-1-

My tires just keep spinning.

I turn the wheel and press lightly on the gas, the car jerks me forward  I still can’t move.

 I switch to fourth gear and try again.

Nrrrrrrr

This is probably going to be how I die.

In my old car I would have given up on this icy hill, but I hit the Jeep’s gas harder and jerk my wheel to the left. After a little bit of sputtering,  the tires glide me gently over the ice patch and up the hill to the  cul-de-sac.

I find the address and  pull up on on the freshly plowed curb. I dig into my coat pocket to make sure the  burgundy velvet  box is still there.  Just looking at it makes my heart jump into my throat. Tucking it back into my pocket I open the car door.

 I’m barely  out of my seat when icy snowball rains connects with my head, icy slush runs down my back, melting into my shirt.

“Shit!” I half laugh, half scream ducking down to hide between the car and the curb.

 Crouching down I pack a ball of snow and run to the front of the yard. At first I don’t see anyone,  but then I spot her bright orange coat running for cover behind a tree.  I run after her and throw the snowball square into her back.

Corinne shrieks and starts  shoveling snow at me with her hands. I retaliate.

“I told you we should have built a fort !,” Corinne screams to Abigail as she puts her hand ups in surrender.

I turn and notice Abigail for the first time. She’s sitting on the front steps of the house holding onto one of the columns. I can only really make out her eyes because she’s covered head to toe in red and green winter gear.

“Merry Christmas Eve,” I say to Abigail, sitting beside her and giving her a half hug.

“You’re so warm,” Abigail says hugging me tighter. “Corinne totally dragged me out here, she’s like a kid... I thought they had snow in New York.”

I pull Abigail into a tight hug, shrugging.

 “Hey, let’s build a snowman, come on !,” Corinne calls running over to us.

“Save me,” Abigail stage whispers.

“This is all you. You’re the one who stole Corinne from me for Christmas,” I tease Abigail.

Corinne was spending the night with the Winters because Abigail didn't want her to be alone for the holidays

“She didn’t steal me, I chose.” Corinne reminds me. “And no offense, but after the last Morrow family holiday I needed a break.”

“I thought you were all  atheists anyway,” Abigail says.

“That’s just my Dad,” I tell her. “My mom loves Christmas and his annoyance goes down every year.”

There’s a soft rap on the window and we all turn to see Mrs. Winters looking out the window gesturing for us to come inside.

Abigail hops up and leads the way inside. The inside of the Winter’s house looks like a Christmas display at the Macy’s downtown.  Every entryway is decorated with poinsettias and lights, a small nativity scene is set up in the  windowsill and the lit fireplace has stocking for every member of the Winter family. A The large Christmas tree in the living room  sweeps the ceiling and there stacks and stacks of perfectly wrapped gifts underneath.

Abigail and Corinne immediately go upstairs, something about hair, and I’m left standing in the kitchen with Mrs. Winters. She’s baking sugar cookies and  putting them into holiday themed tins with smiling Santas.

“Take these to you parents,” Ms. Winters tells me, handing me a tin.

“Thank you.” 

“ I hope you and Corinne will look out for Abby.”

I knew they were nervous about Abigail leaving the house. Tnight was the first time she was going out on her own since the SEX competition three weeks ago.

“We will,” I tell her.

While Mrs. Winters continues baking  I stare at that old  Grinch Stole Christmas cartoon on their 72 inch flatscreen. The Whos are just starting to sing about the spirit of Christmas when I hear a throat clear dramatically behind me.

I turn to see Corinne coming down the stairs  in a white sweater dress, black tights and heeled boots . Her black hair is pulled back into some kind of complicated bun. I’d never seen her so dressed up before, the dress fits perfectly to her body and I impulsively put my hand in my pocket and rub the box to make sure it’s still there.

“You look great,” I tell her and notice Abigail behind her in a dress too. “ You too, Abigail. I feel underdressed.”

I’d just worn jeans and a sweater.

“Please,” Corinne says grabbing her coat. “No one gives a shit what you’re wearing. It’s a school sanctioned Christmas party for losers like me who don’t have anywhere to go on Christmas.

“They why did you want us all to go so badly?,” I ask as we head to my car.

“Because it’s fun and Abigail can meet more people,” Corinne reminds me.

