2004

Summerlin, Nevada

The Mariposa Learning Place

 -1-

“He’s only 6 months…couldn’t you just you squeeze him in a crib with another baby ?”

Haley was mostly joking but the director of The Mariposa Learning Place looked absolutely horrified.

“That is not within the values of our school,” the older woman frowns pointedly

“I was kiddin--”

“As I said we can add your son to our waitlist,” she continues. “Spots for infants usually open up within 6-10 months.”

“But I have to report to work in two weeks,” he explains, just as he had to the receptionist when he first came in. “I didn’t realize the waitlist was that long…Is there anything else I can do ?”

“I’m sorry,” she says. “But families typically sign up for infant space in our school before the child is born.”

He nods in defeat  and tries not to burst into tears. The Mariposa Learning Place was the highest rated daycare in the county and located perfectly between their new apartment and his new job at a nursing home in the city.

Haley quickly fills out the waitlist form and walks out with apologies for being a bother.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

He should have known.

There was always something he didn't know.

A delighted high pitched squeal comes from the car seat swinging on his arm and Haley looks down to see Grayson awake from his nap, bright eyes wide and smiling at the sunshine coming through the colorful toy hanging off his car seat.

“Did somebody have a good nap ? ,” Haley greets him, tickling his tummy to make him giggle. “Daddy should take you  inside that daycare again. Nobody can so no to those pretty eyes, can they ?”

He almost considers going back in and making them say no to the baby’s face but thinks better of it.

He walks  across the daycare's parking lot and secures Grayson's car seat into the red Volkswagen Beetle. He'd fallen in love with the car  the moment he saw it on the used car lot. Luce had been pissed because he  was only supposed to be looking that day and had ignored all the advice he'd  drilled into him about car buying .

“We have to make one quick stop at the store,” Haley tells Grayson. He takes a bottle of formula out of the designer leather messenger bag and puts it to his lips. “And then we’re going go home, okay ?”

Grayson seems more interested in playing with the formula bottle than drinking it so Haley replaces it with the pacifier and secures him into the car.

“I love you,” he says, kissing his chubby cheek and nuzzling his nose, which elicits more delighted squeals. Haley laughs, which also makes the baby laugh.

Haley never regretted bringing Grayson into his life but it had all happened much sooner than he’d planned. He’d found the donor egg within minutes of being in the office, flipping through the catalog until he found a woman whose eyes reminded him of Luce.

Isla had stayed at his apartment for two weeks after giving birth, recovering and being the best aunt she was capable of being. They’d spent sleepless nights talking about all the childhood traumas they’d never talked about. It had been healing and exhausting but then she went back to her life in Chicago leaving it all up to him.

Haley had quit his nursing job to stay at home full time. His plan was to live off his savings and video royalties for a year-- then he'd enroll Grayson in the highly rated Mariposa Learning Place while he went back to nursing.

But the plan had fallen apart almost as quickly as it had started.

His Medicaid application was rejected and he was paying for check ups and doctor appointments out of pocket. The costs of laundry detergent, diapers, baby clothes and formula was almost double what he’d planned.  He’d budgeted for his more expensive rent and a car but not for the utilities and insurance that went with them. 

His margins were tight but he’d been making it work.

Then his monthly royalty checks  from Virtue started shrinking.

They’d always been in the four digits range but suddenly dropped to less than seven hundred a month. He’d held his tongue and used the  money leftover from the IVF to cover things, but when his last royalty check had been only nineteen dollars he called Charlotte.

“Your statement is correct,” Charlotte had said over the sound of her clacking keyboard. “We’ve been dealing with all these fucking pirates. I think your entire catalog is on some free site. Jean and I are meeting  with the lawyer again this afternoon. Just hang in there.”

He said he would even though he couldn’t. He was out of money.  So he’d decided to go back to work six months  earlier than  planned. Getting a new job was easy enough with the nursing shortage but he needed to get Grayson into a reputable daycare.

Grayson’s whining from the backseat catches his attention. His pacifier had tumbled out of his mouth and Haley turns up the pop station on the radio to distract him. He smiles in the rearview mirror, watching the baby bounce in the seat with delight as he pulls into the  Grocery Outlet.

“Okay, my love. Let’s just get in and out of this hell hole,” he tells Grayson once he’s parked.

