rebecca so she is holding both of the kid’s hands.

“Now, Mason, did you push Becca ?,” Macy asks him in a stern voice.

Mason doesn’t look at her, he starts looking at the ground, twisting in her hand hold and when she asks him again he starts whimpering.

“Pushing isn’t nice. Just say sorry to your cousin, okay ?” Macy tells him in a sweet tone.

When Mason finally repeats the word “sorry” Macy makes them hug each other. Mason only hugs Rebecca for a second before he pulls away and starts to climb up my legs. I sit on the couch and put him in my lap and he buries his head in my chest and wraps his arms around me.

“I didn’t want to make him feel bad,” Rebecca tells Macy and then she starts crying. “It’s okay. He can still play with me Mommy, I don’t care.”

“It’s okay. I think he’s just tired,” I tell her even though I’m sure it’s not true. Just moments ago he’d been running laps around the big open living room

I run my hands through Mason’s dark hair and kiss his cheek and he lets me do it. Whenever Rhett’s family got together Mason was usually so busy playing he didn’t have time to keep me company like when he was a baby.

I needed his distraction, I  rock him and drown out all the anger buzzing around me from Mrs. Sullivan’s comments about how I wasn’t good enough.

“Dessert is ready !” Amber chirps coming out the kitchen with a pot of coffee and tray of sliced cake.

She bangs on the dining room window and motions for the men to come inside. As they come inside they’re making fun of each other and Athens is teasing Ramsey about being pretty active for an older guy.

“Uh oh,” Rhett smiles, stroking Mason’s tear stained cheek with his finger. “What’s wrong now ?”

 

“You know, I just think he was a little upset ya’ll wouldn’t let him play with ya’ll,” Macy tells him.

 

“Give it a couple years, son.” Rhett says, kissing Mason’s cheek and sitting next to me.

Everyone gushes over Amber’s  cakes and I sip on the same cup of coffee for nearly an hour, waiting for someone to officially end this dinner party, so we could all go home.

“Hey, ya'll I have an announcement,” Rhett says suddenly when there is a lull in the conversation.

He stands up and the adults in the room go completely silent and everyone’s eyes go to me, but I’m looking up at Rhett, my heart in my throat.

I didn’t know about any announcement.  

There is a silence  and then Macy and Jocelyn both cup their hands over their mouths at the same time.

“Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh,” Savannah squeals and jumps up to hug me.

“Oh—no,” Rhett says realizing what they are thinking. “No, it’s not that. We’re not having a baby.”

I swear I hear someone make a sigh of relief.

“Look, ya’ll it’s been a tough year for Juliana and I,” Rhett starts, which is the understatement of the year. Porn videos, a stay at psychiatric ward, Coast Guard suspension and jail all in the same year.

“I’ve been out of work for most of this year,” Rhett continues. “But I want to share with you all that I’m going back to work—I’ve been reassigned in the Coast Guard.”

 

All of the tension in the room suddenly dissolves and everyone claps. Jocelyn jumps up and hugs him. I want to hug him too—God knows Rhett needed his job back.

“…And I’m going to be stationed in Alaska,” Rhett continues with a nervous smile.

“Alaska ?,” Jocelyn says pulling away from the hug. “You’re…moving ?,”

Rhett nods his head slowly and her expression drops, she suddenly looks so distressed.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around going to Alaska and  I’m barely listening as Mrs. Sullivan and Jocelyn immediately pepper him with the important questions I should have been asking.

 He’d still be a rescue swimmer. He was transferring in seven weeks. The base was in Kodiak, Alaska an island 200 miles off the Alaskan coast. It was a 16 hour flight from Louisiana. The warmest day  in Kodiak history was 86 degrees.

“Well, I guess Juliana will be used to the cold since she used to live in New England,” Savannah says awkwardly.

“Right.” Rhett laughs. “Well, actually I’m going to go by myself at first.”

“No you’re not,” I say. It just slips out and they all turn to me.

“I think he means the cost of living is insane in Kodiak and it’s hard to get family housing.” Athens adds. “I was stationed there for a while… It’s pretty boring.”

