-1-

It was pitch black outside when the 59 train pulled into the Baton Rouge station. At the sight of the brightly lit station the butterflies in my stomach took off in full flight. The conductors walked through the train announcing the stop and when I stood up to get my carry on bag my back ached from all the sitting.

What the hell did I think I was doing ?

While letters and e-mails were a constant between us,  Rhett Clark and I hadn’t spoken in years.

I want to say I recognized  his brilliant blue-green eyes immediately but I don’t. As I step off the train and search the platform  my eyes glaze over every face looking for familiarity.  I do a double take when I catch someone waving at me.

His uniform gives him away instantly. He’s dressed in a crisp light  blue shirt with colorful badges and dark blue pants. His hair is shorter than I remember, but the longer I look at him the more familiar his face becomes. I walk over to him and we are both rendered speechless taking each other in.

I wondered if I looked different to him. I knew my hair was longer and I’d lost some weight but I was sure he wouldn’t notice.

I was wearing a pair of  long cargo pants and had tied one of Tessa’s pink shrugs over a pair of tank tops. The top of my chest was exposed and  it was the most skin I’d shown in a while.

“Um, hi,” he says and laughs.

His smile is so wide. His laugh is awkward, horse and so familiar.

“Hi,” I smile.

His smile widens at the sound of my voice and he opens his arm to hug me and I lean into it. His embrace is tight and he smells like clean aftershave. Dad had been concerned seeing Rhett would be triggering, but it was the opposite; seeing him made me feel optimistic, because he seemed, in that moment, so normal. If he could move on, so could I.

“You ready to meet everybody ?,” he asks. His accent sounds thicker than I remember. He takes my  yellow Goodwill suitcase and rolls it behind him.

I nod my head. I still wasn’t used to using my voice.

“Yes,” I add and he grins again.

Rhett drives a black pick up truck that smells new. He opens the door for me and inside I see there are two milkshakes in the cup holders.

“There’s this great drive-in near where I work in New Orleans,” he explains as I get in. “You can have whatever flavor you like best. Don’t tell my mom though—she’ll throw a fit if she finds out I ruined your dinner.”

I smile at that.

One of the milkshakes is peanut butter and the other is banana chocolate. I taste them both and choose the peanut butter one and it feels oddly intimate when Rhett takes the other, drinking out of the straw I’d just tasted it with.

It’s an hour  drive from the train station to Freeport and Rhett plays me music and talks about baseball. I stare at his face in profile, waiting for the ugly feelings of resentment to come back so I could be ready to combat them.

But they never came.

His neighborhood of  mismatched pastel houses is nothing like the cookie cutter subdivisions I had seen in the rich Hartford neighborhoods or the drabness of our withering apartment complex.

 It looked like a well worn home.

As soon as I open the car door, the front door of the house creaks opens and his mother, Jocelyn Clark, steps out. She has the same dark hair as Rhett, only hers has a wave to it and covers her shoulders. She’s followed by Rhett’s 14-year-old sister, Savannah, who has the same exact bright eyed, dark haired features as Rhett. It’s startling how alike they all look.

“Thank you for having me,” I say after the introductions are made.

“You’ll sleep in my room tonight,” Savannah said. “Then tomorrow night my friends are coming over, so you have to sleep in Rhett’s bed.”

“Rhett will sleep across the street at the Gradys,” Jocelyn added quickly.

I smile and nod and follow them inside where Jocelyn had made a lasagna. At dinner Rhett carefully navigates the conversations about me. He asks me about Connecticut weather, my new waitressing job and my Dad.

Nothing about Florida, the years I’d spent in jail, my anxiety or about other United Light members.

When dinner was over I tried to help with dishes like Tess has said I should, but Jocelyn wouldn’t let me. I was tired and Rhett showed me where everything was so I could shower and get into bed. A part of me really liked how he was doting over me. It had been so long since someone took care of me.

Savannah had a king sized bed and her room was covered in pictures of teen boys—who suddenly looked very young to me. I smiled when I saw the Firehouse 58 ASPCA Charity Calendar hanging near her desk. Fireman and puppies---just like Rhett wrote in his letter.

“Thank you for sharing your room,” I tell Savannah when she slides into the bed next to me.

“It’s okay. My friends and I do it all the time,” she laughs. “We can fit four of us in here!”

“So, um Rhett told me the Memorial’s Day party was your idea ?,” I say

“Yeah…there’s this guy I’m kind of interested in. His name is Caleb… he’s a helper with me at Sunday School and I wanted a reason to invite him over. And, I mean it’s also a reason to have a family and friends over too.”

“You teach Sunday School ?,” I ask her.

