-1-

“Are you okay ?,” Dr. Ivanson asks me.

“Yes,” I snap and then switch my tone. “Yes, I’m fine. Sorry”

I hadn’t meant to snap at her. I was just sick of people asking me that question. I was detoxing, pregnant and fighting with my husband who was 4,000 miles away doing God knows what; I wasn’t planning on being okay for a while.

I look down to see she is holding out the prescription and I take it from her.

“Thank you,” I say folding it into the pocket of my skirt.

She walks me out of her office and just was we enter the small waiting room, an intense nausea rolls over me.  I speed walk to the bathroom by the front desk and throw up the smoothie I’d made for breakfast into the toilet. I sit on the bathroom floor until most of the nausea passes and then walk back out to the waiting room where Jocelyn was casually talking to Dr. Ivanson.

Jocelyn had somehow got Mason to sit quietly on the doctor office floor and color in his new coloring book. He runs over to grab my hand to show me something, but I’m not paying attention to him. I’m looking at Jocelyn and Dr. Ivanson and wondering if they were talking about me. I knew it was illegal for the doctor to tell Jocelyn anything about me, but the Clarks had a way with people.

“Are you--,” Jocelyn starts.

“I’m fine,” I cut her off and she glares at me.

I suddenly feel guilty. She’d taken two hours out of her work day to drive me to the specialty Prenatal Women’s Clinic in New Orleans so I could get a specialist to prescribe a mild antidepressant I could take while pregnant.

We drive to the pharmacy to pick up the prescription before Jocelyn takes us to her house for dinner—which I was thankful for. The smell of our gas stove made my nausea worse and we’d been mostly surviving on cold cuts, cereal and sandwiches—which Mason didn’t seem to mind.

But the electric burners from Jocelyn’s stove smelled just as strong and I end up gagging into the toilet the minute she turns them on. I make the mistake of leaving the bathroom door open and Mason comes into the bathroom behind me. He tries  to push my head into the toilet.

He'd did this to me at the house when I was detoxing, it caught me off guard and I freaked out--which he thought was hilarious.

“Stop it, honey,” I tell him pushing away.

 He tries to push my head into the toilet again and I move out the way just in time. He laughs.

 I still didn’t know how to manage him sometimes. Most days he was fine but he was starting to deliberately misbehave more and didn't understand right and wrong.

When I finally start throwing up in the toilet he catches me off guard and manages to get the tip of my nose and my mouth into the toilet bowl.

 I scream from the shock and he just laughs.

I pick him up and he starts kicking at my stomach  and I have to put him down. He immediately runs out the bathroom to go tell on me to Jocelyn.

Like clockwork Jocelyn steps into the bathroom minutes later, while I’m rubbing antibacterial hand soap on my face and swishing mouthwash. I  spit the mouthwash out and wipe my face with the hem of my shirt and her gaze seems to linger on my bare stomach.

“I think he’s acting like this because Rhett-,” I start but she cuts me off.

“It’s weird you still have nausea this bad.” she tells me, her eyebrows creased.

“I was this way the whole time with Mason,” I remind her.

“Maybe. But you were…bigger,” she says leaning against the door. “Are you sure you’re ten weeks ?,”

“Yes,” I tell her letting go of my shirt to cover my stomach again.

“Because some people in the family are a little…concerned,” she sighs. “Well, confused I guess.”

“About what ?,” I ask even though I know where this headed. “You think I cheated on Rhett  ?,”

“No,” she says, offended. “I just think the timing feels off and it’s…convenient that you find out you’re pregnant almost to the date that  Rhett left--”

“Did Amber say this ?,” I ask

“No,” she says quickly. “It doesn’t matter… I mean Rhett did ask me about how to count the weeks when we talked on the phone. I don’t know…I just think maybe once you’re farther along you should get a paternity test for his sake--”

“No,” I tell her. I try and leave the bathroom but she’s blocking me in. “It’s his baby.”