He hated the Grocery Outlet but he’d started going the last few months to make their money stretch.

They only make it through the specials and baby food aisle before Grayson decides to start fussing from where his car seat had been placed in the grocery cart. Haley rocks the cart and shushes him softly as he eases his pacifier back in his mouth. The pacifier is immediately spat out and the crying gets louder.

Haley knew that cry.

He quickly grabs a dozen jars of baby food of the shelf so the trip isn’t a total loss. When he turns around to put them in the cart his crying son is no longer in the cart but in the arms of a middle aged woman he'd never seen before. 

“Look at those pretty eyes! Whata mattew, honey bunny ?,” the woman coos, bouncing Grayson up and down. “Does someone miss mommy ?”

Grayson kicks his little legs in anger and fear at a new face.

“Give me back my baby,” Haley frowns taking Grayson from her. The  woman has the nerve to resist and Haley has to tug him away slightly. Just as he'd suspected--Grayson’s diaper was wet.

“Well, excuse me,” the woman says, clearly offended.

“It’s very rude to pick up other people’s children. I didn’t give you permission to touch my child,” Haley tells her, plopping Grayson into the cart and pushing it toward the doors.

“I was just helping--”

“I didn’t ask for your help,” he calls over his shoulder.

“He needs his diaper change--”

“Yes, I fucking know that,” he snaps, quickening his pace.

He’d learned pretty quickly that if he wasn’t firm when it came to his child,  strangers thought they could run all over him. He looked younger than he was and strangers saw him as an overwhelmed boyfriend or incompetent older brother who needed help. Even today, when he’d removed his piercings, pulled his hair back and  dressed up to look nice at the daycare.

Once back at the car he sets  the enraged baby across the backseat and  kneels on the ground so he can quickly change him. It is a complicated endeavor that  involves keeping one arm on the baby so he doesn’t roll off the seat but Haley had mastered it. The only casualty during the changing is the bottle that gets knocked out the car and rolls across the parking lot.

“Sh, sh, sh.You’re okay, Grayson,” Haley assures the still screaming baby. “You’re okay, it’s okay. What’s wrong--”

“Sir, may I see your receipt ,” an authoritative voice says behind him.

Haley turns with Grayson wailing away in his arms  to see a short haired male cop. Standing behind the cop is  Grocery Outlet’s assistant manager. Not far off, at the grocery store entrance, is the woman he’d been short with in the aisle.

And to top it off his phone was vibrating in his pocket.

“I didn’t buy anything…,” Haley starts but his voice trails when he realized he’d been so focused on getting Grayson changed he’d walked out of the store with a cart of unpurchased items.

The  baby food and barrel of hard pretzels were innocent enough but the two bottles of whiskey and two bottles of red wine looked bad. 

 “I was going to pay for that,” he explains quickly.  “I just needed to change my son--”

“You had to come all the way out to your car to change a baby ?,” the cop asks.

“I—there’s no changing table in the men’s room,” he explains and gestures to the Grocery Outlet assistant manager who he’d had words with in the past. “Last time I was here he wouldn’t let me use the women’s room.”

“How old are you ?”

“Why ?”

“I think you know why.”

“31--”

“What year were you born--”

“1973,” he says quickly so they didn’t think he was lying,

“ID.”

He gives over his driver's license and cradles Grayson, attempting to calm him as the officer runs his ID and sees he was not only being truthful about his age but that he didn’t have a record.

“Why don’t we go back inside together and buy these items,” the officer suggests.

Haley had grown up dirt poor and had to do a lot of things but he’d never stolen. The accusation stung. The last thing he wanted was a police officer standing over him to make sure he paid.

“We actually have somewhere to be,” Haley says instead, his voice shaking. “ Are we free to go ?”

When the officer nods he puts Grayson back in the seat with his pacifier and resist the urge to speed out of the parking lot.

He drives down the parkway and pulls over in the next shopping center over  to wipe away tears. Now the manager and cop probably thought he didn’t have the money to buy the items. He considers going back. But if he did, did that mean   how they treated him was okay ?

His flips open his phone to see three missed calls from Luce.

“Hi-,” he says, a little too cheerful to be convincing, when he dials Luce back.

