Wearing latex hot pants and lace up leather boots did not make doing laundry more fun. The platform boots, however, were perfect for efficient scorpion killing.
The demon insect had
skittered from it’s lair underneath the dryer and Alex Haley gives it a few extra stomps before kicking the corpse into the bushes and sprinting out of the basement laundry room.
He locks the laundry room door, races up the stairs and sets his basket of freshly dried clothes on the front sidewalk so he can add “Call Pest Control and Stop Screaming” to the notes app on his fancy new iPhone.
“Um , Angel ?,” a voice calls.
He looks up to see a wide eyed man in his mid-twenties waving at him. His head is shaved and thick black glasses sit on his narrow nose. Behind him, two others are pulling equipment out of a white rental truck.
“Are you Reid?,” Haley calls back as the man approaches him.
“Yeah,” Reid nods. He extends his hand for a handshake. “You look amazing…uh, you didn’t have to dress up for us...or is this your everyday--”
“God, no,” Haley laughs, smoothing out the fishnet top and adjusting his necklaces to lay flat. “I just thought it might be fun to dress up for the interview.”
“Cool. Can we shoot some b-roll since we’re out here?”
“Um, sure but don’t show the address or the name of the building,” he smiles. He peers just beyond Reid to the van. “Where’s Rocket Olsen ? I’m so excited to meet her—”
“Oh.” Reid's expression goes sheepish. “I’m sorry, my e-mail must not have been clear. I was Rocket’s intern and she’s helping me produce the documentary but she’s not actually doing any of the interviews or anything--”
“Oh,” Haley says, suddenly less excited about agreeing to do this interview.
Admittedly, when he’d gotten an e-mail from 25-year-old documentary filmmaker Reid Abbot, he’d stopped
reading after seeing Rocket Olsen’s name. Haley listened to Public Radio
America re-runs on his phone to fall asleep and her stories were
always his favorite. He’d even found a copy of her book at library book sale and totally planned to read it one day.
Haley picks up his laundry basket and leads the three person film crew upstairs to Sara’s condo.
“Can I interest anyone in a mini cupcake ?,” he offers, setting down the laundry and holding up a paper plate of mini cupcakes. “Fair warning, they're all carrot cake.”
“Oh, you didn’t have to do all
this for us.”
“I didn’t,” Haley grins. “These are for The Merryhill School's 1st Grade Vegetable Patch Show Veggie Potluck Afterparty--which I can’t be late for so we should probably get started. I thought you could interview me in the kitchen--”
Reid confers with the camera operator before looking back at him.
“Actually, can we use one of the bedrooms ? The sunlight would be great.”
“Oh. Um...sure...why not ?” Haley agrees. He opens the door to the bedroom he’d once shared with Luce. “We can go in here.”
The room was spotless since Haley had
been either sleeping on the couch or in Grayson's bed for the last nine months.
“Is this your husband ?,” Reid asks, gesturing to the framed picture on what Haley had once thought of as his side of the bed.
It was a photo of he and Luce in suits in front of a church. His hair was perfectly windblown and Luce arm was cinched around his waist bringing him closer. It was from Lansing Prescott’s wedding in 2008—just a few months before Luce's accident.
“Um, no I'm not married. That’s my...well....we're on a break,” Haley explains. “This is actually his family’s condo…um, he had to move out but they let me stay here.”
“Well, I just have to thank you for being a part of this. As a friendless queer kid in North Dakota with unsupervised internet access, accidentally coming across gay porn and erotica was the first time I ever saw my desires validated. It made me feel sane.”
“That’s nice to hear,” Haley says. “I mean like I said I was mostly in it because I needed a way to make money---”
“No shame. I know sex work is so common for transfolk who deal with job discrimination--”
“I’m not trans.”