“More like pass out paper and clean up. They pay me in gift certificates which is awesome except I have to get someone to drive me to the closest Starbucks 20 miles away.” she laughs

We got a lot of free Bibles at the halfway house. It always bothered me that Caine had told me he was inspired by the Book of Job to test my mother’s faith in him. I  took one off the free Bibles and read the whole thing a few times but I never really understood it.

“I’m excited for the party.” I tell her, even though it’s a lie. I’m so nervous that I don’t think I could sleep. “I’ve never been to a cook out before.”

She makes an indistinguishable excited sound and then we’re silent for a while.

“I guess we’ll have to get used to sleeping like this if you are dating Rhett,” she breaks the silence, turning off the light.

“Oh, I don’t think we’re dating,” I tell her. And I didn’t. We’d never even been on a date. Or kissed.

“Oh, sorry,” she says. “It’s just he’s never bought a girl to stay at the house before.”

“Really ?,” I say

“Yeah,”

 

 

-2-

***

“Brooks, you should hear what those Navy guys say about ya’ll,” Rhett laughs running a hand through  his dripping  wet hair. “My favorite one is that Marine is  an acronym for Muscle Are Required, Intelligence Not Essential.”

“Those motherfucking closet cases.” Rhett’s friend Zane Brooks says and then he quickly turns to me.  “Sorry,”

“It’s fine,” I say watching my feet dance in the pool.

I was more bothered by the fact that his friend felt like he had to apologize for cursing in front of me. I had much worse said around me and to me in the last few years.

Rhett has woken me up at 6AM and told me he wanted to go swimming. His neighbor and best friend Cody Grady cleaned the Freeport Community Pool and the owner agreed to let Cody open it up early just for us.

I’d heard a lot about Cody in Rhett’s letters to me, but Zane was new to me.

 On the drive over to the pool Rhett told me that Zane was the best linebacker on the  football team and the high school salutatorian. He’d decided  to join the Marine Corp right after high school and they'd never been in Freeport at the same time since.

He and Rhett had similar bodies, they were muscular and broad---they glided through the pool effortlessly. Now that he was shirtless I noticed that the TL brand Rhett had once had on his shoulder was covered by a  thick black band of ink that went around his large bicep. I’d kept the UL brand on my wrist covered with a plastic pink watch I’d gotten at a Tampa rest stop three years ago.

“Do you know what they call the lowest ranking position in the Navy ?,” Zane laughs.  “Seaman. It’s like they make it easy to make fun of them. Do ya’ll know what they call the lowest ranking Marine ?”

“A Marine,” Cody finishes exasperated. He’d  probably been hearing conversations like this for the last few summers.

“So, okay, let me get these insults straight,” Rhett says. “Marine’s are meathead muscles, Navymen are cocksuckers, and Army guys are never home to fuck their wives. The hell do you guys say behind the Coast Guard’s back ?”

“Nothing,” Zane smiles. “No one knows you guys exist.”

“Asshole,” Rhett says, he goes underwater and  pulls Zane down with him. They start wrestling; splashing water  across the pool.

Cody looked over to me from where he is floating on his back in an inflatibale and shakes his head.

“Hey! You gettin’ in ?,” Cody calls to me.

“I’m not a good swimmer,” I told him. The truth was I didn’t want to a take my swimsuit cover off in front of  boys I’d just met.

Although a part of me felt like I knew Cody from  Rhett’s letter and e-mails to me. I knew that he and Rhett were neighbors and friends since they were kids. Cody  had been diagnosed with  ADHD when he was in middle school, but by then all the teachers hated him . Rhett and Cody used to get in trouble a lot, but last year Cody got into real trouble and was in jail for a few months.  

I admired Rhett for not letting his friendship with Cody go even though they’re lives had gone in two very different directions.

“None of us are good swimmers compared to those dicks,” Cody joked, nodding his head over to where Rhett and Zane were in the deep end of the pool racing each other.

“He seems happy,” I said. I wasn’t used to seeing Rhett Clark laugh or have fun.

“Yo, incoming, Clark!” Zane yells across the pool, nodding his head to the entrance.

Rhett turns around at the same time I look up and see a group of girls walking slowly towards the pool. A few of them are wearing eye makeup and they are all in brightly colored bikinis. They’re bodies look like models; perfectly portioned, flat stomachs and shiny tan legs.

“Hey, ya’ll,” a tall auburn haired girl calls.

“Pools closed, Amber.” Cody says to her in a bored voice.

“Shut up, Cody,” A curly haired girl shoots back.

“We went by your house, Rhett. To help set up the cookout.” Amber said. “Your Mama said you were here, so we came to get in on the fun.”

I’m quickly introduced as Rhett’s  friend from Connecticut and suddenly they were all in the water swapping stories about the Freeport High School.

“Amber’s still mad you stood her up for prom,” Amber’s friend Carly says to Rhett when they started talking about sneaking alcohol into formal dances.

