-1-

--Juliana--

“What about this one ?,” Rhett asks pulling  a silky purple dress with a delicate flower pattern out of the pile on the bed.

“No,” I say quickly. I’d bought that dress years ago to wear for Cortland. I’d meant to give it away, but it felt like such a waste of something I'd only worn once.

And I really liked the dress.

But it wasn't something I was going to wear when I married Rhett.

“Just buy a new one,” Rhett said sitting up from where he was splayed out on his bed.

“I don’t want to spend--,”

“It don’t matter,” he says taking my hand and twisting his fingers playfully around mine.

“JULIANA, PHONE!,” Jocelyn yells from the kitchen.

Rhett and I exchange looks and I make a break for the kitchen. He follows slowly behind. Only one person knew my number here.

“Hello ?,”

“Juliana,”

“Dad,” I say and Rhett gives me a thumbs up and a crooked smile when I meet his eyes. “How are you ?,”

“Juliana, I got  your message about moving the...wedding date," Dad said stuttering over the word wedding. "And I’m sorry honey but we can’t come.”

Hiding my disappointment I give Rhett a weak smile and go for the front door, taking the  cordless phone out to the front porch.

“Why not ?,” I choke out. “Rhett said he'd buy a train tickets for  you--,”

“I’d spend more time on the train than with you.” he says. “And to be honest I still don’t know if I approve of this. I don’t like the way that boy just took you away from your family--,”

“He didn’t take me,” I say. “ I left. I’m happy here. I’m taking my driver’s  license test tomorrow and Rhett lets me drive his car, I’m looking at colleges and I’m helping his Mom with her salon--,”

“Juliana there is a difference between playing house and real life. You don’t know enough about real life to get married.”

“Please Dad,” I say.  “Please, I won’t have anyone there for me if you don’t come.”

“ I’m sorry, honey. But I can't stand back and smile while you do this. I don't approve.” he says. “But I’ll always have room for you back here--,”

Tears prick at my eyes as my finger lingers over the end call button.

“I have to go,” I say and hang up.

I stared at the phone, thinking of who else I could call. I hadn’t been in great contact, but I knew the former UL cohort in Florida could come up for the weekend,  but who would I ask ?

Sawyer ? He was my ex-husband and it didn’t seem right. Which  took out Elisa too.

Cecelia ? She was still too afraid to wonder far.

Rosa ? Raleigh would never let her. He still hated Rhett.

I hear a window shut in a distance and look up to see curtains swinging at the Ashby house down the block. I had never seen Mrs. Ashby leave the house, but I always got the sense she was watching us—especially me.

Spooked I went back into the house.

 

Rhett

-2-

Roosters Bar and Grill was a shithole but it had always felt like the Playboy Mansion or something when we were in high school.

Freeport was in a dry parish and Roosters was the billiards and sports bar that hugged the parish line. We thought sitting at the bar at Roosters would mean we were really men—which has been funny to me since Brooks once pointed out the name Roosters sounds like the name of a gay club.

It was an unremarkable wooden building in the middle of a lot, but music was always blaring and all our cooler older cousins and brothers went there to gamble and hit on women

Mama hated Roosters and warned me not to become a regular, but I didn’t know what she was so afraid of. It was mostly a bunch of fat middle ages guys eating crappy wings and watching the West coast games on the TV.  Compared to the bars in New London it was fucking pathetic, but Uncle Deacon loved it and when he pulled a surprise bachelor party out of his ass I wasn’t surprised it was at Roosters.

He’d rented out one of the poker tables in the back for me, Cody,  a few of my cousins and a few of his trucker friends. I was on my way to being shitfaced on the bottles of Jack Daniels he’d bought so I folded my hand before I’d lost more than I could come back from.

I’d wandered over to the bar for a beer (liquor before beer, in the clear!) from the redhead girl  behind the counter.

“Make it two. Put it on my tab, darling.” Uncle Deacon says coming up behind me and slapping my back.

“Damn, boy. I still can’t believe my little nephew is gettin’ married.” Deacons says.  “Shit, I remember changing your diapers.”

“Fuck you,” I say opening my beer.

Deacon had tried to step in to be my a dad when I was a kid, but Dad's death fucked him up bad and he wasn’t really father figure material. He was more like an older brother who popped in and out of my life trying teach me how to hit on girls, fight , curse and basically be a shithead. He'd always skipped between jail and rehab for most of my life until he found a job as a long distance trucker. 

He loved to gamble and I expected him to go back to the poker tables when he got his beer but he stayed at the bar, twisting the cap of his beer in his hand nervously.

 “Aw, shit please don’t tell me you about to give me some advice or somethin',” I say.

“I kinda feel like I got to,” he says taking a long drink.

“How ? You’re damn near 40 and you ain’t ever been close to bein' married,” I laugh

“That don’t mean I don’t know shit, nephew,” he retorts

“What are you goin' to do  ? Tell me I’m too young to get married ?”

“Nah,” he said. “I mean for the record I do think you’re too young to commit to one girl, but at least you’re a year older than when Charlie married your mama.”