Abigail was transferring into Eastham for  Spring semester as a part-time student.

"Is it weird I miss your Prius ?," Corinne says climbing in.

"I like the new car,"Abigail says.

Ethan had sold me his Jeep a few weeks ago since he was going to start running and biking everywhere as some sort of  endurance project, but I really think it was because he felt guilty about wrecking my old car.

I move the gift bag in the back seat so Abigail can sit. Corinne had told me at the last minute she entered our names into the Secret Santa game at the party.  I’d bought an  Eastham T-shirt , which I was told is the traditional gift since most of the attendees are nontraditional students and wouldn't really know each other.

I’d ended up with a student doing a semester transfer program from our sister school on the West Coast.

Alan Gray.

-----

-2-

As far as school parties go it’s predictably mediocre. They’ve cleared out the entire Whitman dining hall and decked it out in blinking Christmas lights, but  it’s barely crowded.  Pop Christmas music is blaring though the speakers and there is a small dance floor that I know Corinne will be dragging me to at some point tonight.

“I’ll take your gift to the Secret Santa Table,” Corinne says and walks off with my bag

Each table is laid out by last name alphabetically, you find your gift and as an icebreaker you have to guess which person had you. We pass by the W’s first and Abigail spots her name on a small flat packaged wrapped neatly in a brown paper bag with a red bow.

“I bet it’s a poetry book,” I tell her.

She smiles excitedly at me and opens it quickly.

 It’s a DVD.

The most ironic DVD of all time.

“Oh, shit.” I say

“The Walking Dead,” she reads turning to me alarmed. “What--”

“You don’t like it ?,” a voice behind us says.

Nearly in unison we turn to see a pretty blonde girl with a pitying expression on her face. She’s wearing an ankle length dress  over a long sleeve shirt. Her hair is back and I think she is from one of the progressive Mennonite communes upstate.  A lot of families has separated from the community and because once upon a time Eastham was a Baptist college a lot of their kids came here.

“Oh,no-- I mean… I’ve just never heard of it is all,” Abigail says examining the DVD closer.

“I’m sorry. I was told it was a popular show--,” the girl starts

“Oh, I’m sure it is-- I’ve just  been...out of  mainstream pop culture for a while,” Abigail recovers.

“Me too,” the girl says. “Well, longer than a while….I’m Juliana by the way.”

“I’m  Abigail…well, I guess you know that. So, what’s your major ?,” Abigail asks

“Social Services,” she replies. “And you ?”

“English and this is Jonah. He’s undecided,” Abigail fills in for me.

Juliana seems to notice me for the first time, but she  struggles to make eye contact with me.  She holds her hand out to Abigail.

 “I’ll just exchange the DVD --,” Juliana starts

 “Hey, something wrong ?,” a thick southern accent calls from a distance.

A guy in uniform form the Coast Guard Academy  is walking briskly towards us with two flutes of  sparkling grape juice. 

He hands Juliana a  drink and then takes  her hand, it’s a protective gesture and I notice they are wearing either engagement rings or promise rings.

Maybe even wedding rings.

“Everything is fine,” Abigail says quickly

“This is Rhett. Rhett, this is Abigail,” Juliana says. “I was her secret santa,”

“I suggested it,” he drawls. “ It’s my favorite show, I know  people coming back from the dead is kind of tired but I don’t know I’m kind of into it--”

“No I get  it,” Abigail says. “You should read Sylvia Plath’s Lady Lazarus. It will change your life.”

He smiles and hands Abigail the drink I’m sure he originally got for himself and  takes Abigail’s coat. I suddenly feel like I’m being out chivalry-ed.

“Sorry, and you are ?,” Rhett asks me.

 “Jonah Morrow, Jonah Morrow, Jonah Morrow--,” I hear Matty yelling at me.

Rolling my eyes I look up to see Matty coming in my direction with two Christmas bags in his hand,  his white cane tapping through the crowd at a quick speed. It’s like he’s intentionally being loud.

“Matty,” I sigh as he gets closer.

“Jonah, “ he retorts. “Look, I got your secret santa gift off the table—“

“I’m here with Abigail,” I remind him because sometimes Matty forgets he’s not the only person in the world. “And this is Rhett and Juliana--,”

“Juliana!” Matty says. “Oh, hey I have you--”

”You’re not supposed to give it to them , they have to find you,” I  tell him.