“Why haven’t you been picking up your phone--”

“I was checking out at the groce-”

“Is Grayson okay ? I can hear him crying--”

“Oh. He’s just being a little diva--”

“What happened, Alex--”

“Nothing--”

“You suck at lying. I can hear you’re upset. Are you okay to be driving ?”

“Yeah, I’m fine--”                                         

“I’m already half way to your apartment. Meet me there.”

                                                          

 

***

-2-

When Haley learned  Grayson was coming he'd moved out of his studio above Virtue to a brand new luxury apartment building in Summerlin County—the  affluent  Las Vegas suburb where Rias and Charlotte lived. Their one bedroom apartment was triple his previous rent but he wanted Grayson to live somewhere nice. Plus the apartment complex had a gym he could use  while Grayson napped in a corner.

Haley takes the elevator up to their floor with Grayson crying in his face. Luce is waiting outside his apartment door--even though he had a key.

“Hey. What’s wrong, kid ?,” Luce says softly to Grayson, putting the back of his hand against Grayson's cheek as Haley unlocks the door.

“I think he’s hungry…his bottle fell on the…shit. I left it in the parking lot.”

“Want me to make a bottle?”

Haley nods.

It hadn’t surprised him Luce was good with Grayson. His two siblings were over a decade younger than him and he'd helped take care of his nieces when they were newborns

Luce walks into the kitchen and Haley starts to get nervous about how long he spends in there.

“Just get some baby food out the pantry.  He likes that now,” Haley calls, wandering with Grayson into the formal dining room he’d converted into a nursery.  “He’s been picky about formula anyway.”

 Luce strides out of his kitchen with a jar of  carrots and peas baby food and a bib.

“Give me your car keys.” Luce says. “I’ll get the groceries out.” 

“I didn’t get a chance to shop,” Haley shrugs, opening the jar food while bouncing the baby playfully  . “Grayson was being all fussy so we just left.”

Luce kneels next to him so they are eye level.

“When I called you said you were checking out. What’s going on ?”

Luce’s ability to call his bullshit was an unexpected side effect of the relationship they’d been building the past two years.  Luce had relished in playing with his dominant side, especially since he spent most of his day being told what to do by his mother and their picky clients. He was too good at being in tune with Haley’s unspoken needs and body language.

The parameters of their sex life had changed since Grayson came into the picture but the fact that they got to do it less made it even better for Haley.

He caves and tells Luce about the humiliating incident at the store and his failure to get Grayson into the good daycare. By the time he is finished, tears of frustration are running down his face.

“Why did you even go to that shit hole grocery store ? There’s one right across the street from here. Do you need some help--”

“No”

He trusted Luce with his body and soul but his pride wouldn’t let him admit he was almost out of the money he’d been saving for years. 

“Lex,” he chastises him softly. “There’s no food in your kitchen. And you told me Grayson hates that cheap brand of food--”

“He--”

Luce takes out his wallet and pulls out a pair of hundred dollar bills.

“No, Luce. No, I can’t take that--”

“You will,” Luce says kissing his forehead. “And you need a break. I’ll watch Grayson so you can go to the store. And then go get a coffee or something. Take a moment to yourself.”

“Luce--”

“Don’t argue with me,” he says his voice taking a subtle steely edge. “I haven’t had a home cooked meal in a while. Take this money. Buy groceries. Make me dinner tonight and for dessert I want you kneeling on the kitchen floor with your pretty mouth open for my...”

He trails off his intentions and kisses Haley’s cheek. Haley stares at the money, something in him unable to just take it.

“This is the part where you make a cute joke and I pretend to find you annoying,” Luce tells him.

“I’m sorry, I can’t,” he says. “I chose to be a single Dad. Single parents  don’t get to have coffee breaks or have money fall from a tree--”

“What good are you to Grayson if you’re burned out or feeding him food he doesn’t like ?,” Luce says. “And you’re not alone.”

“Do you want to stay the night ?,” Haley asked. He needed to at least make the effort.

“You know the rules.”

Luce  had set his own ground rules for their relationship when Grayson was born. The biggest one being that he wouldn’t stay over. He’d said Sara had the same rule when she was dating and he’d been glad for it.

Haley leans over to kiss Luce before handing the screaming baby over to him.

“Thank you. I love you.”