“If what Mama said is true you tried to talk my dad out of it too.”

He laughs at the memory.

“That is true,” he says. “But I like Juliana…she seems like a good girl and considering how she grew up she’s pretty….uh-”

“Adjusted ?,” I finish for him. “She ain’t dumb. She tried to run away from that place you now.”

“I know, I know,” he says wiping his palms. “Look I don’t know if ya’ll have discussed this...but--damn, look---sometimes girls like  her have high expectations of their first time---,”

“Jesus Christ, are we talking about sex ?,” I balked. “My mom put you up to this didn’t she ? Is this seriously what you two talk about when I ain't around ?,”

“This town is small, boy and your mama ain’t dumb. You may be doing this ‘saving yourself for marriage thing’ now, but she  has some idea who you’ve messed around with in the past,”

“Shit, are you trying to make me throw up,  Deacon ?,”

“I’m just going to be blunt and then we can drop it. When you’re with a virgin, it ain’t about you. It’s about her first. Okay ?”

I rolled my eyes to hide my amusement.

Of course they thought Juliana was a virgin.

All Deacon, Mama and Cody knew was that she grew up on the commune and got out during the raid.  They’d never followed  the case, so they  didn’t know she’d lived in Florida for a while..

“I got it,” I said. The lie was so much easier than explaining the truth.

I knew Juliana had had some crappy relationships and intended to make up for all of them on our honeymoon.

“Okay,” Deacon says and I could see him visibly relax. He drops a thick stack of bills, his winnings, on the table in front of me.

“Congrats on the wedding, nephew."

 

***

-3-

-Juliana-

“Love is patient,  love is kind”

The Eastern New Orleans Courthouse looked like something out of a historical movie.  It had a bronze domed top and tall columns adorning the stairs.  Harried men and women in suits charged up the steps with badges swinging from their necks.

I scooted out of the car and ascended the stairs slowly; Jocelyn and Savannah on either side of me helping me up the stairs in the heels. My hair felt like it weighed a ton, Jocelyn had spent two hours clipping in extensions and curling until dozens of stiff curls fell  down my back. Then she'd spent another hour on my make up. My wedding dress was a simple lace white  dress I’d found on sale at a  local dress shop, the loose skirt swished  below my knees and I had a sparkly sweater over my shoulders.

“It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”

Inside the courthouse Rev. Ellis Roads friendly face was already waiting for us at a bench outside the county magistrate office. I nervously eyed the clock, we’d tried to come early so we wouldn’t have to wait in line but there were already a few couples ahead of us.

Rhett had slept at Cody’s the night before and the plan was for Rhett to drive separately with Cody and Deacon to the courthouse but no one had checked to make sure they were even  awake from the night before at Roosters. They could all be drunk and asleep for all I knew.

“It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”

Half an hour later I heard a clacking of dress shoes around the corner and all the my irritation seemed to evaporate when I see Rhett turning the corner in his dress whites-- his pins and bars bright against the fabric.  I’d never seen him in his dress uniform and it fit him impeccably. He seemed to suddenly remember he was indoors and quickly  took the covert off and put  it to his side.

The motion made him suddenly look so serious and mature.

Our eyes meet and his familiar  goofy smile appeared. He rolled his eyes to the ceiling.

He was crying.

“You look beautiful,” he said quietly, walking to sit next to me on the bench.

He put his arm around my shoulders and after a few minutes he tilted my head to rest against his shoulder. I was worried my makeup would mess up his uniform, but he didn’t seem to care. We waited for an hour slumped in the wooden bench outside the magistrates office.

This day had been a long road, but for the first time I felt optimistic. I felt like I could do anything. I could have an honest life. There was no United Light, no Caine to extort me, no legal issues, no jail sentence hanging over my head.  I’d chosen Rhett Clark and he had chosen me and we were in this together.

There was still a little bitter sweetness;  I wished my Dad were here.  Part of me was hoping he’d come through the door as a surprise.

“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.”

The office door opens and  the magistrate calls our names.

“I love you,” Rhett whispers into my ear as we stand and head for the door. His words throw me off balance.

It was the first time he’d ever said them to me.

Our party is led into a small wood paneled courtroom where the magistrate stands  behind an intricately carved podium. Rhett and I stand in front of the podium and Jocelyn and Savannah stand on Rhett’s side. Cody and Macy, Jocelyn's sister, sit on the chairs behind us.

 Before the magistrate presents the marriage certificate Rev. Roads says a few words to bless the day. He reads a scripture from Corinthians I recognize from movies about love. I barely hear him speaking because my whole body is humming.

 “It always protects”

Rhett’s bright eyes never leave me. I must look nervous because he sticks his tongue out at me and I laugh at the absurdity of him doing something so immature on the most important day of our life together.   The magistrate says something and then Rhett is putting a pen in my hands.

I sign my name carefully on the certificate and he puts a ring on my finger and I do the same. Then  Rhett steps forward and embraces me, his hands enveloping my waist and his cheek against mine.

