-1-
I remember everything.
Even though Daddy doesn’t believe me.
I remember a little bit of the confusing scary dark place and the big bright light and the first time I heard Daddy’s voice.
But mostly I remember satellite. Satellite was my favorite.
On the satellite Daddy and I had fun all the time. We colored, played with my toys, sang and danced to my favorite songs and Daddy read to me as much as I wanted every single day.
I had to go to daycare and it was scary at first but my teacher, Ms. Whitney, was nice and there were lots of toys at daycare that I didn’t have at home. I had to share them with my six friends who were also my age and also in daycare but there were so many toys it wasn’t so bad to share.
I liked home the best but daycare was okay because I knew that Daddy would come at 1130 hours and have lunch with me and then at 1600 hours he would come back and we would walk home together. There were 47 steps and one elevator ride down from daycare to home. It took 7 minutes and I got to push the glowing button on the elevator to make it go down.
Sometimes Daddy and I went on special field trips before going home. We would go to the playground or Aunt Isla’s home or Sky’s dorm. Then we’d go home and play some more before dinner and then it was bedtime and we’d do bedtime routine and then we’d wake up and do it all over again.
I was happy all the time but I didn’t know what happy was then.
One day Daddy told me we had to leave the satellite because Luce was hurt really, really, really, badly and needed us. Luce lives on Earth. Daddy talks to Luce every night.
I only met Luce twice when we landed on Earth and he came to our home because I was sick and couldn’t go to Earth. Daddy says Luce is special to us. I didn’t know what that meant.
We move to Earth two months after my 3rd birthday. Earth is always changing temperatures. Earth was like how daycare used to be; loud and smelly and scary. I had to wear special glasses at first because I hadn’t seen the sun in a long time and it was so bright my eyeballs would burn off.
Earth is humongous! There are so many new people and the steps to get to our new home were too many to even count. Daddy holds my hand all the time and says if I let go, we might get lost forever. He doesn’t talk to anyone and nobody knows us like they did on satellite.
Our new home is bigger than our old home. Daddy and Aunt Isla show me my new room and I like it the best. The walls are dark purple, black and white with stars like the galaxy and my bed is so big it can fit three of me in it. Best of all I have room for more toys. My favorite toy is Ruby—she’s a robot but she is like a pillow and she feels good on my neck when I sleep. I got her at the train station when I first came to Earth.
I like the new home but I don’t like how far away Daddy is now. We still do bedtime routine but I have to sleep all alone in my own room and I don’t like it. It’s scary and when I have nightmares I have to knock for a long time on Daddy’s door and cry really, really, really loud or he won’t let me in so I can sleep with him.
I get to ride in a car on Earth because we have to take Luce to the doctor. I don’t like going to the doctor and I don’t think Luce does either. Daddy isn’t a good driver at first and we get in a lot of car accidents. When we get in accidents Luce yells at Daddy but when the strangers from the other cars yell at Daddy, Luce yells at them too. I like cars and I try to be good so I can go on the car rides but sometimes Daddy doesn’t let me come.
I meet Atsumi, Angel and Ellie and stay with them sometimes. They live in a big house. They are sisters and big girls and can do anything in the world and I get to too when Daddy leaves me at their house. We go to movie theaters, amusement parks and arcades. The big girls have a lady who lives in their kitchen who makes me whatever I ask for and a pool where they teach me how to swim. I wish we could live next door to them instead of Luce.
One day Daddy says he has a job and it’s time for me to go to school like how Sky goes to school. Sky is my godbrother. He lives on the satellite and he is in college school. I’d be going to preschool.
Earth school is different. It doesn’t have classrooms or Ms. Whitneys. Instead I get my own tablet and go to school in Luce’s living room while Daddy is at work. Most of the time Luce stays in bed because he is still hurt badly so Ms. Sara watches me while I go to preschool on the tablet.
Ms. Sara is Luce’s mommy and she’s nicer than him. She gives me lunch everyday when the reminder timer in the kitchen goes off and Daddy says Ms. Sara will make sure I’m okay while he is at work at the hospital.
