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Dear Rhett,
Do you remember this ? Writing letters ?
Dorian explained to me how to make sure the letters got to you at the port. I hope this one gets to you on the right day.
I want you to know how I remember you when I think back on our relationship. I remember you waiting for me in the snow and taking me to a football game at the Coast Guard Academy. I remember you held my hand and I remember watching you cheer on your team and how it made me smile. I remember wanting to know everything about you.
I know
everything about you now Rhett. I know how you like the thermostat, how
you sleep, how you take your coffee and what all your little wordless
expressions mean. I know you love a good party. I know you love people.
So, it confuses me that when you were in college you still came to see
me, a girl who couldn’t talk to you. That you would
just sit with me and listen to music or play in the snow.
Your letters meant so much to me when I was in jail. I was so lonely and so scared and you broke up those moments of fear for me.
We have our ups and downs but I have always loved you. You made me feel human when no one else did.
Happy Anniversary,
xoxo Juliana
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Juliana,
I just got your letter, by now you should have gotten the flowers. Since you’ve kept all my letters from college you know I was never any good at this. I was never as detailed or as good at is as you were.
Know that I miss you. My job is intense but it’s also lonely. I miss kissing you when I leave for work, I miss holding you in my arms, I miss falling asleep in bed with you, I miss looking up at every meal and seeing your face.
I love that you’re my wife and I swear there will be an anniversary where I’m not working. I haven’t been the best husband to you this year, but I swear I’ll do better. I promise I’ll make all of this shit worth it one day. I love you. Give Mason lots of hugs and kisses for me.
Happy Anniversary,
Rhett
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Rhett,
In case you can’t tell I’m back in Freeport. Rocket is back in Charleston working on her edits. I decided to come back since I could tell my Dad (and Hallie) needed his quiet order back.
I went to church with Aubrey and Wil today…their church is fun. Wil plays guitar ? Aubrey is such a good mom. Mason and I started on the storage room. I’m happy he’ll have someone new to play with soon.
I found some stuff from our first apartment. Do you remember that apartment? It had such good memories and now the building looks abandoned and scary.
Juliana
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Rhett,
How is Oregon ?
I
have to confess something to you that I can’t say on the phone. Please
don’t be mad. Everything’s fine and you should concentrate on work and
by the time you get this will have been days ago.
My back hurt
so bad I couldn’t get up yesterday. I think it’s because I’ve been
sleeping in Mason’s bed. I'm just trying to get him to sleep in his own bed but then I fall asleep. Anyway my back was killing me and I took a sliver of a Vicodin I found and then I
suddenly really wanted to use heroin. Like really badly. I didn’t
though. I don't think I can have painkillers anymore.
I was talking to someone and they suggested I consider giving birth at home with a midwife. That way I won’t be tempted to get an epidural. and don't have to deal with the hospital. I’m looking for a midwife now, they have them all over the place so maybe I can give birth wherever you are and you can be there too. I really want you to be there this time.
Juliana
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Rhett,
I took Mason to visit your grandmother and she gave me a cookbook and told me I should learn something while you were gone so I made a lasagna today. Your mom made that the first time I met her. Do you remember that ? I know that's not exciting or interesting but I can’t reach you on the phone and I felt like writing to you. I’ve added a picture Mason drew today.
Juliana
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Juliana,
You wouldn’t believe how fucking insane these offshore fishers are. We had to medivac this man from a fishing vessel today because he was having stomach pain. When we got him out and to the hospital his appendix had ruptured. Like it exploded in his body. Apparently he’d been in pain for two days but he was planning to tough through it. He’s in ICU now.
They extended commercial fishing season so my mission has been extended a week. I’m not sure where I’m going next. I’ll send you more info when I get it.
Tell everyone I love them.
Rhett
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Rhett,
Amber
had something called a gender reveal party…where does she come up with
this ? The gender was in the color of the cake. The cake was pink and she’s having a girl and I
think West is a little disappointed. I went to Aubrey and Wil’s
because it was Sam’s birthday today too, Mason was helping to teach Noah
Presley to walk. It was cute and I think he'll do good with the baby. I sent some pictures.
I found a midwife I like, she's nice and so smart. I'm sending you some books she said we should read. She said it's a decision we should make together, even if you can't be here.
I found a cheap plane ticket to Oregon for next week. Can I come visit you ? We can talk about this.
Juliana
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Rhett,
Rocket
is coming to Louisiana take some pictures of the commune and I told her
I’d go with her. I just thought you should know.
Mason was so good today. No crying or throwing things. Cody came over and we had a picnic in the front yard. Your mom is back on the pageant circuit and Savannah and I went out to dinner together. She’s planning her college tours in the fall. She wants me to go with her but I told her I probably won’t be able to because I'll be too pregnant.