“Jonah I have to  cheat  I can’t fucking see.” he laughs and gives Juliana a Christmas bag my mom probably bought.

“It's okay. Thank you,” she says taking out the Eastham coffee mug.

“Nice to see you aren’t giving out signed CDs as gifts anymore.” 

“You make music ?,” Julianna asks

“E-mail me,” Matty smiles. “I’ll send some files to you.”

He digs around in his pocket for  card, once he finds it, he pokes me with his other giftbag.

“Open your gift, Jonah.” He says. “ I grabbed it off the table.”

 I open the bag with the clear expectation I’ll get whatever was on sale in the Eastham school store yesterday.

 But inside is the clothbound The Lord of The Rings Trilogy boxed set with  original drawings, a special forward by Tolkien and annotations from his contemporaries

I can barely form words.

It’s an edition that only came out in the UK.

Right.

I turn to the only British person I know.

“Matty is this from you ?,” I ask. “This isn’t in the 15 dollar price--

“No. I just found it on the table. I had Julianna, remember,” he digs in his pocket and shows me the piece of paper with her name on it

“Books ? You are such a nerd.” Corinne says coming up behind me and handing us name tags

“Look at this. It’s too nice…who would this to me ?,” I ask her. “Matty if I find out you're lying-”

“It’s not from me,” he says annoyed and turns to Abigail with his arm out.

 “Want to dance ?,” he asks her as the song turns to a Let it Snow remix.

 She bites her lip and gives me a pitying look before taking Matty’s outstretched arm.

“I’m sure if you walk around you’ll find the person,” she says leading him to the dance floor.

Matty makes a weird gesture to me as they walk away.

“Um, he just called you a jerk.” Julianna  tells me.

“You know sign language ?,”

“ It’s a long story,” she says

I stick on the gigantic name tag  and after saying goodbye to Rhett and Juliana take a quick walk around the cafeteria.

-------

-3-

In the distance I immediately notice Ethan flirting with  a girl in a sexy Mrs. Claus outfit. She’s pressed against the wall  laughing and he’s leaning over her smiling. Mrs. Claus is tall and brunette which is different for Ethan.

It’s kind of pathetic he is here since he is only a part-time commuter student,  but  there is free alcohol if you are of age and with all his new training Ethan is strapped for cash.  He catches my eye and I notice his face is red and puffy—he’s probably already had one too many already.

I start to wave to him  when a guy comes out of nowhere and rushes Ethan.

He knocks  into my brother, pushing him away from the girl and  then starts cursing him out. Ethan shoves harder into the guy and it looks like Ethan is making a fist. The guy is tall, but he’s thin and if Ethan goes into one of his steroid rages, he might break the guy’s neck and get himself thrown out of school.

“Hey, Ethan,” I call rushing over.  Before I can do anything a bigger blonde guy pulls Ethan back,  breaking up the potential fight. Sexy Mrs. Claus seems amused and buries herself into the arms of the blonde guy. Meanwhile Ethan and his attacker start a staring contest .

 “Ethan.” I say finally catching up.  “Seriously ?”

“You should have some fucking respect, brother,” Ethan’s attacker slurs.

“Everyone calm the fuck down," Sexy Mrs. Claus tell him and turns to me. "Who the fuck are you anyway? ”

“He’s my brother,” I say pointing to Ethan. “And he wouldn’t have done anything if that guy hadn’t attacked him,”

“He's  my brother,” she says pointing to the thin guy. “And your brother didn’t have to rage.”

“It’s not his fault, Ethan’s kind of on some….stuff.”

“Stuff? Yeah mine’s on some stuff too.” she laughs and turns to her brother."Damni it Jean, I don’t know why you have to be such a dick.”

“He is not allowed to fucking touch you,  Minnow--,”

“You don’t own her dude. If she tells me I can touch her I can,” Ethan retorts, finally calming down enough to talk.

 “No you can’t. She’s  17-fucking-years-old.” Jean says. “She’s visiting me and not going to be a student here until next Fall.”

“Shit,” Ethan hisses and  takes a few steps back. “How the hell was I supposed to know--”

“You weren’t,” Minnow says crossing her arms. “That’s the point.”