I miss Daddy.
His job is far away so I only see him for less than an hour in the morning and only three hours at night not counting bedtime. I have to play by myself a lot because he has to help Luce. Sometimes he has to go to work all weekend. We don’t get to walk anywhere or go on special trips.
After a year I’m ready to go back on the Satellite.
When I asked Daddy when we would go back he walked out of my room and didn’t read to me that night. When I went to his door to ask if he was coming to read to me I heard Daddy crying and praying. We prayed all the time on the satellite but we stopped on Earth.
In the morning Daddy says he was sorry he didn’t read to me and that he needed me to be keep being good for him.
I try to be good so I don’t make Daddy cry again.
-2-
One morning my stomach hurts but I want to be good so I don’t say anything. I don’t want Daddy to be mad or make him late for work. Being late for work is really bad and sometimes Daddy skips breakfast with me to not be late.
I’m in kindergarten now and it is harder than pre-school. But I can’t pay attention to school because of how much my stomach hurts and I want to tell my teacher or Ms. Sara but I’m too scared.
When school goes on break for lunch, the reminder timer goes off and Ms. Sara stops working to give me lunch. Then she leaves me in the apartment because she has to go to something called storage to find something. She says she’ll be right back and tells me to eat my lunch and not move.
Peanut butter and strawberry jam sandwiches are my favorite. Daddy makes them for me for lunch so I make myself eat it to be good even though I don’t want to because I feel sick. But it’s too hard to eat and the smell makes me feel worse and I throw up on Ms. Sara’s rug.
I try to cover my throw up with a blanket on the couch but then I feel worse and throw up again and my tummy hurts more and I don’t know what to do. I want to call Daddy now but Ms. Sara is still at storage. I try to be good and wait but she still doesn’t come right back like she said she would.
When Ms. Sara or Luce go downstairs to storage they use the intercom button on the wall to talk to each other. I can’t reach the intercom button so I push a chair from the kitchen to the intercom, stand on it and press the button to call Ms. Sara. But instead of her face coming up on the screen everything in the apartment goes dark like night.
It’s really quiet and really dark and I’m scared of the dark. I want someone to open the curtains to make it brighter.
Then I hear the loud noise and heavy breathing.
In the dark I see Luce crawling towards me on his elbows, long glowing cords are hanging from his neck and the metal tipped ends make a scary noise as they drag across the floor. I didn’t know Luce could get out of his chair. He’s growling and snapping and he looks like a monster and I’m too scared to move.
“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!,” he screams, dragging himself towards me. He yanks the kitchen chair I’m standing on from under me and I topple over and fall on my elbow.
It hurts so bad and I start scream.
Luce doesn’t care and holds on to the wall to try to stand up and reach the intercom button I just pressed but he can’t get to it. I try to get out of his away but he keeps stepping on me with the bottom parts of his leg when he tries to stand. His legs don’t look like mine, it looks like he cut them up to get rid of his feet and shoved metal around one. He’s making a wailing noise and it sounds like he is crying.
“…I can’t…bre…call Al--”
Luce lets go of the wall he was clinging to and falls down. He stays there. I think he died and I start crying.
I hear Ms. Sara coming up the stars really fast, she opens the front door and trips over me to get to Luce.
“LUCE!,” she screams, turning Luce on his back.
Ms. Sara puts her palms on Luce’s chest and starts pressing.
“Give me that tablet!” she yells.
I didn’t know she was talking to me and she yells my name.
I bring her the tablet that was on the floor and she keeps pressing on Luce’s chest while she tells the tablet to call Alan Gray.
“Alan, the fucking power is out in the building, Luce isn’t breathing. He was connected to the the apartment’s power grid in his bed. Come over now, I need you. He disconnected himself…I think…I think he’s dying.” Ms. Sara says into the tablet.
