-1-

“Are you okay ?,” Rocket asks.

“I’m fine,” I tell her, pulling my face out of my hands.

I was just exhausted.

Mason had woken me up at six in the morning wanting to eat breakfast. We ate the last of the cereal and milk in bed and then went to a service at a big megachurch in walking distance of the hotel. We’d spent the last few hours at a public library where he played in the children’s section while I wrote an e-mail to Rhett.

I wasn’t sure exactly where Rhett was anymore, I’d been so busy following Rocket and going to my doctor’s appointments that I lost track of his schedule. He hadn’t responded to any of my e-mails and when he’d tried to call me the call failed because he was away from land.

A pulsing pain radiates in my lower back when I step  out of Rocket’s rental car, but once I start to breathe through it the pain begins to dull. I make a note to call the doctor the next time I was alone.

I knew if I said anything around Rocket or Cece they’d insist I go back to the hotel room and I didn’t want miss anything. Not when we’d just gotten started.  

 We walk into the Westgate, the big resort hotel Rocket was staying in and into a small conference room she rented for the day. The room has clear glass walls and a big conference table in the center. Rocket sets up her recording equipment and coffee while I sit down in one of the leather conference chairs. Mason spots another pool he wants to jump into through the glass.

He tries to pull me out of my chair to go look at it.

“I go swimming, Mama.” he says, jumping up and down in front of me. Just watching him was making me nauseous.

“Later.”

“No. !”

“Later. I promise.”

“No. Now !”

“Go lie down,” I tell him pointing to a corner of the room and giving him his blanket.

Since he got up early  I was hoping he’d nap through the interview. He takes the blanket, but he puts it around my belly, saying something about the baby needing a nap instead.

“I think you have a future Coastie on your hands,” Rocket laughs.

“I don’t get it. He can’t even swim--”

 "I can swim !” he interrupts me and starts running around the room mimicking a swimmer.

“--and he’s only been in the pool with Rhett once. I’m terrified of taking him to the beach,” I admit to her. “He might run off into the waves and I won’t be able to chase after him.”

“We can go together if you want.” Rocket says. “I’ll just need to buy a swimsuit. They sell those here, right ?”

“Oh, you don’t have to do that,” I tell her.

“I think I know who this is,” A sing song voice behind me calls as the conference room door swings open

I turn to see Raleigh Cameron walking in, it’s the first time I’d seen him not in a suit or business casual. Even when he’d been on the commune he always wore slacks and button ups, but today this he’s wearing flip flops, cargo shorts and a concert t-shirt for some band I’ve never heard of.

Rosa is with him, she looks just a gorgeous like she always did on the commune. Our eyes meet and she smiles but she looks nervous. She has a photo album tucked close to her body  and follows closely behind Raleigh as he walks around the conference room. They’d moved in together after the raid and they still lived together in Atlantic Crescent but I wasn’t sure if they were more than just roommates.

 Raleigh kneels to  Mason’s level and holds out his hand for a high five, Mason just stares at him.

“Spitting image of that knucklehead,” Raleigh laughs. “I’m Raleigh.”

Mason runs away from him to stand behind my chair as Raleigh puts an arm on my shoulder.

“You look great, Juliana” he says. Mason is trying to push my chair around the room and I have to grab him from behind it.

“No, I don’t,” I tell him as he moves to stand in front of Rocket. They shake hands.

“And nice to finally meet you in person,” he says to Rocket. She’s started contracting him to help her fact check some of the legal parts of her book. “This is Rosa Erickson.”

Rosa just nods at Rocket. Rosa’s towering over all of us in a pair of black patent leather heels under her tight dark blue jeans.

Rosa’s face breaks into a smile and she starts waving to someone behind me, I turn to see Elisa Valdez. Her dark hair is in a bun at the top of her hair and she’s wearing a long dress with no straps. I notice a large engagement ring on her finger and I remember what Sawyer said about her moving on.

 

We start to make introductions again and the room starts to fill up with Greg, Cecilia, Sam and Sawyer.  Rocket corrals everyone around the conference table and tells them re-introduce themselves on the tape.

“I’m Raleigh Cameron, I’m 37-years-old and I’m a civil rights attorney at the Miami Freedom Coalition”

“My name is Rosa…I’m 31-years-old…I’m a visual merchandiser at...I don’t think I want to say the company name   my last name on tape. If that’s okay ?”

“Uh, well I’m Elisa Valdez, I’m 29-years-old and I’m an aide  for State Senator Gina Falcone.”