I know that when this year is up we’ll go somewhere new together…but sometimes I don’t mind it here.
Juliana
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Juliana,
I’m sorry I haven’t written and we’ve barely talked. I’ll call you later today. These last few days have been so busy I’m not even sure what day it is. Send me a recent picture of you and Mason. It hurts being away from you this long.
Rhett
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Rhett,
I had my 27 week appointment. We found a coupon and went to the store and had a photo taken. I’ve included some photos and an ultrasound. I can’t get over how old Mason looks.
I was online and I found a cheap plane ticket to Oregon for next week. The link is below. Can I come visit you ? (;
Juliana
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From: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
To: Juliesheart@aol.com
It’s late and I don’t want to call and wake Mason up. I’d love for you to visit me (believe me I do), but I’m going to Hong Kong for a few days. Captain Jeffries just told me. He wants me to attend some International Affairs thing then I’m going back out on the Bering Sea. It’s hectic, but I promise I’ll be home soon.
I can’t believe how pregnant you look in that photo.
Call me in the morning, okay ?
Rhett
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From: juliesheart@aol.com
Rhett,
Mason has the flu so I had to leave him with your Mom and Savannah yesterday. I’ve been crying for the last four hours and you’re not answering your phone and I can’t believe you’re going to China. I haven’t been alone this much in years and I don’t think I remember how to do it. I think I’m having a panic attack and writing to you is calming me down a little bit.
I’ve never seen Mason this sick before. He was throwing up and crying and he wouldn’t get out of bed. He asked me to make it stop and I couldn’t. I couldn’t even hold him because of the baby. I need you to come back home Rhett. Can you at least give me a date ?
Juliana
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From: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
I’m so sorry I’ve been off the grid, but they're putting a lot more responsibility on me. I’m heading to an FOL, but I’ve asked for a break soon.
Rhett
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To: juliesheart@aol.com
From: rocket.olsen@gmail.com
Subject: Ahhhh !
Hey Juliana !
Holy Moses, did
you see the video of Rhett’s fall was on the USCG blog ? Here is a link to the story.
I called a contact in IA so I know he is fine but that sounds fucking terrifying. Holy crap ! I hope everyone is doing well. Also, did you ever see that The Guardian movie ? I don’t know why but I have a Bruce Willis thing, lol !
Anyway, I’m working on the South
Florida arrangements with Raleigh. Are you sure you don’t want me to
reserve a room for you at the Miami Westgate Resort with me ? I know it’s
pricey, but I don’t mind paying half of your room.
Rocket
~*~*~*~*
Rocket Olsen, M.F.A
Freelance Journalist
Rocket.olsen@gmail.com
KL5-7933
The pen is mightier than the sword and considerably easier to write with.
- Marty Feldman
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From: Juliesheart@aol.com
Subject: FWD: Ahhhh !
Fuck you Rhett. Look at this e-mail I got from Rocket. You fall off a cliff and I have to find out from a blog post ? ? Why do you always have to make me look stupid ? Call me !
Juliana
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From: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
Honey, I’m
fine, I’m back at work already. It was just a sprain and I was trying not to
stress you out. What the hell is that about you and Rocket going to South Florida ? Why is she talking to Raleigh ? What's going on ? I need you to call me.
Rhett
----
From: Juliesheart@aol.com
Rhett,
I was going to tell you, but I wanted to do it in person.
Rocket’s
editors really liked what she did with my Dad's interview and they want her to get rid of her first drafts and
turn her book into something called an oral history. She’s going down to
South Florida to meet with the former UL members who live there as soon
as her advance comes through. I’m going to go with her too.
Remember that friend who told me about getting a midwife ? It was Cecilia Winston-Hills. She’s a midwife in Florida now, we've been e-mailing. Do you remember her ? Her husband’s name was Greg.
We can talk about this later, but I’m going to have to start telling people that I was in UL. I think most of them have figured it out anyway.
Juliana
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From: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
To: juliesheart@aol.com
Juliana,
Are you fucking crazy ? You’re 5 months pregnant and have a 3 year-old. You can’t just go to South Florida. You wanted to keep the baby and that means you have to make some sacrifices. Mason needs to be in pre-school this Fall. I’m forwarding you some information.
Remember the plan ?
I finish my year here in Kodiak, put in a permanent change of station back to New Orleans, get my lieutenant promotion in a couple of years and transfer somewhere nice. We can have a good life and this Rocket and UL shit can only mess it up.