“I’m coming,” Alan says. “Just plug him back into the chair and it should--,”
“I can’t! The chair is charging in his room. We’re in the living room…He’s not breathing—If I—I can’t get it without stopping CPR. Alan I need you--,”
“Does the chair have a remote function ?”
“I don’t know. Alan please--”
“Just get the chair. He’ll be fine for a minute without CPR--”
“I’m not risking it.”
“Alright. Fine. I’m on my way--”
“Now. Hurry. Please hurry.”
Ms. Sara calls Daddy’s job next and I think she is going to tell on me but she doesn’t. She just tells Daddy to come home because its an emergency.
“Sara, I think we should call an ambulance--,” Daddy’s voice says from the tablet.
“No. They won’t come here, they won’t help him--”
“Alan might be too far away--”
“He’ll be here--”
“Okay, I’m coming.”
Luce’s eyes are open and he’s staring at me, the blue parts of his eyes roll around in his head like they are toy eyes.
I crawl under the couch to hide.
My stomach still hurts and it hurts more now because I know Daddy’s going to be mad.
I made it all bad.
From my hiding place I can see there are two buttons by the door and I think I pressed the wrong one. I got mad at Daddy before because he wouldn’t take me back to the Satellite. Daddy and Luce will think I wanted Luce to die so we could go back when I didn’t want that. I’ll have to go to jail they have for kids.
Daddy comes home before Alan and he pushes a big tube down Luce’s throat while Ms. Sara runs to get his chair.
“Please, Luce. Please, keep breathing,” Daddy says quietly. “Please, I love you. I love you so much. I turned my entire life around for you, you’re not allowed to fucking die on me.”
Ms. Sara rolls Luce’s chair into the living room and starts connecting his loose cords to it.
“I need some light. I can’t see what I’m doing,” she says and Daddy shines the light from his syn. “Fuck, I don’t think the chair is charged. How could he let it get this low. I always tell him I—is he—”
“I think he’s good. I don’t think anything vital has shut down,” Daddy says. “…the intubation tube is breathing for him now--”
“I’m going to see if I can find something to turn his system back on.”
They keep trying things until Alan Gray comes. He has a rolling bed and they put Luce on it and roll him back to his room. Ms. Sara and Daddy follow.
Daddy doesn’t come back for me until an hour later. I didn’t think he saw me hiding but he kneels down and pulls me from under the couch by my arm. He sits on his knees in front of me but doesn’t look happy see me and my face gets hot and my eyes are warm and I want him to hug me but he won’t.
“Daddy, my tummy hurts--”
“Look at me. Never do that again,” he tells me in a mean voice. “You aren’t supposed to touch anything in Ms. Sara and Luce’s apartment without ask--”
“I didn’t mean--”
“You pressed the emergency power switch. You shut off power for the entire building and all the machines that keep Luce alive--”
“Daddy, I’m sick--”
“Grayson. Listen to me. The things you do have consequences. Something very bad could have happened. You can’t get in Luce’s way. Do you understand ? Answer me.”
Daddy is making me feel worse for an accident. I know he will be mad if I don't answer him but I can't and I start to cry. He doesn’t care about me anymore.
We go back to our apartment and I take a bath and change clothes and Daddy tells me to go to bed even though it is still light outside. I tell him my stomach still hurts. He takes my temperature and when it’s high he gives me medicine. I don’t like going to bed without a story or a hug or a kiss and it makes me sad.
I hug Ruby instead and and pray she comes to life so she can love me because Daddy doesn’t love me anymore.
I knew I was going to have to share Daddy with Luce but I didn’t think Daddy loved Luce more than he loved me. It wasn’t fair. Maybe Daddy didn’t know how much I loved him.
-3-
The medicine makes me sleepy and I sleep a long time. When I wake up the sun is out again and Daddy is sleeping next to me in my bed. He’s still wearing his pajamas even though it’s a work morning. I hug him before I remember he is mad at me. But then he opens his eyes and hugs me too and rubs my back. He lets me cuddle and rocks me back and forth.