“Oh, I apologize,” Reid says. “I didn't mean to assume. I thought...I...I read in an blog you identified as female--”
“I mean I don’t identify as female but I can identify with them. Like, when I was in nursing school I was usually the only male in class and they’d say ‘ladies oh and Haley’ but I never felt out of place in that ladies. I feel mostly male….Although the word man is…complicated for me, sorry if I'm talking too much--”
“No, it's cool,” Reid nods. “Do you feel more agender, nonbinary or genderfluid, gender nonconforming ? Should I use they/them pronouns--”
“You’re throwing a lot of words at me,” Haley laughs. “I don’t really talk about this. It's a...complicated subject for me. Um…'he' feels good ? I use to like the word femme… but I think that's bad now ? Well, atleast according to all the assholes who rejected me on Grindr—”
Reid scoffs. “I can’t believe you have to be on Grindr.”
“Was on,” Haley clarifies. “I got this phone a few months ago and downloaded it because I wanted to have adult conversation. I had one date and somehow ended up getting fucked in a bathroom at three in the afternoon—sorry, are you recording ? You can’t put that in your film. I…sorry, it’s been a while since I’ve talked to another adult about something that wasn't work.”
“We’re not filming,” Reid says quickly. “But we’re about to start if you’re ready ?”
He nods and Reid takes a tablet out of his messenger bag. He taps the screen before handing the tablet to Haley.
“I’d like to start by getting your
reaction to something. I’m pretty sure I came across this clip in 9th grade on Limewire.”
“Uh oh,” Haley smiles nervously.
He takes the iPad and watches a short clip of himself having rough sex with an older man.
“This is really old…it was filmed on tape,” he says half in shock and half in amusement. “I was so young in this ...Where did you get this ?”
“The internet has all things. I guess there were popular list servs that would digitize tapes. Can you tell me about this clip ? ”
“Not really. This has to be one of my first shoots. I was eighteen and didn't really know what I was doing. I was just kicked out of my home but…in some ways this was the happiest time of my life. I had money, I went to a lot of parties and I got to have sex with attractive men who I fell half in love with every day. Although…most of the men in gay porn were straight.”
“I've heard a lot of that in our interviews. Can you tell your favorite story about working for Harmony--”
“Do you mean Virtue--”
“My documentary is going to focus more on Harmony since they were the first mainstream gay adult entertainment production company. They were revolutionary.”
“Oh. I guess,” Haley agrees. “I know they produced a lot of talent and I’m not ashamed of what I did. People got off to it and that's all that matters. But…it was a different time.”
“Can we talk about Kenneth Maxwell ?,” Reid asks.
Reid opens up a photo slideshow on the iPad and Haley watches as old pictures of he and Maxwell scroll across the screen. He puts his finger on the screen to pause it when a photo from the 1998 AEX Expo scroll across the screen.
His body looked incredible in the form fitting white leather outfit, his expression radiant in a snapshot of he and Maxwell on the dance floor at the AEX Fetish Party. He swipes to the next photo of him looking content, curled up in Maxwell’s embrace at the penthouse party. The loving images don’t sync with his memory of the darkest day of his life.
He clears his throat.
“I assume you heard about how he publicly assaulted me at AEX in 2002 ?”
“I did,” Reid nods. “But I’d like to get your side.”
“There’s no story,” he says. “I was young. He was my first relationship. I thought I was in love but it was toxic and I ran. You said you’ve talked to other people, right ?”
He nods.
“So, you know,” Haley says. “He was a bastard.”
“As someone who was in a relationship with him for so long…what do you think of the rumor he was murdered ?”
Haley blinks.
“I don’t think I’ve heard that one before,” he says and it was true. He’d never heard anyone say it. “I believe in forgiveness but I think Maxwell is exactly where he belongs. You didn’t mention this interview was going to be about Max--”
“We can move on,” Reid offers quickly.
The conversation shifts to his time
at Virtue and he relaxes.
Towards the end he decides to share with them his boxes of photos from Virtue and braves the basement laundry room one more time.
***
-2-
Haley’s has resolved to stop being late for shit and made it to the Merryhill's 1st Grade Vegetable Patch Show on time.
He watched Grayson miss every single cue but flawlessly deliver his line (“I am a carrot, I make eyes healthy”). Then Grayson insisted on showing him around the art classroom afterwards and they arrive late to the Veggie Potluck Afterparty in the cafeteria.