“Am not. Ancient history,” Amber says rolling her eyes. “But you could have apologized.”

“I was stupid,” Rhett says in a low voice. I know Rhett wasn’t at their prom  because he had joined United Light by then, but I wonder if Amber knew that.

Rhett swims over to where I am sitting on the edge of the pool. He floats between where  my legs are dangling.

“Let’s play chicken,” he says, hooking my legs around his shoulders and his arms on my waist.

“Rhett!,” I yelp in fear, thrown off balance and grappling the air.

“I got you,” he said

The other girls fight over who gets Zane, but Amber wins out and one of her friends ends up on Cody’s shoulders while Carly referees.  I feel safe with Rhett holding on to me, but as I watch his friends a sense of familiarity puts a pang in my stomach. They reminded me of Cortland and his friends—Cortland was someone I never explained to Rhett and would have to. I’d have to explain a lot of things I’d done.

One day I’d have to tell him everything.

The thought makes me feel unbalanced and Rhett grabs at me haphazardly, but it’s too late I loose balance and splash into the water.

---

-3-

Meeting all of the Sullivans and Clarks the first time had been overwhelming. Jocelyn’s family only lived a half hour away in Mississippi, her mother was a widow and she had a sister and a brother, but only her younger sister came to the cook out. The Sullivan’s were religious and Rhett’s deceased grandfather had been a pastor. Rhett told me he was secretly glad he was dead because he’d been terrifying.

The Clarks, Rhett’s Dad’s family lived in town.The Clark's had a string of alcoholics and a rowdy reputation in Freeport.  Rhett was close to his Dad’s bachelor brother Deacon---who had spent most of the cookout mixing  drinks for Amber.

The party had started before I could even think about my nerves. I’d kept myself so busy trying to be helpful to Jocelyn and her sisters  that I’d lost track of Rhett several times. All of the neighbors  had come over and people were sprawled out on the street talking and laughing. It reminded me of what United Light was supposed to be, except  no one was looking over their shoulders.

“You’re goin’ to dance with me,” Rhett says, coming up behind me and taking my hand, a red Solo cup of beer in his other hand.

He was pulling me towards the group of people line dancing in the middle of the backyard to a country song.

“I don’t know this dance,” I told him as he jumped into the line, moving from side to side lifting his feet to the beat of the music along with the crowd.

“You’ll get it,” he said squeezing my hand

The song seemed to last forever and I did eventually figure out when to clap and when to turn and when to tip an imaginary hat.  My face hurt from how much I was smiling, it felt silly but I was sure I could go all night.

“I feel like we haven’t had a chance to talk,” I tell him as the song ends and he still has my hand.

 I leave tomorrow evening.

“Let’s find some place now,” he says smiling.

He starts walking towards a pair of lone Adirondack chairs  by the fence near the wine coolers cooler, when one of the Rhett's older cousins run over to us.

“Baby, your Aunt Macy got a new camera and she really wants to take a picture of you and  Deacon together before she goes.” she says.

“Yes ma’am.” He says.

Rhett gives me an apologetic look and we follow his her inside the house to where his Uncle Deacon is standing by their mantle. They embrace each other in a one armed hug and back slap as his Aunt Macy starts arranging them and snapping photos with a bright pink camera.

I can imagine Rhett looking  just like his Uncle Deacon in a  20 years. Deacon was rakishly handsome with small crows feet, deep stubble and  a few gray hairs. They are standing in front of the mantle where Rhett’s Dad’s photo sat.

Of course.

 I feel a pang of guilt. I’d forgotten it was  Memorial’s Day after all and Rhett’s dad had been a serviceman.

Suddenly the back door slams open and Jocelyn and Savannah storm through. Savannah’s face is bright red. Tears are streaming down Savannah’s face and Jocelyn looks furious.

“You’re humiliating me!,” Savannah chokes, wiping away tears and smearing  glitter mascara across her cheek.

“I don’t give a damn. Go to your room now!,” Jocelyn shouts.

“It’s my party--,”

“Don’t you dare talk back to me,  girl! GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!,”

Savannah stomps through the living room and down the hall screaming.

“What the hell happened ?,” Rhett asks, quickly going to his mother.

“Your sister and her friends are drunk.” she spat. “Can you please find  their parents to get them home ?,”

Savannah’s door slams at the end of the hall so loud I jump and the entire living room goes silent.

“Aw, shit.” Rhett says under his breath.

“I am going to kill that little girl,” Jocelyn says before going down the hall screaming about not slamming doors.

Rhett turns  to where Cody and Zane are standing by the open backdoor holding beers looking curious.Cody's slobbery basset hound is whimpering around his legs.

“Okay, who the fuck gave my little sister and her friends alcohol ?,” he asks them.