“I love you, Daddy,” I say into his shoulder. “I’m sorry, it was an accident--”
“I know, sweetheart,” he says, kissing my hair. “I love you too. I’m sorry I made you upset yesterday. I was scared…We all just have to be more careful because we don’t want anything to happen to Luce. Yes?”
“Yes, Daddy,” I say hugging his neck tighter.
“Does your tummy still hurt?”
I shake my head no because I feel much better. Daddy puts the back of his hand on my forehead.
“I think your temperature has gone down.”
“Do I have to get a shot ?”
“No,” he smiles.
I trace the phoenix tattoo on Daddy’s shoulder. A phoenix is a big immortal bird made out of feathers and fire. When it gets old it has to set itself on fire but then it comes back as another baby bird and it's okay. Daddy's phoenix is the prettiest one of all the tattoos. I like to pretend to color it in and make it brighter. It goes all down his shoulder and everything but I don’t get to see it a lot because his work uniform covers it.
“I want a tattoo, Daddy.”
He laughs so I know he’s really happy.
“You, my love, are way too young--”
“No, I want one on you,” I tell him pointing to where Luce’s name is written in cursive on the part under Daddy’s neck. “Like this.”
I was best at cursive and reading in school and I could read that Daddy had lot of tattoos that said Luce. I didn’t know all the other words in his tattoos, but I could read them. They are bad tattoos that an evil man gave him and I’m not allowed to sound out what they say.
“Oh,” he says. “You already have one. Look.”
He pulls down his shirt and points to 4 neatly written letters on his chest. They are small and hard to see with all the other tattoos around them but I can read the letters.
GHHG
“G-H-H-G. But that doesn’t spell my name.”
“Grayson Hollins Haley-Grace,” he says. “Those are your initials. Right over my heart.”
***
-4-
After Luce’s accident Daddy doesn’t go to work for three whole days. We spend all day together except when he needs to check on Luce. It's just like on the satellite. On the third day he tells me that Luce has a surprise for us at his apartment.
I’m scared to go back next door but Daddy said Luce wants to see me.
Everything looks exactly the same but there is a tiny cage around the button that turns the power off.
The kitchen table is cleaned off and Luce is sitting at it with a big white paper bag. He looks the same and not hurt anymore.
I hide behind Daddy when Luce looks at me, Daddy tries to pull me away but I hold on to him tighter.
“Hey, kid” Luce says rolling towards me in his chair. “Sorry I lost my shit. Are we good ?”
I pretend
like he isn’t talking to me but that is rude and I don't want to get in trouble for being rude.
“I’m sorry I pushed the button,” I say and my voice comes out quiet. “I didn’t mean to--”
“Yeah, I figured.”
I don't know how to respond to that but Luce isn't looking at me anymore. He's lighting a cigarette now.
“Now that that is over….what’s in the bag ?,” Daddy asks Luce, pointing to the white paper bag on the clean kitchen table.
Daddy is smiling and he sounds excited.
“I…thought we could patch things up with some...” Luce says and then pauses. “Pie ?,”
“You mean ice cream ?,” Daddy asks.
“Yeah. Ice cream,” Luce says, opening the bag and taking an ice cream container out of it. I can read the words written on the ice cream container
“Chocolate chip is my favorite kind!,”
“It’s Luce’s favorite too,” Daddy says opening the ice cream container. “Where is the ice cream scoop ?”
“Ma and I
don’t have one,” Luce tells him and lots of smoke comes out of his mouth.
“Sure, you do.”
Daddy goes into their kitchen and finds an ice cream scoop and I get to eat as much ice cream as I want. I thought I’d have to be quiet so Luce can talk to Daddy about adult things but Daddy talks to me the whole time. Then we sit at the table and play a video game where you dress up Barbie and her friends but Luce only plays for a little bit before saying he is wasting time and the game is stupid—which is a bad word but Daddy ignores it. Probably because Luce is still recovering. Luce watches Daddy and I play while he does work on his tablet.