“Or you could just not give a fuck,” the blonde guy comments moving his hands down her  bare midriff suggestively.

 “Please, Alan.” She squeals, wrestling out of his grip. She takes a box of pills out of her garter and offers one to Ethan, which he takes. “ Come on boys, let’s kiss and makeup and have some actual fucking fun,”

“Wait, Alan.” I say. “Are you Alan Gray ?,”

“For today,” he says with a hint of a smile.

“Did you get your gift ? I had your name.”

He shakes his head no.

“Fuck, it’s so damn cold in here,” Minnow says. I suspect it's  because she's not really wearing very many clothes.

“Want to see if we can find the  fucking thermostat and hack it ?,” Alan asks.

Minnow nods and jumping on his back, they head towards a room marked security access only.

“Listen, no hard feelings, brother?,” Jean says to Ethan

“It’s cool,” Ethan sighs

Jeans hugs both of us before going after Minnow and Alan.

I follow Ethan’s lead and we head in the opposite direction towards the bar.

“You’re insane. Those two guys would have kicked your ass,” I tell Ethan. “And you need to stop taking all those weird bodybuilding injections.”

“Look to your right,” Ethan whispers.

I look to my right and see a group of identically dressed guys sitting at a table laughing.

“Those guys are from Sigma Gamma Iota,” he tell me. “If I want to look like them I have to keep taking steroids,”

“They look like meatheads,” I tell him.

“They do not,” he argues. “All those chicks from Alpha Nu Gamma Lambda  don’t seem to have an issue with them,”

Ethan orders a cider beer from the bartender and I begrudgingly take just water.

“Hey, you didn’t have me for the Secret Santa, did you ?,” I ask him.

 “I didn’t participate,” Ethan says.  “I sleep on a blow up mattress and use the same thing to wash my hair and body, do you really think I can wrap a gift ?”

“I mean you can put it in a bag,” I say to be a smartass.

“Ethan Morrow ?,” a tall guy with long dark hair comes up to us.  He’s wearing a red t-shirt, rolled up pants and Converses without socks even though it’s about 20 degrees outside.

“Yeah ?,” Ethan asks.

“I thought you went here...You don’t know me, but I saw you at The Trenton Bike Off  last year,” he explains. He pulls an AA chip out of his pocket and starts fumbling with it. “I remember you because they said you were the youngest winner ever,”

 “You saw that ? ,” Ethan smiles.

I can only think of the damage having fans will do to my brother’s ego.

“Mayor’s kid gig,” he says. “I’m Slate. I ride too, but mostly amateur and nowhere near as fierce as you.”

“Nothing wrong with that. This is my little brother, Jonah.” Ethan introduces and I shake hands with Slate.

“You didn’t have my name for Secret Santa, did you ?,” I ask

 “No,” Slate says.  “I had that chick Corinne. She’s pretty awesome.”

“She is,” I say. “We’re friends.”

“Don’t worry, Slate.  Jonah’s never going to make a move so you totally should,” Ethan jokes.

Slate smiles and shakes his head.

“Nah, dating is kind of complicated for me…,” he says  and trails off like he wishes he hadn’t started talking.

“So, what’d you get Corinne ?,” I ask quickly.

“ I made a donation in her name,” he says flipping the chip in his hand.

“Was it that buy a moon rock bullshit ?,” Ethan, who is a little bit tipsy asks.

 “It was to the  Leukemia Society,” Slate deadpans

“Oh I get it,” Ethan says with a smile. “You could learn from that, Jonah.  Donating to that kind of shit makes you look hella introspective and shit.”

“Actually, my cousin died of a non-Hodgkins lymphoma .” Slate says.

Slate puts the coin away and rolls up his sleeve.  I see a tattoo on his upper arm that is the silhouette of a superhero. Above it  says Darcy Bennett, but the lettering is in the style of an old fashioned comic book with visible red Ben Day dots in the letters.

The shading is amazing.

There are some numbers underneath that I assume are the birth and deathdate. 

“I'm so sorry. Awesome tattoo”  I say. “Ethan and I get tattoos from this guy our Mom goes to, but he’s retiring. Where did you get yours ?,”

“Some Russian guy in Brooklyn,” he explains. “Well, I should probably go,”

With only slight eye contact he walks awkwardly away from us.