I suddenly realize Athens is only here so Rhett would have someone on his side. I liked Athens, but I hated that he was conspirating with Rhett.

We end up staying for another hour and a half while Athens and Rhett answer all of Jocelyn’s questions. I tune most of it out and concentrate on Mason, who'd fallen asleep in my arms before Rhett had made the announcement.  When we finally leave Athens asks me to go easy on Rhett.

I ignore him.

“You can’t go to Alaska,” I tell Rhett the moment we are on the highway. “How could you do this to me ?”

“I have to go, baby,” he says. “I can’t say no--”

“Rhett--”

“We’re not having this argument while I’m driving--”

“Yes we are,” I say, even though I did still panic whenever we were in the car together. If  he swerved the car even the slightest I’d get a rush like we were in the accident again.

“J, they were ready to cut ties with me. My entire  A-school cohort wrote me letters of support and called IA every fucking day to get me back in. Whitlow vouched  to her commander so he’d take a chance on me. They all stood up for me to get a second chance. You don’t say no after all that.”

“You’re an asshole” I tell him and he rolls his eyes.

“You’re being a bitch,” he throws back at me.

“You did that on purpose,” I shout.

“Stop shouting--”

“You made sure to tell me in front of your entire family so I couldn’t say anything.”

He is silent and I know I’m right.

“Fine,” I say. “I’m happy you got your job back. But you have to at least take us with you.”

“No,”

“Rhett--”

“Kodiak is isolated. It’s an hour plan ride from a major city. I’ll be working a lot and if you need to see a special therapist or see your Dad it would take forever. Let me just get settled in--”

“This year was supposed to be about me,” I shout at him. “And you made it about you again. I’ve put up with so much--,”

“So did I. I had to put up with your shit too. I lost my original post because of your Dad so you’re just going to suck it up and deal with it,” he shouts back.

We drive in silence and when we get to the house I change Mason and  put him in his bed, surprised he’d slept this long.

I sit behind Rhett’s laptop and work on transcribing my notebooks  for Rocket as a distraction while I wait for Rhett to get out of the shower. When he comes into the bedroom I know what I have to do but before I can do it he hands me a small cardboard box with a long clinical name on the front.

I open the box  and see a blister pack of white pills.

“What is this?,” I ask

“Suboxone,” he says. “It helps you detox--”

“I know what it does,” I tell him. I’d heard about it from other inmates. I knew it was impossible to get. “How did you get this ?”

“Don’t ask,” he tells me. “I paid a shit ton for it. I know you’re still taking heroin--”

“No I’m not,” I lie.

“Don’t fucking lie to my face,” he says. “I just figured when I went to Alaska it might be better if you were clean--,”

“Rhett, if you go to Alaska I’m leaving you,” I tell him.

“Excuse me ?”

“If you go to Alaska without me I’m leaving you,” I repeat looking at the computer screen. “ I’m not going to wait for you in this town. I hate being in this house alone, I don’t have a driver’s licenses anymore and  everyone here hates me.”

“Damn it, J, you can’t just run from shit all the time. Where are you going ?,” he asks me. “You put most of that money your daddy gave you in your arm and we’re not legally married so I don’t have to pay you alimony,”

“I’ll just go live with my Dad,” I tell him.

“No you won’t.”

“There are places I can go,” I tell Rhett. “You won’t even know where we are.”

“So, now you want to go to jail for kidnapping?,” he retorts. “Look J, I won’t be gone that long. I already have to deal with Mama’s bullshit and I’m not dealing with yours.  It’s happening and you need to suck it up. This is the life. You knew what you signed up for when you married me.”

“I guess I didn’t,” I admit closing he computer. “Take us with you or I’m leaving.”

 

***

Rhett

“13:12” Athens says, clicking the waterproof stopwatch around his neck.

“Shit. Fuck.” I curse, swimming towards the shallower end of the Olympic sized pool.

“Let’s do it again,” Athens says, slapping my arm. My arms are so numb I don’t even feel it.

“I’m beat,” I tell him unstrapping the 20 pounds weights from legs and floating in the water on my back.