***

The next morning Haley is running on the treadmill in the apartment complex gym while Grayson was  finding endless delight in pulling Ziplocs out a box.

Haley’s body was still sore in places from the workout Luce had given him after Grayson went to bed last night but at least he felt like he earned the money he’d been given.

His phone buzzes and he slows down the treadmill. He recognizes the number on the phone as Charlotte Dory and flips it open.

“Hello ?,” he answers, hoping for an answer about his royalties so he could breathe again.

“What time should Erica come over ?,” Charlotte asks.

“Excuse me ?”

Erica was Charlotte and Rias’s nanny. The presence of the nanny for school aged children  had endlessly confused both Jean and Sara who’d pretty much let their kids raise themselves on the streets of Las Vegas from the moment they could read a stop sign.

“Luce said you needed someone to look after Grayson until the daycare had an open spot. Erica passes your apartment building to get to our house so she’ll pick him up--”

“Charlotte I can’t--”

“I don’t have time to argue,” she says. “Pay what you can . Besides with two of the girls in school all day we’re seriously overpaying her.”

“Thank you…have you heard anything about the royalties--”

“No answers just more meetings. Either way they can’t do this shit forever.”

 

2005

Las Vegas, Nevada

Kindred Healthcare Nursing Care 

-3-

Today was going to be his last day.

Haley still couldn't quite believe it.

“We’re not like those crazy homophobes or anything,” Mr. Conrad Wilshire assured Haley “But I just know it would make Dad uncomfortable to have a man doing that to him.”

Haley debated between comebacks.

He could say that what was really making his father, the 77-year-old Mr. Eugene Wilshire, uncomfortable was that he’d vomited on himself before going back to a nice morphine induced nap.

Or he could say his father didn’t seem to care about  comfort when he grabbed the backsides of any female staff under 30 who came near him. And that his repeated, clearly intentionally, behavior was the only reason Haley was there despite being off the clock 5 minutes ago.

Mr. Wilshire was doing a two month stay in the nursing home following major surgery and Haley was kind of impressed the man found the energy to still be a pervert.

“No one else is available,” Haley says  with a professional smile. “And I think your father will be much more comfortable when he’s in a fresh set of clothes. You’re welcome to stay in the room. I can show you how to clean him up and you can do it next time.”

The younger Mr. Wilshire’s grimace deepened. He only visited his father to watch college football and didn’t seem all that concerned about his actual care plan. Haley didn’t usually mind when families were less involved because it meant they trusted the staff.

 But the Wilshire family annoyed him.

“He can wait for someone else to be available,” Mr. Wilshire says. 

“No problem,” Haley smiles and waves to the sleeping elderly man. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Mr. Wilshire.”

He makes a note on the chart and walks out the room, knowing the director of nursing  was just going to get one of the male CNAs to go in next.

“I’m sorry he was being an ass,” the director of nursing sighs when he tells her what happened on his way out.

“It’s part of the job--”

 “I  just can’t believe how judgmental some people can be,” she continues and then lowers her tone. “I’ve worked with plenty of…homosexual nurses and they’ve all been sweet and good workers like yourself. You’d think with Queer Eye for The Straight Guy on television people would know most of you are good ones who like to help.”

“I don’t have cable, but sure.” Haley shrugs. “I have to run. I’ll see you next week.”

He was late for the bondage porn film he was shooting that afternoon.

 

***

 

“Fuck,” Haley curses when he hears the sharp crack of a smashed headlight.

He steps out of the Beetle he’d just done a shitty job of parallel parking in front of Virtue Studios. He is partially relieved when Maverick pops out of the blue sedan he’d just  backed into. At 21-years-old Maverick was still baby faced and cute in Haley's eyes. His style had gone from punk to overtly preppy.

“Please don’t call my insurance company,” Haley greets him, going in for a hug. He’d already been in three car accidents that year.

“I haven’t seen you in a while,” Maverick grins, keeping his arms around Haley’s waist and taking in his scrubs. “I can’t believe you fucking came back to this after saving lives and shit.”

“I work in a  nursing home so I’m not  exactly saving lives. And I’m not back,” he adds quickly.  “Jean said he needed extra performers and I needed the extra cash. Babies are very expensive.”

Jean’s solution to the pirating was to produce several  high quality full length adult films exclusively for Virtue members to download and make the files too big to be illegally pirated.