“So, Ethan,” I say obnoxiously. “Are you just going to piss off every person in here ?,”

“Are you going to give Corrine that necklace you bought her ?,” he throws back at me.

“Yeah,” I say, but honestly I was going back and forth. “I just want to figure out my secret Santa first,”

I was  afraid giving her a piece of jewelry would be too much and that I was putting her in a weird position.  I loved what Corinne and I had and I really didn’t want to fuck it up.

“I’m going to walk around,” I tell Ethan.

He punches me in the arm as a goodbye and I start mingling to the best of my ability. I’d been dragged to a lot of holiday parties by my parents since I was a kid so I could hold a conversation with almost anyone,  but none of them were my Secret Santa.

Feeling frustrated, I walk out of the cafeteria and into the hallway. It’s eerily quiet, all I can hear is the soft undertones of Rock Around the Christmas Tree.  There’s a glass wall separating the cafeteria from the hall, so in order not to be seen I slip into the small vending machine nook to check  on the necklace.

I jump inside my own skin when I see a boy with long blonde hair in a neat ponytail standing against the vending machine.

“Hi,” he says to me.

“Hi,” I say recovering.

He’s not buying a drink, he’s just standing there.

“Hey, my name is Jonah. You didn’t happen to have me for secret santa, did you ?,”

“No,” he says thoughtfully. “ I had Minnow... that girl in the heels dressed like Mrs. Claus who was putting drugs in the punch--”

“What ?,”

“Yeah, she gave me a full bottle of Vicodin, I think it was stolen…I turned  it in to one of my teachers--,”

“Um, shouldn’t you take it to the police ? That could be considered drug trafficking.”

He seems to consider this but, shrugs nonchalantly and starts staring at me.

“You can call me Haley,” he says in a distant voice.

I then realize he isn’t staring at me, but past me.  When I turn around all I see is a window to the party going on in the cafeteria. The only thing I can see from our view is my Medieval Studies professor in a conversation with  an ROTC Instructor who is double fisting what look like whiskey sours.

I accidentally catch the ROTC instructors  eyes and he frowns before immediately looking away.

“I can’t figure this out,” I tell him. “Someone got me a really personal gift and I can’t find out who it is,”

 “Did you talk to everyone ?,” Alex asks.

“I feel like it,” I sigh.

“What about that big guy who ran screaming  from that moth?,”

“Yeah,”

“The pretty girl with the cupcakes ?”

“Mhmm,”

“Those two writing majors who drank all the eggnog ?”

“Yes,”

“Well--”

The clack of dress shoes slowly approaches us in a clean rhythm and he stops talking. I watch as the ROTC instructor walks past us, his step falters for only a second before he keeps going and turns down a hall.

 “I’m sure your Secret Santa is here,” Haley says touching my arm. “I have to go.”

“Um, okay I--”

“Merry Christmas,” he says quickly before leaving.

I go back into the cafeteria and as predicted Corinne is on the dance floor with Matty and they are haming it up so hard she doesn’t even notice me.

 -4-

I spot Abigail sitting at a table drinking hot chocolate, she’s still going through physical therapy and gets tired standing too long. She’s talking with a bald guy, he says something to her and the both start laughing.

“Hello, stranger,” she says when I walk over. She licks the candy cane she’s dipping into her hot chocolate.

I straddle the seat next to her.

“Sorry I abandoned you,” I tell her.

“It’s fine. This is my new friend, Nick” she says. “We’re trying to find him a date,”

 “Only  because we already found her a date,” he laughs

“We did not!,”  Abigail hisses, but she is smiling.

“What did I miss ?,” I ask

Nick points to a girl standing at the bar, she’s got brown hair with some blonde highlights in it. She’s wearing all white, which is daring considering the red wine she is ordering.  She’s one of the Alpha Nu Gamma Lambda girls judging by the ANGL embroidered on her sweater.

 “She just complemented my earrings and cut into my dance with  Matty  for a little bit. I didn’t even catch her name,” Abigail says sheepishly.

“She had a quote from Midsummer Night’s Dream on her arm,” Nick explains. “Let’s just call her Hippolyta.”

“Oh come on, that is no one’s real name,” Abigail says.

“Well, you’ll never know her real name if you don’t ask,” Nick says in a sing-song voice.