I hadn’t realized how much of my physical fitness I’d let lapse in the last few months. I’d managed to add time to all my drills. Now I had less than four weeks to get myself back in shape to prove myself to the team at Base Kodiak.

“You’ll get there,” Athens says treading the water with me. He’d agreed to help train me now that he was back at Base New Orleans . “Has your family adjusted to you leaving?”

“My mom is still freaking out, but she’s accepted it. Juliana…she…well, she hasn’t left me yet.”

Athens laughs like I’m making a joke even though I’m not. She’d threatened to leave  nearly every day and had even once packed a suitcase, but she always changed her mind.

“It’s a shitty situation,” he tells me.

“Yeah,” I agree. “I love her and I really worry about leaving her on her own sometimes--”

“Hey, I’ll be around,” Athens smiles. “I’ll check in on her and Mason every now and then if you want.”

“Thanks,” I tell him.

Athens times my 750 meter swim and when I can finally get thirty seconds shaved off I decide to take him out for a beer for his trouble. It’s late, almost 11PM when we get out of the water and the pool area is empty.

Except for woman leaning against the pool doors with a purple chevron rolling bag and a microphone in her hand. The last woman in the world I wanted to see.

Rocket Olsen waves when she sees me walking over to her, I turn around to see if Athens notices me going to Olsen, but he already disappeared into the locker rooms to change.

“Are you recording me?,” I greet Olsen, trying to hold back some hostility.

“Oh, no. No, I’m just getting some room noise,” she says pressing some buttons on her handheld sound board.

She plays back the sound of splashing water, the air conditioning and the pools cleaning filters. As I listen to her recording I notice her looking my mostly naked body up and down and it kind of makes me laugh that she looks a little uncomfortable.

“I don’t want to be interviewed,” I tell her and she looks crestfallen. “Are you here to talk to Juliana ? She ain't here.” 

Olsen purses her lips.

“Actually I’m here to talk to you,” she says. “On or off the record…hopefully on ?”

“Is this really what you do ?,” I ask her. “You just go around recording people and asking personal questions for no god damn reason.”

“Yep.” She looks proud and then she breaks into a small laugh. “Look, I don’t want to be out too late, I’m actually giving a presentation in Arkansas and I drove over here to see you. Juliana mentioned to me in an e-mail about your new assignment and I figured you’d be here. I’ve actually been watching you swim for a while. Great techni--”

“What do you want ?,” I ask her.

“Well,” she smiles. “I don’t know if you know but I’m writing a book on United Light--”

I shake my head to cut her off. I’d learned better than to mix UL shit with the Coast Guard.

“Let’s not talk here,” I tell her.

I throw on my sweatshirt and walk her out to my truck, she struggles to carry her microphone, a tote bag and her rolling bag and I help her even though I don’t want to encourage her to start recording.

“Like I said, I’m writing a book,” she begins once the car doors are closed.

“I heard,” I tell her. “Way to profit off people’s pain--”

“It’s not like that,” she says in a dismissive tone.

“Really ?”

“I’m not getting rich off this,” she tells me. “I’m just a storyteller. I want to tell the story of what really happened so it’s not forgotten. Juliana’s a great resource, I like her a lot but her perspective on UL is biased—it’s all she knows so she can’t see her own bias. I’m not entirely sure I can tell her story without yours.”

“I thought the book was about UL, not her ?”

“Oh, it is mostly UL” Rocket says. “And I am balls deep in tax records, news clippings and court records but I do need some  context and you'd be a great source. You’re one of the few people who voluntarily joined UL and managed to leave. I just want to do one interview with you for the book.”

“Look, I don’t want to be rude or anything, but fuck no,” I tell her. “I don’t want to be a part of this at all.”

She bites her lip and crosses her arm.

“Why are you so resistant ?,” she asks.

“Did you not see what happened with that porn website ?  When people see blood in the water they attack.”

“Yeah, that sucked and I'm sorry if any of that was my fault but this is different,” she says. "There's a story here."

"Not really," I say. "I ain't proud of any of that shit."

"That doesn't mean it didn't happen."