 We watch as Jocelyn and Savannah sign as the witnesses.

“Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Clark,” the magistrate says.

“Always trusts”

I start to say thank you to the magistrate, but before I can get the words out Rhett’s lips are on mine. We’d talked about just doing a small kiss but somehow my tongue finds its way into his open mouth and his lips press harder into mine.

“Always hopes”

For a moment I forget where I am. His kiss seemed to  break the spell of gloom and uncertainty that had been surrounding my entire life since I left the commune.

Because I knew whatever happened next he would be here beside me.

“Always perseveres.”

I hear a catcall (probably Cody) and Rhett reluctantly pulls away grinning. His hands still clinched on my waist.

“I love you,” I breathe.

“I love you too,” he whispers, the tears in his eyes returning and openly running down his face.

“Love never fails.”

 

***

-4-

My new husband carried me down the stairs of the courthouse.

He carried me into the white tablecloth restaurant Jocelyn had reserved for lunch where neither Rhett or I could eat much.

He carried me to his truck.

When we arrived at the Avenue Plaza Resort and Casino in downtown New Orleans he carried me up to our hotel room and over the threshold.

Or more specifically he carried me over the threshold and then tossed me on the bed.

He grinned down at me when  he caught site of the garter I’d been wearing above my knee. He playfully put his head under my dress and slowly pulled the garter off with his teeth. He was being silly, but  a fresh flood of warmth rushed to the center of my body at the gesture.

Thinking about this moment had consumed my thoughts for the past week. I trusted Rhett but I was still nervous.  I wanted us to be perfect together.

This level of intimacy was going to be the hardest for me. I hadn't shared my body with anyone in years and I was terrified. We hardly talked about how the honeymoon would go with any earnestness but I could see the serious desire in his eyes.

Standing up, Rhett carefully removed his uniform and layed it across the chair.  He lays in bed right next to me in just his underwear. My eyes wandered downwards momentarily but flicked back up  when he put his hand on the back of my neck and kissed me softly down to my collar bone.

“I’m want to make love to my wife,” he says. “If she’ll have me.”

“Of course,” I reply in a breathy, panicky tone. I envied his ease.

He rubbed my arm. “Any ground rules ?” 

“I don’t think so,” I said with a nervous laugh.

"Can you sit up ?"

"Yes ?," I say but it comes out like a question

He sits up too and gently takes the 5 inch heels off my feet and sets them on the ground before removing my cardigan and slowly unzipping my dress. He presses small kisses down my spine as he slides the  simple dress off.   I’m wearing a slip underneath and I have remind myself to breathe.

This was the most skin I’d shown to another person in years. A shiver ran through my body and I wanted to tell him to stop there, but Rhett loved me and I didn’t want to be cold to him.

He  pushed the straps off the slip down and effortlessly popped the clasp on my bra. His lips found my chest and the desire welled back up, replacing some of the anxiety with excitement.

I expect him pull the slip away completely but he doesn’t. He pulls me gently down on the bed,  lays down beside me and starts kissing me  softly, his hands exploring my breasts, my stomach and finally between my legs.  

He keeps going at a steady pace until I let out a small involuntary sigh and my body flushes to his touch. Rhett smiles and without breaking the kiss positions himself so he is on top of me and we are eye to eye. I’m suddenly very aware if every inch of his skin against mine. He leans towards me and is inches from breaking my nearly 5 year streak.

"Do you want me ?," he asks

Involuntarily tears fall from my eyes and he wipes them away.

"Juliana ?," he says. "You can so no--"

I'm embarrassed that he can tell I'm nervous and I can only manage to nod my head yes.

He closes the distance between us.

Minutes later his name escapes my lips as the world repeatedly shatters around me.

***

Deacon had given Rhett $200 dollars in cash so we could make bets in the casino, but we never used it because we spent almost that entire weekend in the hotel room curled up in the soft comforters.

Rhett half-jokingly  told me if  he was going to be celibate for the two months he was in Hawaii he was going to have all the fun he could now.

And we did.

When we went back to Freeport  Rhett would wake up me up  at 4AM,when he was sure everyone was asleep, and we’d make love until he went on his 6AM run. He was always so slow and careful with me, I finally understood how sex could be an intimate and special act and not just a quick and dirty exchange

He told me not to buy birth control because a lot of people in town thought it gave you cancer and they’d give me  a hard time about it anyway. He hated condoms so he always pulled out.

Or at least he’d try to.

The week before he left for Hawaii I was pregnant.

 

 ---

You: Um, SHV---

SHV: I know, I know, Savannah is a minor so technically she couldn't sign as a witness to a marriage

Okay, okay ....So, I know the whole getting pregnant during the honeymoon is kind of hackey, but it made sense to me for a few reasons. The main one is that Rhett and Juliana are both a little ignorant about how birth control works--Rhett because he grew up in a conservative town and Juliana because she grew up on a commune. I actually had more detail about how much they failed at birth control but I took it out to keep up the romantic vibe.