“My name is Sawyer Miller, I’m 30 and I own the Sunset Diner in San Costa, Florida. ”

“Thank you all for being here today,” Rocket smiles.  “As you know I’m working on an oral history about United Light and it’s downfall and I can’t do that without your stories. Today I just want to facilitate an overall conversation and then we will go  to more individualized interviews at later dates.”

I listen to Sam, Rosa, Cecelia and Raleigh’s experiences growing up on the commune. Their upbringings were so similar to each others and so different from mine. They’d all gone to school off the commune and had always had questions in the back of their heads. I’d had questions too but mostly because I was scared.

But we also had some things in common. Like me, they had people constantly explaining pop culture reference to them and they couldn’t look at certain shades of blue the same anymore. It almost feels like a reunion between friends until Rocket zeroes in on Rosa’s silence through most of the questions.

“I just...I appreciate everyone around this table, I do,  but I’m just not as  over it as you all are.” Rosa says looking around the table. “Logan, my fiancé, Raleigh’s half-brother, was killed by UL and for what ?”

“The fiancé you only knew for a few months, right ?,” Rocket asks and Rosa frowns.

“Does it matter ?,” Rosa snaps. She starts to open the album and show a photo of Logan but she closes it “I just--”

“Rosa,” Raleigh says, rubbing her back.

“Look, I don’t want to be rude, Ms. Olsen,” Rosa says.

"Call me Rocket--"

  “--But I guess I don’t think UL is  interesting or fascinating...I think it’s cruel. I think Caine is a monster I’m still mad he didn’t get the death penalty.”

“She doesn’t mean that--,” Raleigh starts.

“I do. Raleigh hates the death penalty and normally so do I but he should be put to death for what he did. I don’t care if this is being recorded.”

“We’ve talked about this,” Raleigh says and then turns to Rocket. “Garrett, Caine’s right hand man, was the one who killed Logan. Garrett’s lawyer used a brainwashing defense and he got 20 years.”

“Which mean he’ll survive it,” Rosa huffs. “And don’t even get me started on those useless TLs who stood around and watched him commit crimes and got nothing. ”

“They were kids--,” Raleigh starts.

“Not all of them,” she says. “It’s fucking pathetic. All of those TL’s were pathetic. If they knew what was really going on they should have told us--”

“Rosa, none of the TLs knew exactly what he was going to do,” Greg adds in. “I was a pretty trusted TL but I didn’t even know Caine had Logan--”

“Because you were too busy trying to save just yourself--,”

“He was trying to save me and Felicity,” Cecilia suddenly jumps in.

“God, is everything about you ?,” Rosa asks rolling her eyes and Cece looks hurt.

“Don’t take this out on Cece,” Sam says. “We can talk about this without blaming people--”

“Look, Rosa you were all drinking the Kool-aid.,” Elisa says stroking her arm. “Remember  I tried to get you to leave and you wouldn’t ? It’s just how brainwashing works--”

“There is a difference between being made to believe in hope for a better future and a perfect community and being made to believe it’s okay to kill,” Rosa says. “Look, Greg, I think you tried to do the right thing, I do.”

Then Rosa looks directly at me.

“But I don’t know how you live with yourself,” she says to me and I don’t know how to respond.

“Rosa, Juliana never did anything, she was just a teenager--,” Sawyer starts.

“She saw that Caine was torturing Logan and she helped him. You were married to Caine, you lived in his house. You should have killed him. You could have warned us. You should have done something-”

Raleigh shakes his head.

“Rosa--”

“I’m sorry about what happened to Logan,” I tell her and I realize I’d never said that. “I am so sorry. But I was drugged and had a gun pointed at my back most of the time I was with Caine--”

“Not all the time.We saw you with Caine in public. Not to mention you just up and married a TL--”

“I stood next to Caine because I didn’t want to get hurt. I didn't want any of that !” I tell her and I realize I’m yelling at her. “The only reason Logan got caught trying to leave the commune is because you wouldn’t leave with him when he asked you to. Not even when Elisa offered to help you--”

“Excuse me--,”

“I served my time, you know ? Is that enough for you ? I am the only one who did. Killing Caine or any of those TL’s  isn’t going to bring Logan or my mom back.”  

Rosa crosses her arms.

“I think it’s time for  a break,” Rocket says and shuts off her recorder,

Mason had been napping but he’d crawled into my lap when I’d started yelling at Rosa. I want to apologize to her but instead I leave the room and take Mason for a walk down the  resort's endless corridors.

 I wish I could have been the hero Rosa wanted me to be but I had been scared. If I hadn’t been maybe Logan and my Mom would still be alive.