Haley normally spent the endless parade of school functions talking shit with the two scholarship moms--but their table was already full. He gets a sympathetic look from them as he takes the only empty seat at table where two couples were already chatting.
At thirty-seven, he was probably older than some parents but he still never felt adult enough around them. He’d removed all his piercings, tied his hair back in a low ponytail and worn a boring shirt and tie to try to fit in. But every other father was in a full suit.
He is silently picking at the his plate of vegetables when he gets the distinct feeling the man next to him was about to strike up conversation.
“Now, are you Grayson’s dad ?,” the man asks, clearing his throat.
“Yes,” Haley smiles. “My little carrot. And you’re--”
“Brixton’s dad. He was the red pepper,” he says. “This is my wife Tish. She made the stuffed peppers.”
“Yes, Trish, I remember you. They’re delicious.”
Haley had wanted to join the PTA and
was told he had to first put in 20 volunteer hours and get a letter of
recommendation. He’d done it all but they only had room for one first
grade parent on PTA and it had gone to Trish---despite the fact that she was also doing PTA and Booster Club for her two high school kids. From what Haley could gather, Brixton was an oops baby.
“My wife tells me you’re a nurse and a single parent and I have to say I admire the hell out of that,” Brixton’s Dad says.
“Oh. Thank you.”
“Brixton is our 4th child at Merryhill and I’ve always said this school needed more diversity,” he continues and then gets a look on his face Haley can’t decipher. “But I have to admit I was a little surprised when Brix told me your son made himself Brix's boyfriend....said my son was pretty and he wanted to marry him, I guess ?”
Haley’s heart drops. Grayson filled him in on all the 1st grade gossip and , while Haley tuned almost all of it out, he had no idea how he missed this.
“Honey,” Trish smiles at her husband in chastisement before redirecting her smile to Haley. “It’s not that we care about…I mean all our boys had cute crushes on the little girls in preschool so we get it but we just don’t think it’s appropriate for their age--”
“Absolutely,” Haley says quickly. “I will talk to Grayson about that. I watch a lot of rom coms and I think he’s just fascinated by the idea of couples right now. It's like suddenly all his Barbies are getting married--”
“Your son has Barbies ?,” another mom at the table says and then laughs. “Well, I guess that’s Obama's America ?”
Haley shrugs wishing he hadn’t said that.
“Okay, here’s a question I’ve been curious about,” Brixton’s Dad says. “You’re…you date men, right ?”
“Um…not currently but...yes.”
The women at the table laugh at his quip and Haley briefly wonders how his story about having afternoon sex in a bathroom with a Grindr hook up would go over with this crowd.
“Do you think kids with parents who…parents like yourself… How do you know if the children are also….like that because they want to be or if they are only modeling what they see ?,” he asks. “Does Grayson have a chance to see regular families so he knows what else is out there ?”
Haley nods and smiles when all he
really wants to do is get up and run. He hated this question. He hated that he'd been asked this before.
How the fuck was he supposed to know ?
“Well, how do you know your children are straight ? Maybe your sons only had those cute little crushes on girls you mentioned because they are modeling what they see ?,” Haley asks, feigning innocence. “Do your kids have a chance to see same sex couples so he knows what else is out there ?”
Brixton’s dad looks horrified at the prospect one of his sons might not be straight but laughs congenially.
“You got me there,” he says and then gestures to himself. “But I tell you I don’t know how you guys do it. I mean if you’re attracted to this, more power to you.”
He laughs along. It’s the thing he hates doing most but Lansing had warned him he’d have to do it when Grayson went to a private school like Merryhill.
He suffers through more conversation
until the PTA moms call volunteers to clean up. As he wipes and folds up the tables he watches
Grayson playing with a group of boys. He looked happy and like he was being included.
When they’re dismissed from clean up Grayson runs up to him holding a packet of zucchini seeds.
“Daddy, we got these! We get extra credit it we plant them in a backyard...do we have a backyard we can borrow ?,” Grayson exclaims holding up the seeds.
“Maybe,” Haley sighs, calculating which trash can he was going to throw the seeds into. “Did you like the potluck ?”
“No,” he says. “It was all veggies. It sucked—"
“We don’t say that,” Haley corrects sharply. “But yes, it sucked.”