Rhett
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From: juliesheart@aol.com
To: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
Rhett,
I wasn’t asking your permission. I called the school and they said he can start pre-school next year and I can make sure he knows the basics. I can teach him while we’re in Florida.
I talked to Rocket and we’re leaving the last week in November, the interviews are already set up and Cecilia gave me the information for a doctor I can see and she said she'd look at me. She's a certified midwife, they're like nurses. I’ve already made appointments.
Rocket told me she is working on interviewing Caine…I figure she and Raleigh can get my annulment while they are there.
When are you coming home ? I feel like we need to talk about this in person.
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From: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
To: juliesheart@aol.com
Juliana,
I managed to get the entire week of Thanksgiving off. I'll be home then. Cancel your trip and I’ll take you on a second honeymoon.
Rhett
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From: juliesheart@aol.com
To: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
TWO MONTHS ?
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From: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
To: juliesheart@aol.com
Juliana,
We’ve done 2 months before. I’m sorry, they need me.
Rhett
--
From: juliesheart@aol.com
To: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
Rhett,
Not
when you’ve already been gone 4 months. It’s not fair. You’re missing
everything. I need help. I’m mailing you some more books you need to read in case you
happen to be around when this baby is born. Rocket's pushing the trip back so I can spend Thanskgiving with you, but I'm still going.
---
From: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
To: juliesheart@aol.com
Juliana,
It sucks. I know. I’ve put my flight information below. I come in the afternoon of Thanksgiving Day. See if you can get a ride to the airport and we’ll have some time that’s just the two of us. We can hash out his whole Rocket / Florida thing and whatever else.
Also, stop sending me books. I don't have a place for them. If you think you can give birth to this baby at home I trust you.
Rhett
--
From: juliesheart@aol.com
To: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
Rhett,
Too late. Your Mom knows about the flight. She’s hosting Thanksgiving dinner at her house and making everyone go to the airport to greet you. All of them. Amber is arranging rides.
Mason asks me everyday how long until you come back. He’ so excited to see you.
---
From: juliesheart@aol.com
To: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
Rhett,
I’m counting down the days until you come home for Mason. See ? I’m teaching him math. I had a chai tea today and the baby started happy dancing. In 58 days you’ll get to feel it too.
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From: juliesheart@aol.com
To: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
Rhett,
In 56 days we’re going to be asleep in the same bed
Juliana
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From: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
To: juliesheart@aol.com
Juliana,
I can count too. In 50 days, we’ll be in the bed, but we won’t be sleeping
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From: juliesheart@aol.com
To: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
Rhett,
In 47 days we’ll see about that.
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From: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
To: juliesheart@aol.com
Juliana,
In 40 days I’ll see about a lot of things
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From: juliesheart@aol.com
To: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
Rhett,
In 35 days you’ll apologize to me in person for what you said to me on the phone today. Also, you’re lucky Cecelia sent me this study that said frequent intimacy will make the delivery easier.
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From: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
To: juliesheart@aol.com
Juliana,
You don’t have to wait 34 days for that apology. I’m sorry. We're short staffed and I had a rough night.
---
From: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
To: juliesheart@aol.com
30 days. Okay ? Just one month.
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From: juliesheart@aol.com
To: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
Rhett,
Here are photos from Aubrey's Halloween party.They don’t make Coast Guard Halloween costumes so Mason is a firefighter. Still cute, right ? 26 days
Juliana
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From: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
To: juliesheart@aol.com
Juliana,
I don’t know what to say. I know it hurts. But you’re beautiful. You’re an amazing mother. I’m sorry it’s so hard. I’m so sorry. I wish I could take it from you. Call me anytime just to leave a message I’ll listen. 23 days. Just 23 days.
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From: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
To: juliesheart@aol.com
Juliana,
Do you still pray for me ? I’m not religious but I felt it today. It’s been a stressful two weeks.
---
From: juliesheart@aol.com
To: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
Rhett,
Every night.
Juliana,
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From: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
To: juliesheart@aol.com
I stayed up all night thinking about you.
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From: juliesheart@aol.com
To: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
Rhett,
I’m sorry for what I said to you. I can’t wait until you see what I make for Thanksgiving.
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From: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
To: juliesheart@aol.com
Juliana,
I’m sorry too. I can’t wait to kiss you. That’s all I want. Is to kiss you so bad it hurts.
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From: juliesheart@aol.com
To: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
Rhett,
I’m sure that’s not all you want.
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From: rclark@uscg.mil.gov
To: juliesheart@aol.com
Juliana,
I’m typing this quick message to say I love you and then I’m packing my laptop. I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon.
Love,
Rhett
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A/N
....And we're back to the prologue.
Oh, when I said gender reveal did you think I meant Rhett and Juliana's baby ?