It’s my favorite day on Earth.
“Where’s Sara? Does she want ice cream ?,” Daddy asks Luce when he’s washing dishes.
“Sleeping. She’s barely slept in three nights. The stubborn woman’s been sleeping on a cot in my room. She needs a god damn life.”
“You almost died,” Daddy says. “She’s just afraid. Give her time--”
“She’s driving me fucking batshit--”
“How about I stay with you tonight ?”
“I don’t need anyone to stay with me. I’m hurt, not a child. I don’t need anyone watching me sleep--”
“Is that a no ?”
Daddy comes to where I’m still playing the game and puts his arm around me and I hug him. He kisses my hair and I pretend like I don’t like it so he’ll do it again.
“Do you want to have a sleepover with Luce tonight?,” he asks me.
I don’t really want to but I say okay because I don’t want to ruin the day.
I get to bring Ruby and my blanket over from our apartment. It’s funny seeing Ruby in Ms. Sara’s apartment because she’s never been in there before.
Daddy shows me Luce’s room. The walls are white and the tall shelves all have tablets and the other stuff he and Ms. Sara use for work in neat rows. Luce has a big bed with all white sheets and pillows and a really big desk with glow-y screens. There are clear wires poking out from his shiny headboard. When Luce gets out of his chair and gets in bed all the cords hanging from his headboard jump up and plug themselves into him. It looks like magic but I know from school it’s really magnets.
There is a
cot pushed into the wall but I don’t think Daddy is going to sleep on it.
-5-
Daddy folds out the couch in Ms. Sara’s living room for me to sleep on and we do bedtime routine. The couch is 11 steps from Luce’s bedroom and Daddy said the door to Luce’s room will be open if I get scared and want him.
I like the couch bed and when I get in Daddy reads to me while I practice braiding his hair. Daddy has pretty long hair and I want my hair to be long too but he makes me cut if because he says its too much work. We finish our book again. This is our third time in a row reading it. It has magic and even a phoenix like Daddy's and I really like it. I want him to read it to me all over again but he says there is a whole other book of new adventures that we should start tomorrow. But I don’t want the new book. I like the one I already know. But I think I will try it.
“I don’t think Ms. Sara and Luce can have you here when they are working--,” Daddy says scrolling back through the book’s pages.
“Can I go to work with you ?”
He smiles and shakes his head. All of my classmates go to work with their parents because their parents work at home.
“Actually…I was thinking....it might be fun if you went to a school like the one in the book--”
“No! Then I wouldn’t see you and we couldn’t re-read the book--”
“Not a boarding school,” Daddy says. “I mean a day school. Where you’d be in the classroom with all your classmates and teachers in person during the day. There is one near the hospital. Ms. Charlotte said she’d help me get you into it. We’d take the train together in the morning. Would you like that ?”
“What if the teacher is mean ?”
“Most teachers aren't. I think you’ll do fine,” he kisses me on my cheek. “It will be just like when you were in daycare on the satellite. Do you remember ?”
“Yes, ” I say as he gets up. “I remember everything.”
-----
Past!Shawna: I just kind of wrote this because I wanted to experiment with writing something from a young child’s POV. I was also trying to work out Luce/Grayson’s relationship to each other. I’m not sure how well this comes off in Sunshine, but Grayson is scared of Luce. It’s why whenever he is in a place with Luce without Haley he is hiding—he doesn’t want to get in the way.
Present!Shawna:This is also where I worked out Luce and Haley were probably married…I was going to save the “reveal” for this story.
You: If Grayson has both of their last names, how does no one realize they are married ?
SHV: Well, all the “adults” figure it out when Grayson is born and he has both last names but the younger people, like El and her sisters, don’t actually know his last name is Haley-Grace.
In my drafts this is called I Remember because I had this thought that Grayson would be like this extremely sensitive overly-knowledgeable child who remembered things he shouldn’t but I kind of leaned off that a little and wanted him to be more of a normal kid. I’ll save the all-knowing children to you Lile !