“Well, I know you were having some substance abuse issues and Deacon assures me no one around here is selling to you so I do wonder how you--” 

“I didn’t have sex with anyone for drugs,” I say, desperate. “I would never break my vows--”

“But you did. You sent explicit photos to men in the neighborhood didn’t you ? Is that how you show how much you respect my son? Doing that kind of disgusting thing in a house we gave you ? ” she asks her eyebrows raised.

“Rhett told you about those pictures ?”

“He didn’t have to,” she said her voice suddenly venomous. “Word gets around when you do dumb shit like that. And if those rumors were true Lord in heaven knows what else is true--”

“I didn’t sleep with anyone for anything. I apologized for the photos what more can I do--”

“You don’t know what you did when you were using. Deacon tells me the stories about heroin. You could have been passed out or been too high to even remember,” she tells me. “Look, if I have another grandchild I’m happy, I really am and Rhett’s a good daddy--,”

I roll my eyes and she gives me a deathly disapproving gaze I needed to learn to use on Mason.

“My mother was right about you,” Jocelyn snaps. “You are so disrespectful and ungrateful after everything this family has done for you. You will get the paternity test. I refuse to watch my son raise a child that isn’t his--”

“It’s his !” I shout at her.

“Then what’s the problem ?,” she asks. “Do the test. I’ll pay for it.”

“No.”

I didn’t know why I was putting my foot down about this. I’d spent the last weeks crying and throwing up and  trying to keep it together for Mason. And somehow they’d all convinced themselves I’d been sleeping around.

“Listen to me, girl,” she says in a low tone. “My baby boy is all the way up there doing his job, serving his country and this is the one thing he asked for-”

“So, this was all Rhett’s idea ? He wants me to take the test ?,” I ask her

“Partially. Yes. And I think after this year of crap it’s the least you can do. He just wants the truth.” she says.

“Well, I don’t care,” I say.

I push past her and walk out the front door. I mean to just sit on the porch, but I can hear her following me and I don't need another lecture about what Rhett wants and how it's more important than what I want so I keep walking.

 

I see Cody’s car is in his driveway but something tells me I’m not allowed to be in cars with men anymore.  Because even though Rhett hooked up with half the women in this town I’m the one who can’t be trusted.

I keep walking until I’m out of the neighborhood and then I just start walking home. It feels good to be alone for once and I have a brief fantasy of running away and being on my own again. I could go to a restaurant or drive a car with no selfish toddler crying and screaming.

Instead I take my prepaid cell phone out. I consider calling Rhett’s cell phone but I call his office phone instead because I knew he hated when I did that.

I get the away message which is what I expected.

“You motherfucking son of a bitch,” I say into the phone, hating the words coming out my mouth. “And I mean that. You’re a son of a bitch. Your mother can go to hell. This baby is yours, I’m not getting a paternity test and when I see you again I’m going to make your life a living hell--”

I have to stop because the phone runs out of minutes. I throw it in the trash. I’d only used it to call Rhett and I didn’t think I’d ever feel like talking to him again.

I make a wrong turn and get lost, but I manage to get back home in an hour. Our house is empty and there is a message on the home phone. I assume it’s from Rhett but I hear another voice instead.

“Hey, Juliana this is Rocket. So, I have some news…I’m taking a sabbatical from work…well, actually I kinda resigned from my position at the paper. I’m going back freelance so I can concentrate on the book. Anyway, I e-mailed you my first chapters and I want to schedule a time to come and visit you in person for follow up. Give me a call back. Ciao!”

I stare at the phone and then call Rocket back immediately.

“Hello?” she answers brightly.

“It’s me. Um, Juliana.” I tell her.

“Yeah, I recognized your number. Hey, so did you get my message ? I can come down anytime. I’m free as a bird…well a bird with a rent payment due--”

“About that interview,” I ask her.  “Can I come to you instead ?”

“Oh.Are you taking a vacation to here or something ?”

“No, I’m just doing what I do best apparently.”

“What’s that--”

“Running,”