“Can I give you some advice ?,” I ask her, switching subjects.

“Sure,” she smiles.

“Give up on the book. Write about something else. Nothing good is going to come out of Juliana reliving that shit. It fucked her up bad.”

“Can I give you some advice ?,” she says, casually putting a hand on my shoulder.

“No, but I bet you’ll do it anyway,”

“Just…be careful,” she tells me gathering up her equipment and putting it in her purple bag.

“Is that a threat or something ?,” I ask partially amused

“No,” she says zipping up the bag. “Just…In my tenure in the Coast Guard IA the Coast Guard was sued twice, both by families who had loved ones die in the Alaskan Gulf. That place is unforgiving, you know ?”

I nod. I did know that.

With that she opens the car door and walks out into the night.

 

 

 

***

Juliana

 

-3-

I jump when I hear the front door open at midnight. I’m lying with Mason in his bed and he is thankfully still asleep after waking up crying from a nightmare. We hadn’t told him that Rhett was leaving us for a while and I wasn’t sure how he was going to take it.

Rhett walks into the bedroom and kisses Mason’s cheek, then he kisses me on the lips—it’s barely a kiss, he just brushes my lips. He smells like chlorine and faintly of beer.

He takes my hand and pulls me out of Mason’s bedroom and once we’re in the living room he kisses me again and I let him. We hadn’t been intimate in weeks, he was still sleeping on the couch, and I don’t know what’s gotten into him but he walks me backwards into our darkened bedroom.

He seems so desperate so I don’t stop him as he pulls his clothes off and starts to undress me. We topple and tangle into the sheets, he runs his tongue over my body until my legs fall open for him. When he starts kissing my lips again they’re soft, eager kisses. His hips match the slow, deliberate rhythm of his mouth and I melt into the bed under his heat.

When he finishes my body feels like it’s on fire.

“Rhett what has--,” he interrupts me with a kiss.                                

We make love twice more and when he rolls off me for the last time my lips and legs are sore, but I don’t entirely mind it.

“I love you, Juliana,” he says, putting his arms around me and pulling me until my head rested on his bare chest.

“I know,” I say.

He swallows.

“I know I’ve done you wrong and I know you’re pissed about my assignment. But I’m not leaving because you don’t matter. I never want to leave you or Mason for a single day but, this is just a thing I have to do. I have an obligation. Like with Hurricane Katrina. Once I’m done I’ll get more choices.”

“I know,” I say, suddenly realizing I didn’t know what I’d signed up for when I married Rhett. His job was important and would always take priority over me.

“I’ve burned through all of my vacations so I won’t have a lot of leave. I need to work a lot of overtime to earn more,” he tells me. “But when I do get leave I want to be able to come back to Freeport. Everyone I love is here and that’s where I want you to be…for now, anyway.”

I just nod my head and I was going to resign to letting him go.

“There’s a reason no one like the Kodiak assignment,” Rhett tells me. “I hadn’t really thought about it much, but the Alaskan Gulf water is fucking dangerous--,”

“What ?,” I say, rising from his chest to look him in the eye. He’d said the base was a small island, he’d never said it was dangerous.

“I’ll be fine—I mean I’ll be careful and all,” he says stroking my face. “But freak accidents happen. They could happen anywhere I go to work—it’s the nature of the job--”

“Rhett--”

“I don’t think I’ve been very honest about that,” he says looking me in the eye. “And I know I’ve been shitty to you and I know we’re going to have  fights, but I’m not walking out that door to do my job without showing and telling you how much I love you. Because there’s a chance--”

He stops himself and now I’m crying.  He made my life difficult sometimes but I couldn’t comprehend the idea of him dying and it hurt just to think about.

“You love me ?,” I ask him.

He nods.

“Then please don’t take this assignment,” I tell him. He shakes his head and I run my hand over the stubble on his cheek until he looks at me. “Our luck has never been that good.”

 

***

The day Rhett leaves he reminds me to put his new will in the safety deposit box.

At the airport I put the bravest smile possible on my face.

When I get back home I hide in the backyard and push the biggest syringe I can find into my arm.