“That’s right,” Maverick says.  “You’re someone’s dad. Crazy. Isn’t it weird to be doing this as a dad?”

“Lots of the Virtue girls have kids. Besides, he’s at the age where he doesn’t give a shit about my life,” he says. “Plus my back catalog is basically worthless with all the pirating--”

“Yeah, mine too,” Maverick scoffs. “One of my friends told me the real money is in outing celebrities but---whoa!”

Maverick stops short when a  black Ferrari convertible zips down the street. Haley watches with renewed amazement as the sports car backs up and perfectly parallel parks between two vans.

The butterfly door flips upward and Luce steps out in black mirror shades, snug denim and a leather jacket--despite the 90 degree heat.

Haley could never figure out what he’d done right in life to deserve a man who was not only understanding and supportive but also sexy as hell, hung like a horse and gave him the most undesirable thoughts with the way he stepped out of a car.

“Shouldn’t you be working ?,” Haley remarks playfully as Luce saunters up to him. Luce bends to kiss him and Maverick slowly removes his hand from Haley’s waist.

“I asked my boss for time off to see Angel Ward’s last shoot before they retire forever,” Luce responds.

Haley rolls his eyes slowly.

“Is now a bad time to tell you I’m fucking your boss after this ?,” Haley teases.

 Luce only smirks and lights a cigarette.

“Wait…so you’re done done ?,” Maverick cuts in.

Haley nods. He hadn’t planned on telling anyone he was officially retiring from porn after today’s shoot.

But he’d promised himself. Today was his last day ever.

“Huh,” Maverick says. “Can’t believe you taught me how to swallow jizz like a pro and now you’re getting all respectable and shit ?,”

“I’m far from respectable and shit. But I have another job and  live too far away  plus I’m getting to old….You should take my stage name, though.  Like the drag queens do,” Haley says. “Maverick Ward. Then you can have two stage names from movies.”

“You’ve seen Top Gun--”

“I saw it in the theaters,” Haley tells him. “Have we never talked about this ?”

“Fuck, in theaters ?  Yeah, I guess you are old--”

“Shut up, take that back,” he says, pushing him playfully.

“Wait, so what movie is the name Ward from ?”

“Vivian Ward,” he says. “Julia Roberts’ character in Pretty Woman--”

“Never seen it.”

“Really ? It’s my favorite movie.”

“Isn’t she a hooker or something ? They never get that shit right in movies.”

 “And it’s boring as shit,” Luce grunts. “I have no idea why he loves it--”

“I don’t love it. But Julia Roberts is amazing. You should come to my apartment after the shoot and watch it.” he tells Maverick. “Since you two insist on ganging up on me we can at least make it a gangbang--,”

“Three people isn’t a gangbang,” Maverick corrects him and grins. “But I could be convinced.”

“You’re too young for me,” Luce says. “And no offense but I don’t need another sub--”

“Well, I’m a Dom so thanks for assuming, “ Maverick bites. “I’m apprenticing with Gaige.”

Luce says nothing and grips Haley’s hand, leading him towards the doors of Virtue.

Their sex life had gotten complacent and they’d talked about opening up to a third person for something new. But their social circle was limited and even though Haley was friendly with lots of Virtue performers who would be happy to join, Luce was cold to new people.

“In fact, I have a Dom session later today with some clients I met online,” Maverick continues.

“Mav, I don’t think you should have private sessions with strangers you met online,” Haley warns.

“It’s cool. I keep their licenses during the session.  Gotta have a side-hustle,” he says. “I’ll pass on the threesome and  you can call your insurance to pay for my headlight after the shoot.”

“Insurance is boring,” Haley teases. “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather just punish me yourself ?”

“Nah, I’m good.”

“Fine but you’re making a mistake. Big mistake,” Haley says going through the doors of Virtue for the last time. “Big. Huge.”

 ---

A/N

• For some reason this is the second time I mention Ziplocs--the first being when Haley was keeping his toiletries in a Ziploc bag.
  
• This 2005 section is a little awkward because I needed to fill a year and in case it wasn’t obvious he’s quoting Pretty Woman at the end.
• Maverick and Gaige are both stage names. I have no idea what their real names are. The kind of funny thing is I think Maverick is like a popular baby name now.