Mason and I ride the elevators up and down and use Rocket's guest key to walk around the resort. We have lunch at one of the restaurant and I text Rocket that Mason was tired and I was taking him to her room and wasn’t coming back for the interview. 

 

***

-2-

We go back into the conference room just as the interview is ending. It looked like everyone had been crying at some point, even Rocket looks a little shaken.

Rosa and Elisa are talking in a corner together and Raleigh walks over to me, putting an arm around my shoulder.

“We’re having  pizza and beer at my place. You’re coming.” Raleigh tells me and looks me up and down. “No beer, though.”

“No, that's okay. I should probably just--”

“You’re coming.” 

I ride alone with Sawyer back to the Atlantic Crescent Apartments, and we go to the side of the  apartment complex where Raleigh and Rosa live. Their apartment was small and the fixtures were old, but Rosa’s decorating skills put even Amber’s to shame.

Mason had started to soften towards Cece and when she brings out some child sized instruments from her house he runs over to play with her and Felicity.

I sit on the squishy leather couch to give my back a rest and listen to everyone talk. They make the occasional inside references or start conversations about people and restaurants I didn’t know. It had never occurred to me that they all had been keeping in touch all this time.

Elisa sits next to me on the couch, nursing her second light beer. The smell makes me gag but I’d gotten used to it.

“So, are you having a boy or girl,” she asks.

“I don’t know,” I said. “We like to be surprised.”

She nods.

“Look I just want to say I don’t think...Rosa.” she pauses and sighs. “It’s not about you.”

“I get it,” I say. “I do.”

“I just think it’s easier to blame people we can’t see or don’t know. Everyone was complicit and since they don’t really know your husband it’s easier to blame him.”

“Believe me I get that.” I said. “Rhett ran from all of this UL stuff after the raid. We never talk about it. But he wasn’t even there when Logan died. I was. And if I could have gone back I would have saved him--”

“Don’t do that to yourself,” she says.

She adjusts her bun and laughs at something Sawyer says across the room. A small part of me had always been jealous of her. For a long time I thought it was because of her relationship with Sawyer but now I could see if was her confidence. She’d never let anyone treat her the way Rhett treated me sometimes.

“So, you work in Tallahassee ?,” I ask her.

She nods.

“Senator Falcone is amazing, I swear she’ll change the world. She’s letting me take time off to do this.” she says. “I don’t talk about UL or anything because most people haven’t heard of it but we want to make things better for women and girls. I talk to a lot of victims and I know you were one…that’s why I know you did the best you could. I mean Caine held you captive--”

The way she words it sends a shiver down my spine.

I change subjects and we talk about my Dad and I tell her about Rhett’s job. Rosa joins us and while she doesn’t apologize I tell her about how I’ve taken up knitting again and we talk about knitting for an hour, not daring to stray to other topics.  Her mother had been the one to teach my mom who then taught me.

As it gets later in the night Cece and Greg leave since it’s a school night for Felicity. Rosa and Elisa start a game of strip poker and Raleigh joins them. It looked like they were going to be up all night and Sawyer offers to drive me back to the motel. I go with him even though a part of me wanted to stay. I hadnt’ talked to any of them in years, but I felt at home here. 

- 3 -

“Why did you cancel your plane ticket ?,” Rhett asks.

“I…I think I’m going to be staying a little while longer,” I say into the phone.

“Look, Mama, lizard !,” Mason says pointing to the tiny salamander sunbathing on the metal bench we were sitting on.

“What do you mean staying a little while longer, J ?”

“Okay, don’t touch it,” I tell Mason.

“What ?,” Rhett says.

“I wasn’t talking to you…I was saying---leave it alone, Mason—Rocket’s interviews are taking longer than she thought. She wants to interview everyone separately and some people’s parents. I was just thinking that since I was here I’d just spend Christmas here. Is that okay ?”

He’s silent. Mason blows on the salamander to make it move and I put my hand over his mouth to make him stop.

“Mama’s already pissed that she hasn’t seen Mason in weeks. She’ll want to spend Christmas with her grandson.”

“We’ve never spent Christmas in Freeport and they’ll be other Christmases,” I tell him. “Sawyer is letting me stay in the house he owns so it won’t cost me anything to stay a little bit longer. He even said he’d drive me back to Freeport.”

“He’s being awfully nice,” Rhett says quietly.

“Are you jealous ?,” I ask and I can't help but laugh imagining Rhett jealous.

“Of who ?,” he asks. “It’s just …If you want to have the baby at home you should be home. I’m trying to get my transfer back to New Orleans and my schedule worked out so I can be there.”

“The timing  probably won’t work out,” I tell him because it never had. “I know how your schedule gets. Even if you are home you could be on duty. It’s not like I can schedule it.”