***
Moments after pulling out of the school parking lot they're in a booth at In N' Out drinking milkshakes and sharing animal style fries
“So...Did I hear you asked a boy in your class to marry you ?,” Haley inquires.
“I didn’t—”
“We’ve talked about lying. I just—”
“I’m not lying, Daddy,” he whines. “Xander and Jett were giving all the boys in class a girlfriend. But Jett’s girlfriend is Misty in Ms. Firestein’s class and Lana likes Parker so Brixton and I got left without girlfriends. I told Brixton we could be boyfriend and girlfriend--”
“Did you say you think Brixton’s pretty—"
“Yes, I have to,” he says. “He said he wanted to play the girlfriend and I was playing the boyfriend and boyfriends have to think their girlfriend is pretty when you’re playing boyfriend and girlfriend--”
“Really ?”
“I mean that’s what Jett said,” he shrugs. “Daddy, if you get a girlfriend can…can…would she have a baby in her like Mrs. Lewis ? Because you can have a girlfriend if you want. But I just heard babies are gross and barf EVERYWHERE.”
“You think I want a girlfriend ?,” Haley asks, eyebrows raised.
“I don’t know,” he says. “It might
be okay if she’s nice and fun. Then I could have a mommy too...But you have to go on a date or like a dating website
to find her.”
“What if I don’t like girls ? What if I only like boys ?”
He giggles and then seems to think about it.
“Then you get to have a boyfriend and...you’d be his boyfriend.”
“I think I’d like a boyfriend. I know all the other kids have mommies but Aunt Isla loves all the pretty presents you send her on Mother's Day.”
“What would your boyfriend be like ?”
Haley thinks.
“Well, he would look like 1980s George Michael--”
“Who is that ?”
Haley pulls up a picture on his phone to show him.
“His hair is funny,” Grayson giggles at the photo. “Would you touch tongues like in the movies ?”
“Ew! I’m never doing that. Kissing is gross--”
“You kiss me--”
“That’s different, Daddy. And only at night. I’m only kissing you ever!”
“Good,” Haley laughs and then rests his chin on his fist. “Grayson…What did you think Luce was to us ?”
He shrugs.
“Was he your godbrother like Sky is
my godbrother ? But he…did he die from being sick ? Jett said when you die you go up to heaven with angels and Jesus takes you. Did he have
cancer ? Jett said his dad had cancer in his penis so they shaved his head but he didn't die.”
Haley bites his cheek to keep from laughing. He'd seen in a Facebook stalking session that Jett's Dad had to have a testicle removed but he was sure the man had no idea his son was blabbing it to the entire 1st grade class.
“Luce didn't have cancer,” Haley says. “ He had a stroke, which is like when your brain stops working. And he had depression. Which is when the chemistry in your brain makes you feel like nothing good will ever happen.”
“But I liked his mommy. Is she coming back ? I want another cookie.”
“A cookie ?”
“If I was good he told the nurse to buy me a cookie from the coffee shop. It was a secret! You didn’t know. We didn’t tell you!”
“What would you say if Luce ever move--”
“Can I play Angry Birds ?,” Grayson asks taking Haley’s unlocked phone off the table. “Please—"
“Ten minutes.”
***
Haley makes his next free Saturday morning a pool day.
Their pool of choice was the gorgeous L-shaped waterfall pool in the Washington Dory mansion.
Haley and Grayson arrive at the mansion at 11AM sharp with a bottle of wine and cake pops from leftover carrot cake batter.
The door opens before Haley can even knock. They are greeted by a flurry of squeals from Eloise and her sisters as they carry Grayson off for whatever they had planned for him. At 12, 11 and 8, the Washington sisters had started watching Grayson when Haley worked weekends in exchange for nail polish.
“Cake pops!” Charlotte says in mock horror when she rounds a corner in a silk robe and heeled house slippers. Her robe is open to reveal a high waisted two piece floral bathing suit. “Get those away from me, I’m starting Zumba this week.”
“The batter was leftovers from the Vegetable Patch Show—”
“Oh, I forgot they did that potluck thing. It sucks, right ? I’m surprised the class moms let you bring something sweet.”