Then I hear it. That Mariah Carey song.

Corinne seemingly pops out of nowhere and takes my and Abigail’s hands, Abigail takes Nick’s and Corinne leads us to the dance floor. On the way Nick grabs Slate by the shoulder and they both start  shouting to a boy in glasses standing by the wall.

“Come on, Eli!,”

We pass by Rhett and Juliana who are on the outskirts of the crowding dance floor, she is smiling broadly as he spins her in his arms, keeping a steady hand on her  as they move to the music.

Minnow has moves that rival Corinne’s, she’s swaying her hips tangled between her brother and Alan as partners.

Corinne and Matty are jumping all around me. Ethan dances over to us and grabs Corinne around the waist and starts swing dancing with her, after only a few beats he nods for me to cut in giving me a sly smile. I  cut in and she doesn’t pull back.

Her hands are warm and she looks so happy. I want to make fun of her for it, but I feel just as ridiculously happy. And it's not really for me, it's for all my friends around me. For Abigail and Matty and Corinne and even  thankful to have all of the people I care about around me

After a few seconds a slow song comes on but she doesn’t break away.  She just puts her hands on my shoulder and it pushes us closer together as we sway to the music.

And suddenly I want to tell her…I don’t know what.

You’re awesome.

I like you.

I think I’m in love with you

I love you. Whatever the fuck that even means.

“Jonah,” she says suddenly, a note of shock in her voice. And I wonder if she heard me.

She nods her head towards the window and I see a hard snowfall has started outside.

“Let’s go outside,” she whispers.

I follow after her as she takes her coat and we step out into the bitterly cold white.

 

-5-

 

Corinne runs out into the middle of the sidewalk and puts her hands up watching that flakes fall.

 “What is it with you and snow ?,”  I ask

“It’s so much prettier here... like a postcard,” she explains. “In New York it was always slushy and dirty by the time I got outside.”

I’d never thought about how spoiled I was by the scenery of Eastham. I’d spent so much of my life here it all seemed mundane. She walks back towards me and we sit on the steps outside of Whitman. I watch the snow land on her hair, dotting her dark strands with white.

“So, did you find your Secret Santa ?,” she asks.

“No luck,” I sigh

She shovels some snow on the step into a mini snowman.

“Surprise,”  she says quietly.

“It was you. You had my name this whole time ?,” I say shocked.

“Not exactly.” she says. “I never put your name in the Secret Santa game. I guess I was too chickenshit to just give you a gift like that to your face. ”

"It’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever gotten me,” I tell her.

“ That’s not all,” she says. “…I read them. All of them.”

I’m laughing because I can’t believe it.

“I did!” she says playfully shoving me. “I really liked them.”

“Really ?,”

“Yeah. I’m a sucker for anything that says anyone can be extraordinary--”

I reach into my pocket and take out the small box.

She goes silent.

I open the box, take the necklace out and place it around her neck.

“What is it ?” she asks looking at the pendant on the necklace. It has a stylized S shape with a line through it.

“It’s a del sengo,” I tell her. “It’s a musical note. When it’s at the end of sheet music  it means you play the piece again from the top…it stops the song from ending. Technically the song could go on forever."

“Jonah,” she says with a smile.  Her hand goes to her eyes so quickly, it takes me a second to realize she was wiping away a tear.

The necklace looks good on her and I’m falling so hard.

 “Merry Christmas, Jonah,” she smiles.

I can’t hold back anymore. It feels like we are both leaning at the same time and when my lips make contact with hers its suddenly not so cold anymore.

---

When we finally go back inside  I take her coat while she goes to show Abigail and God knows who else the necklace. In the coat closet I spot Haley again. He’s pulling his hair back, but with nothing to secure it with he lets it fall around his shoulders.

“Did you ever figure out who your Secret Santa was ?,” he asks me

“Yeah,”  I smile.

“That's great,” he says. "Who was it ?"

 “My girlfriend.”

------

This was so fun to write and blasted me out of a slump !

So, this story started by me taking as  many characters as I thought would plausibly fit into the college setting and putting them into an online Secret Santa generator. Then I took the ones I could work with and put them in the story.

 You: Shawna, that's a nice little image you have for the cover

 SHV: Thanks I totally didn't copy it from this

(Felt like I needed to give credit there !)