“I’m scared you’re going to have that baby in Florida or on I-95 trying to get home.” 

“I know,” I tell him. “I’m not. I had all the stuff for the home birth shipped to the house. I have to be there. I’m just staying a little while longer…we’re having a nice time. It's been good for me mentally.”

He sighs.

“Fine. I have to go, baby.”

“Please stay safe,”

“I will,” he says. “I love you. Tell Mason I love him.”

“Tell Daddy you love him,” I tell Mason holding out the phone.

“Look at lizard !,” he says and I realize the salamander was on my chest. I shoo it away.

“What ?,” Rhett laughs

“Love you, Daddy  !,” Mason shouts into the phone as I close it.

“Let’s go inside,” I say, taking his hand and walking into the grocery store we’d been sitting in front of when Rhett called.

Mason whines as I put him in the grocery basket, but he tended to run off. I usually left him with someone when I went to the grocery store in Freeport so I didn’t have to deal with him. He thinks it’s funny to swing his legs and kick me.

The aisles of the store are slim and I feel awkward navigating the basket and my gigantic stomach down the aisle. I’m looking for the cereal aisle when I spot Bradley Johannsen walking towards us.

His eyes wash right over me as he walks by us and he either doesn’t see more or doesn’t recognize me.  I consider ignoring him but I just can’t.

“Brad ?,” I say.

He turns to me and  he seems confused. It takes him a while and then he smirks at me. When I’d first met him at the diner I was so charmed by him and everything he promised and gave me. But now I could see he was just pathetic. Everything he’d ever given me had been at either his wife's or my expense.

“Haven’t heard from you in a while,” he says and his eyes flick to Mason. “What brings you here ?”

“I’m just in town doing some UL stuff ?” 

“UL ?”

“United Light,”

“Right,” he says. “You still shooting up ?”

“I’m clean now.” I tell him smoothing my dress over my stomach. "Obviously."

Mason leans out of the cart and pushes himself into my chest and starts whining into my ear.

“I see,” Brad says letting his eyes rest on my belly for a second. “For now, right ?”

“ For forever.”

“You know you never paid me for that last key--

“You make plenty of money off those videos so I think we’re even.”

“I don’t make that much since that AnonymousBitchSlap asswipe put the clips out there…You ever figure out who it was who did it ?”

Mason puts his arms around my neck and tries to pull himself out the basket. I put my arms around him and pick him up out of the basket.

“Stop it,” I tell him as he buries himself into my shoulder. I turn back at Brad. “It was Hunter.”

“Who ?”

“Cortland Day’s brother.”

Brad nods slowly.

“Really ? Just saw that kid a Cort’s wedding. Little shit never said a thing,” he laughs.

“Cortland’s married ?”

“Yeah, some girl he met overseas.”

“Okay, well I have to go,” I say putting Mason back in the cart. 

Brad gives me a half smile and walks away. I start to feel like this maybe the last time I ever see him. I turn back around, leaving Mason in the cart in my eyesight and walk back to Brad.

I grab Brad’s arm and he seems surprised.

“You’re an awful human being,” I tell him and I feel like crying. “You ruined my life. You took advantage of me. Why ?”

He shakes his head and I see his arrogance coming back.

“Took advantage ? You stole like twenty fucking thousand dollars from me--”:

“To pay Caine off,” I say even though I had spent some of it on other things.

“I didn’t know that,” he said. “Don’t act like we didn’t have some fun--"

“I didn’t know what I was doing when I was with you. How come you never asked where my parents were?  How come you never paid me ? Did you know I got an STD ? I didn’t even know what those were.”

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I got carried away, okay ?,”

I stare at him, wondering if I could forgive him.  If I should forgive him.

“You don’t mean that,” I say.

He doesn’t even fight me on it, I can tell apart of him is still proud of what he did. He liked the attention. The only reason he was being civil to me know was because I had stretch marks and was fat and there was nothing I could do for him.

“You’re a monster. Fuck you, Brad,” I say and walk back to my cart.

I go straight to the checkout counter and then walk as fast as I can away from the store with Mason and the groceries on my shoulder. We’re three blocks away from the store before I stop shaking from the encounter. Mason keeps up with me, he doesn’t even stop to ask to go to the beach.

When we finally get to the motel room I call Rocket’s hotel room.

“Hello ?,”  she answers.

“Hi,” I say out of breath.

“Juliana ? Are you okay ?”

“Yes…Um, are you and Raleigh still going up to interview Caine ?”

“Yeah, did you need me to bring you something--"

“No. I want to go with you.”