“I was given a gentle reminder afterwards that it wasn’t in the spirit of the activity,” he admits glibly and she laughs.
“I’ve got waffles, eggs, sausage and mimosas in the kitchen.” Charlotte says, ever the hostess. “Rias is about to take Atsumi to cheerleading practice but when he gets back he insists on grilling some flank steaks even though ribeye would be more--”
“Charlotte, you didn’t have to do all this. Grayson just wanted to swim for a few hours--”
“This is fun for me! Plus we have to christen the new hot tub. You want me to get it started for you before the kids want to get in ?”
“Actually can I…”
She softens.
“Did you want to go up ?”
He nods.
“Is Sara up there too ?”
“She’s in Solvang with my Dad,” Charlotte says, clacking purposefully across the room. “I try not to ask too many questions when those two are up to something.”
She presses her manicured finger to a small button hidden in the wall.
“Angela,” Charlotte says into the intercom. “Luce has a visitor coming up.”
Haley smiles at her and ascends the staircase up to the third floor in-law suite where Luce had been living since he was let out of an inpatient psychiatric stay nine months ago.
Following the suicide attempt Child Protective Services had taken Grayson from Haley in what had been darkest two days of his life. His caseworker and Luce’s social worker went before a family court judge who ruled Grayson was safe in Haley’s care but they couldn’t share a residence with Luce until his depression was managed.
Before Haley could even begin to look at apartments Sara told him to stay in the condo and that Luce would go live with Rias. Sara hadn’t said she was moving too but within a week she was spending all her time at Rias’s house with Luce.
Haley had asked for the break over
the phone and tried to move on. Cutting off Luce made him feel awkward around
his small Grace adjacent social circle so he’d kept most of his focus on
Grayson.
Haley opens the door to the in-law suite and a middle aged woman in green scrubs with a long graying braid, quickly comes to block his entrance.
“Give us a minute dear, just getting Mr. Grace decent,” she says, before closing the door in his face.
The nurse probably had no idea who he was, he hadn't visited, but it still hurts him for some reason. A moment later she walks out, leaving the door open for him.
He steps into the suite to see Luce sitting on the couch that faced the balcony, a laptop open on the accessible table in front of him. He looked stronger and Haley suppresses his knee jerk reaction to get on his knees for this man.
-3-
He walks closer to the couch and he’s not sure what he expects when Luce looks up to see him but it’s not a subtle smile followed by a sound close to laughter. His smile is distorted from the facial paralysis but it was familiar and endearing. Luce's laughter sounded like music to him.
“What is so funny ?,” Haley asks as he steps in front of him, eliciting additional soft chuckles from Luce.
“What the fuck are you wearing ?,” Luce laughs.
“I’m just wearing it over my swimsuit,” Haley responds sharply. “You don’t have to be an asshole--”
“I’m--,” Luce says and then softer. “I like it. It’s…very you.”
Haley had bought the lavender leopard print Juicy Couture velour suit nearly a decade ago. He’d never worn it but it had followed him from move to move and he’d decided to put it on randomly as a swimsuit cover up.
“How have you been ?,” Haley asks, not sure of how much of the truth he deserved.
“Okay.”
“Grayson had his Vegetable Patch Show a few weeks ago--”
“Charlotte...showed me pictures of his costume on your…Facebook.”
He had learned most of the school moms communicated on Facebook so he’d made a family friendly account for himself to keep up. He kept his friends list to other parents, women he went to nursing school with, his sister and her friends.
Haley notes the slurred edges of Luce
speech. A part of him had hoped Luce would have made more progress since he had
24 hour private nursing care and all his therapies were being done in-home.
“Do you want to see a video ?,”
Haley asks.
Luce nods and Haley sits on the other end of the couch. He places his iPhone in Luce’s clenched hand after queuing up the video.
“You should be careful with what you put on this thing,” Luce warns, jerkily pulling his hand with the iPhone towards his face.. “They get hacked and the information could be going anywhere—”
“Yes, sir,” he responds without realizing what he’d said. It was something he’d say in bed but also as an endearment.