“Judging by what I heard I think they snuck it out the cooler,” Cody chuckles. “You didn’t teach her how not to get caught?,”

“Shut up,” Rhett says

The house is small and  we could hear  screaming from both Jocelyn and Savannah down the hall.

 Rhett gives me another apologetic look before going down the hall into Savannah’s room. A few minutes later Jocelyn comes out with damp eyes and sits on the couch. Her sister immediately crowd around her and the moment suddenly seems very intimate.

-4-

I catch Zane’s eye and he motions towards the front door and I follow him to the quiet little front porch. Most of the crowd was in the backyard  where the alcohol was.

Zane leans against the  porch railing and I do the same.

“That was insane,” Zane says. “I’ve ain’t never seen Mrs. Clark that pissed before.”

“I hope everything is okay,” I say. Mostly because I’ll have to sleep here tonight.

“I’m sure it will be,” he says. “We all have those batshit blowouts with our parents atleast once.”

I nodded. I’d never fought with my parents on the commune, but it seems like now my Dad and I had those kind of fights silently everyday.

The lights of a sputtering pick up truck flash by us before the truck pulls into the light green house down the block.  A man gets out of the car and lifts an open beer can to Zane with a nod. Zane returns the nod.

“Oorah!,” the man shouts across the street.

“Oorah.” Zane says quietly

A light goes on in the green house and the man pushes past a woman standing in the doorway, before slamming the door.

“Who are they, again ?,” I ask. “I thought the whole neighborhood was here.”

“That’s just Ray Ashby. He’s a former-marine, but he’s kind of a dick. He and Cody and Rhett got into a bad fight a few years ago. He ain't tell you ?,”

“No.” I say. “But I don’t think I want to hear about all the fights Rhett used to get in.”

“Nah, you don’t,” Zane laughed before drinking his beer . “I mean--He’s better now. Rhett. He’s  a good guy  and I hope we get to see more of you.”

“I’m not so sure I belong here,” I admit.

 I didn’t see myself in Freeport, it felt too close to my old life. Literally. The commune site was only 2 hours away.

“I get that. Trust me. I got outta dodge quick.” he nods. “All I know is I see the way he looks at you. He’s got it bad.”

That makes me smile.

“And I think you got it bad too,” he teases. “Ya’ll seem good together.”

“We’re still figuring things out.” I tell him.

“Just keep in mind I want to be best man,” he smiled. “I give better speeches than Cody.”

“Noted.” I said.

----

-5-

The Waffle House near the Amtrak station was a hectic mess, every table was filled and the staff shouted across the restaurant to give orders to the kitchen but it was the closest Rhett and I could manage to being alone. He was on his third cup of coffee and signaled for a refill from the waitress.

It had been an awkward morning, neither Savannah or Jocelyn were speaking to each other and Rhett tried to get me out as quickly as possible.

“I can’t believe you have to go back,” he says. “I feel like we barely talked.’”

“It’s okay.” I tell him.

The waitress brings his coffee and he takes a slow sip of it black before adding in sugar.

“So…do you still talk with anyone from…UL ?,” he asks me.

“Not really. I mean Raleigh Cameron was my legal representation while I was in the system. And sometimes Cecelia and Rosa visited me, but I haven’t kept in contact since I came back to Connecticut—“

“You doing okay ?,”

“I’m managing.” I told him. “You ?,”

“I put it all behind me. I’m just tryin’ to keep my head down and do my  service. I’m hopin’ to ditch the desk assignment and go out on a mission soon. Do that ‘see the world’ shit.”

“That sounds exciting.” I tell him. “At my job I’m just hoping I don’t spill a plate of gravy fries on myself.”

He laughs louder than he should at this.

“You’re different somehow,” he tells me. “I like it.”

“You’re different too,” I tell him. “You’re happier.”

I want to talk to him about Cortland and all my other baggage, but I don’t want to ruin the moment or the ones that followed. He pays for the meal and we walk across the street to the train station. With each moment we wait for the train I want him to say something more to me.

I want him to maybe even kiss me. 

But he doesn’t.

As my train approaches he holds my hand tighter. I wonder if Zane was right about Rhett liking me  and I should say something.

But I’m not even sure what I would say.

“Thanks for coming,” Rhett finally says.

“I should be thanking you,” I say.

He smiles and hugs me as I get on the train.

I find a window seat and watch him from the train window. He spots me through the window and I wave to him. He lifts one hand as the train starts to slowly move forward and he recedes from my vision.

When he is out of his sight I turn in my seat and start bawling.

 

 ----

A/N

So, the idea of OHG sprung forward from a scene idea I had with Rhett, Zane and Cody with Juliana at a pool on Memorial's Day. For some reason I never wrote it into OHG, but it always stayed with me and I really wanted to write it in here.

Side note: Looking up the jokes different branches of the military tell about each other sent me down the biggest rabbit hole of inapporopriate humor.