Luce watches the short video twice, a small smirk on his face each time one of the little girls has to push Grayson to alert him of his cue.
“Um, okay, do you see the red pepper ?,” Haley grins.
Luce nods.
“His Dad told me Grayson asked to be his boyfriend—”
“Uh oh—”
“Not uh oh. They were just playing, he totally overreacted, But Grayson and I talked about it and…Grayson didn’t even really understand I was gay—”
“Is that why you decided to wear that outfit ?”
“Fuck you,” Haley laughs, surprised by the joke. “Now you aren’t getting your gift.”
“Gift ?”
Haley reaches into his pool bag to pull out a pair of photo albums. He scoots closer to Luce on the couch and flips one open.
“I’ve been talking to this film student about Virtue and Harmony and sharing all my old photos with them and…I decided to finally organize them.”
Luce flips to a random page of older photos from the time Haley had been living with Minnow and they went through a roll of film a week for fun. He flips farther along to pictures of the them as a couple, making out in clubs and dancing at Jean’s Halloween party.
They’d had a life together.
Haley missed it.
“Can I hug you ?,” Haley asks. “Is that okay ?”
He nods and Haley scoots closer until their legs are touching, he leans over to wrap his arms around Luce’s chest and the moment they touch Luce’s body collapses into his arms and he begins to shake.
“Luce ?” he frowns, pulling back to make eye contact.
Tears stream down either side of Luce’s face.
“Shit. What the fuck is wrong with me ?,” he cries, his voice hitching. “…I-I-I’m not used to…being touched like this…I just--I--”
“Can you take this off ?,” Haley asks, tugging on Luce’s hoodie.
They work together to unzip and remove his hoodie and Haley unzips his own before going back into the embrace, this time slipping his hand under Luce’s t-shirt to caress his scarred back and rubbing his smooth cheek against his stubble.
“It’s okay,” Haley says softly into his ear.
He couldn’t imagine Luce sharing physical affection with his brother or Charlotte. The nurses and therapists were only supposed to touch him as necessary.
Haley imagines he would be content staying wrapped up in Luce all day too. He smelled freshly showered and like the expensive body wash that came with cologne. His skin was soft and he could feel the places his body was getting stronger.
His eyes wander down and he notices the clear outline of an erection through his sweatpants.
“Do you want me to ?,” Haley asks, sliding his hand into the waistband.
He nods.
“It just started happening…again—fucking embarrassing sometimes,” Luce explains as Haley slides to his knees, holding on to Luce’s hand to keep their connection..
He gently takes him out of his pants to see it’s only a semi-erection. Haley presses a few kisses to the tip before taking him in his mouth, enjoying the little tremor he pulls from Luce’s body. He backs off and teases him with his tongue, running it up his length and around his balls.
Haley tosses back his hair away from his face before swallowing him whole, messily fucking his mouth and using his throat muscles to massage him until Luce makes a soft, confused sound and Haley swallows everything he has to offer.
“Did I ?,” Luce asks when Haley sits back on the couch, rubbing Luce’s arm.
“You couldn’t feel it ?”
“I felt something but…it didn’t feel like a climax.”
Haley gets up and straddles his body with is knees, careful none of his weight is on Luce. He kisses him, their tongues sliding and re-acquainting.
“I miss you,” Haley admits, pulling back.
“I fucking hate this,” Luce frowns. “You left me. Why ?”
“I didn’t want to,” he admits. “But I had to… for Grayson. ”
“I’m sorry I made him do that…I was in a bad place. I still am. Everything is just so confusing--”
“ I know you’re sorry. I always knew that,” he says. “But you know how I grew up. No one gave a shit about me. I can’t be like that. I love you so much but I’m always going to choose my son’s safety first. I couldn’t be there for him if I was trying to be there for you.”
“I’m trying to be...in a better but it’s fucking hard. I just get angry... I miss the way my body used to be and I just...” Luce sighs. “I fucked up. You did the right thing, Alex. You’re a good Dad--”
“Not really, I let him watch Pretty Woman on TV with me last night—”
“It hurts.”
“What does ? Where ?”
“Everything.”